"You know...if I'd have pop tarts back when I was alive, maybe I wouldn't have been filled with so much hatred."
"No, I think you really were a mean old man. But that's really just my opinion."
"What do you know of men? You're a whale."
"I'm a symbol."
"A what?"
"A symbol."
"An instrument?"
"No, not a cymbal. A symbol."
"Of what?"
"That unattainable...thing. That you can never truly conquer. So you throw your life away trying and pretty soon you end up old and smelly and pretty crazy too. I really don't think I can stress strongly enough how beneficial I think therapy would be for you. And a shower"
"I have no use for pagan practices such as those. I am a man with a passionate endeavor."
"Calm down, Emily Dickinson. You're just a whaler. It's not like you were in the crusades."
"But it IS a crusade! You crippled me, you heinous sea beast! What else could I do but chase after you?"
"Get married? Have kids? Do a little barbecuing? How should I know? Maybe you could go after an octopus or something. I mean, of all the creatures to have a gripe against you had to pick a sperm whale? Why didn't you just declare war on a schoolbus?"
"You mock me, godless lump?!"
"Are you calling me fat? Is that where this is going? Because I already dragged you into the murky abyss once, and so help me, I'll do it again."
"What kind of man would I be if I just let you swim away from me after ripping my life from my bare hands?"
"You walk with a limp. Get over it. Peter Dinklage has a harder time than you do, and he's got an Emmy. My goodness, you're dramatic. You remind me of my cousin Monstro. He thought he came down with stomach cancer and come to find out, he swallowed a puppet and a talking cricket. That's what happens when you eat off the shores of Amsterdam."
"You speak nonsense. You speak the words of the devil."
"You know you could have just left me alone. It's not like I was going to grow legs, walk up your stone walkway one day, and harpoon you as soon as you opened your front door...unlike SOME people."
"These treats you've given me taste suspect."
"It's because I only had the cinnamon kind. They're really not the same without artificial fruit flavoring. Plus we're eating them cold, which is acceptable but hardly ideal. Unfortunately, they don't have toasters in Purgatory."
"Is that where we be, Great Whale?"
"Yup. They said until we could settle our differences, we were going to be trapped here. Doomed forever to eat second-rate breakfast foods."
"How shall we escape? Is there a body of water nearby? Perhaps we can spear someone?"
"The only way we're getting out of here is if you forgive me for crippling you."
"Never."
"Well, then, we're stuck."
"Have you forgiven me?"
"For harpooning me? Yeah, why not. You weren't the first. And quite frankly, I've been harpooned by bigger hahaha oh my, oh my."
"I will not be able to move past my fury until I have dragged you to the nearest port and stripped your body of its meat and oils."
"You know, people tell me that Moby Dick is all about men and their you-know-whats, and up until now, I've always said, 'No, it's just about a smelly old man and a gorgeous whale' but after hearing you talk about stripping me and taking my oils and my meat I'm thinking maybe they were onto some thing."
"I shall have no more of this foolish conversation."
"Suit yourself. You gonna finish that pop tart?"
"No! Have it!"
"You know, throwing away a perfectly good pop tart is a lot like chasing down a sperm whale to the bottom of the ocean. At the end of the day, you're only really hurting yourself."
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