Rory

Of course

We’re talking about a boy

Named Rory here

I would get dumped

For a Rory

That would make

All the sense in the world

When a parent names their child ‘Rory’

And it’s a boy

They’re pretty much setting the kid down

On this track

To become this, you know

Gay homewrecker

And he’s a Communications major, of course

And he’s cute in that douchebag sort of way, of course

And he has, like, ten million hags all over his Facebook page

His Facebook page

Is literally

Riddled with hags

I mean, riddled

With them

Hags

Fat girls named Shawna

Who are like—‘When are we going on the BOAT again, Roooorrryyy?’

And you just want to fucking slap them

Even moreso than him

Fucking fat hag boat-loving Shawna

I’m losing him

To this man

Boy, whatever

This Rory

I’m losing my boyfriend

To Rory

And it’s inevitable

I’m watching it happen

I saw it coming

How awful is that?

When you see it coming?

People make getting blind-sided

Sound all bad and shit

But truth be told

At least that’s one big moment of ‘What the fuck?’

As opposed

To two whole months of it

When Rory’s insinuating himself

Into your life

You see the red polo

And the picture of him at some wedding

That cost more than your parent’s house

Indicating ‘I have friends with money.  I have monied friends.’

‘Get with me, kid.  I got a future ahead of me

Not like that bum you’re stuck with now.’

He goes on trips to places

That aren’t tourist-y

And plans to move to New York

Just because it’s New York

And has perfect teeth

And ex-boyfriends who still love him

And Nelson Mandela

Follows him on Twitter

And you’re fucked, you know?

And you know it

You know you’re fucked

And you know, even before the Facebook stalking

And the omens

And the foreshadowing

You think to yourself—

I knew it when I heard his name

I knew it the minute someone said—‘Rory’

‘Oh, I met this guy today, babe.

He seems cool.

We’re going to work on this new project.

His name

Is Rory.’

But what do you do, right?

Ask if he heard it?

Ask if the love of your life

Heard that shoe drop?

The pendulum swing?

The glass break?

Are you supposed to say—

‘Stay away from that guy!

As a matter of fact

Stay away from all guys named Rory!’

No

You just keep washing dishes

You just keep getting dressed for bed

You just keep looking back at the train bearing down on you

The train named Rory

And you say—

‘Oh yeah?

That’s cool

He sounds

Nice’