Welcome to the Holiday Village
I'm your guide
Tinsel the Elf
And this is my first day on the job
So please bear...
(Flips index card over)
...with me
If you look to your left
You can see Santa's Stable
Where he keeps his ho--
(Flips index card over)
--liday friends
Later on in the tour
We'll stop by the stable
For a visit with Rudolph
Does anyone know why Rudolph's nose is red?
Here's a hint
It's not cocaine
We don't do drugs here at the holiday village
Unless Christmas spirit is a drug
In which case
Line up a bump for me
Down Frosty's torso
Because I need a hit
Of that old Christmas cheer
Can I get an a--
(Flips index card over)
--men?
Uh oh, what's that noise I hear?
Could that be Santa revving up his sleigh
For his magical trip
Around the world
Where he will deliver presents
To boys and girls from Hel--
(Flips index card.)
--sinki to New York?
I think it just might be!
We'd better all rush to Santa's house
So we can get cookies and milk
From Mrs. Clause
Before she gets too old and dies
Because, as we all know
Though Christmas will always live on
In the hearts of children and people who work at Target
Everyone involved with it--Santa, Mrs. Clause, the elves
Will one day die and turn into a scattering of ash across the North Pole
Most likely in a surprise
Polar bear attack
This month alone we've had to replace three of the reindeer
We're on our third Blitzen in two years
It's kinda depressing when you think about it
But what it teaches us
Is to live in the moment
The moment when we're alive
Because, as I said
We won't be for long
(Flips index card.)
You know what's fun?
Making snow angels!
Let's do that while our cookies bake
In Mrs. Clause's oven
Just be on the look-out for those polar bears
They seem to be extra-aggressive this season
If you look in your complimentary swag bag
You'll find a machete
That you can use to defend yourselves with
Should the polar bears ambush us
Just consider that an early Christmas present
From all of us here at the North--
(Flips index card.)
--Pole
To all of you
Merry--
(Flips index card.)
--Cocaine.
Oh darn, I think I got these cards
Mixed up
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