Ichabod's Police Report

I know, I know!

It was a miracle I got away!

Luckily, as a boy
My father would often throw flaming pumpkins at my head
And I'd have to duck
And when it would miss me
And hit my brother Milimar
We'd all laugh
And then fetch aloe
For his burns

Who knew one day my childhood game
Would come back
To help me
In a moment
Most dire?

Anyway, I would like this man caught
Immediately

I was able to get a good look at him
And I believe that with my description
And enough manpower
You should be able to catch him
In no time flat

Well, let's see

He was riding a black horse
He had a cape
And gloves
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd...no head

There, that about does it

Well, I have no idea how he manages
With no head
I'm not his mother
I'm a victim
Or a near-victim

The point is, he's a terrorist
A godless, soulless, headless
Pumpkin-throwing terrorist
And he's still on the loose!

No, he didn't look anything like my father
My father has been dead for--

Was that some sort of joke?

Some of your ribald New England humor?

Well, I have a joke as well
And it goes like this--

What do you call someone who almost died
When a headless specter
Chased him through the woods?

Ichabod Sally Crane
That's what you--

It's a family name

Well, when a family is void of girls
And the family name is Sally
Somebody has to have it

 What do you mean I'm odd?

This town is odd!

You have dead soldiers
Chasing down harmless schoolmarms like me
And I'm odd?!?!?

Well, unfortunately there is no masculine version of 'schoolmarm'
That's not my fault!

Forget it

I see the only solution here
Is for me to move to another hamlet
Where an exemplary educator
With impeccable taste
Who loves good food
And brawny, swarthy women
With deep voices
Can find some semblance of happiness

I bid you all farewell

Give my regards to Katrina Van Tassel
She'll be devastated, I'm sure
As I can assure you
I was the best lover
She's ever known

At times, though
I did feel she was a bit overwhelmed
By my overpowering masculinity

I'll be gone from Sleepy Hollow
Just as soon as I pack up
My Russian doll collection

Perhaps I'll come back someday
Preferably when pumpkins
Are out of season