That Girl from the Horror Movie

First of all, I'm not answering the phone

I'm by myself
My parents aren't going to be home for hours
I just ordered a pizza
And Friday the 13th is on t.v.

So no, not answering the phone
Not interested in answering the phone
Not even a little bit

Second of all, I don't plan on arming myself with a kitchen knife
If somebody tries bursting through the front door

My daddy keeps actual firearms in the house
Because he's from Georgia
And I know how to use all of them

I can shoot the milk
Off a cow's udders
If I have to

You know how many killers in horror movies just shoot people?
Not many of them

Most of them like stabbing
Because it's gorier

So let's see--a butcher knife versus a sawed-off shotgun

You do the math

I've also barricaded myself underneath the bathroom sink
Where I doubt many killers would look for me

I remember being a little girl
And thinking--

I bet I can fit underneath the bathroom sink
If I move all the q-tips and stuff
And what do you know?
I was right

And I can still fit under there
And can you think of a better hiding spot?

Can you imagine a masked murderer thinking
Maybe she's hiding next to the cotton balls?

No, of course not

But if he does find me
The shotgun fits down there with me too

I do not plan on going down into the basement
I do not plan on going up into the attic
I do not plan on going outside
At all
For any reason

The landlines are dead
There's a storm outside
And--shocker
I'm not getting service on my cell

Not a problem

As long as you're not an idiot
Who panics at the drop of a hat
And tries to arm herself
With a spoon
Or a ladle
Or something

You just have to be smart about the whole thing

Oh, I know if this were a typical horror movie
I'd search the whole house
Looking for the guy waiting to kill me
Only to scream when I find him
And run away
Tripping in the process
As he bears down on me

Screw that

If I hear one bump
Bang
Or boom
I'm going right under that bathroom sink
With my shotgun
And I'm not coming out
Until my parents get home

But the first thing I'm not doing?
Is answering that phone

Because that's how it all starts
Me getting into a witty conversation
With the guy who's planning on spilling my guts
All over the kitchen floor

Well, I'm changing the beginning of the movie, folks
Change the beginning
And you change the ending

See how that works?

Plus, I'm not a total moron
That helps

Believe me
That helps a lot