While I Wait for You to Tell Me

I'll play with my fork
And my food
And my hair

I'll fill up journals
With ranting
And drink stale beer

I'll make you think
That I've taken up drugs
When all I've taken up
Is growing out my hair

I'll act like I don't give a shit
While I wait for you to tell me

We'll take our vacations
And photographs with the kids

Visit your mom
My dad
Disney World
And Ohio

Who knows why we went to Ohio?

I didn't ask
I didn't want to know
I don't want to know
I want to know
I want, I want, I want

Who knows what I want?

Sometimes I think
I'm having an affair
With my day planner

I love when it instructs me
I love obeying it
I love putting things down in ink

Marking time
And telling it not to move

Chores have become
Pornographic to me

Oil changes
Unclogged pipes
Dirty bathtubs

And the list of things we need
Grows and grows
And we supply without question

New furnaces
And braces
And roller skates
And roofing
And carpeting
And a puppy

We really needed the puppy
And now we have it

And so we're good
We're great
We're doing fine

I'll let us be one big happy family
While I wait for you to tell me

I'll break things subtly and slowly
Wondering if you'll notice

I'll let the air out of the tires
Just to give you extra stuff to do
On days when you think
You have time free
To sneak in things

Things you think I don't know about

What made you think
That free time is so common
That I wouldn't envy you it
And wonder where it was coming from
And why there seemed to be so much of it
And, of course, obviously, I mean, come the fuck on
What it is you're doing with it

I ask you questions
I know the answers to

I talk to myself now
I ask myself questions
So that I can relearn
What it is to ask something
Without knowing what the answer will be

I surprise myself more now
That other people do

I imagine myself as an ice sculpture
And a pick hammers away at me
Making me into something beautiful

Cold, but beautiful

This is the compromise
I have to make

That I may keep my looks
But I will never know compassion
Or trust
Again

I practice praying
Praying this isn't true
While I wait for you to tell me

I write you notes
That go in boxes
That go at the back of the hall closet
Where we keep the Christmas presents

I say 'I'm going away'
Over and over again
Because I like how it sounds

I tell the kids I'm fine
And my mother I'm fine
And you that I'm fine

And I wait for somebody
Anybody
To notice
That I'm not
That I'm not fine

I wait for you to save me
While I wait for you to tell me

I wait for you
To feel guilty
Or anxious
Or afraid

And when you finally tell me
And hear that I've known all along
You'll go back and say I was playing with you
That I was having a grand old time
Being a bitch
With a secret

And that'll make you mad, won't it?

Because you're the only one
Allowed to have secrets, right?

And you'll say 'Why didn't you tell me you knew?'

And I'll be surprised
For the first time in a long time
Honestly surprised

That you don't get it
That you don't get it at all

I wasn't waiting to tell you
I was waiting for you
To tell me