I Had Better Sex Alone

Sarah Jane, I'm telling you
It was a total waste of time
Sex with that man
Was fourteen hours of my life
I will never get back

Oh, well, sure
He had stamina
But I'm not a marathon, Sarah Jane
Not that I was going to stop him
I am polite after all

Oh, and all those tricks and techniques
Having sex with him
Was like watching a movie
Where all your friends tell you
That you're never going to figure out the twist ending
And then five minutes into the movie, you realize the hero's best friend
Is a figment of her imagination
And you also realize
That all your friends are stupid
And now you're stuck in a room for two hours
Wondering why you didn't stay home
And rent something On Demand

Truth be told, Sarah Jane
I had better sex alone
I really did

Oh, don't get all prude on me
You've had twins
Things have happened to your body
That would make Stephen King pass out

There I was, last night, with him
Hanging onto my rain gutters for dear life
When I thought to myself
I'm too old to be having
This kind of sex

Oh sure, when you're in college
All you want to do
Is have sex on as many different surfaces
And ponds and lakes
And in vehicles
And various department stores
And amusement park rides and...

Where was I going with this?

Oh right, I'm old
Well, I'm older

Honey, I got stuff to do

And I feel bad for making him work that hard
When the washing machine he had me on top of
Was giving me more of a thrill than he was

Next time, I'm just going to stay in
Put my phone on silent
And crack open a bottle of wine

You should try it, Sarah Jane
Send those twins out with your husband for a night
And take yourself to town

Oh, please
If we were men
There would be nothing uncomfortable
About this conversation

All men talk about is masturbating

My ex-boyfriend used to keep a notebook
With all his statistics them

How often he'd do it
How it felt
How one time compared to the other

He was like the Albert Einstein
Of hitching his honeypot

Oh, that man's calling me again

Poor thing

I'd give him one more try
But I already opened the bottle of wine
And Body Heat is on

He probably thinks I'm blowing him off
For another man

He doesn't realize just how stiff
His competition really is