Things You Shouldn't Do In Front of Me

Mainly, you never want to pee in front of me

I would say, that’s a crucial…thing

Not a deal-breaker, per se

But definitely crucial

I really can’t ever see you pee

Or, this is the risk

The, I meant not-large, but not-small risk

That I will immediately

Jettison the love I have for you

Out of my body

For-, you know, -ever

There are just things

One person

Should never do

In front of another person

If they’re expected

To live with that other person

For, you know, possibly

The rest of their lives like—

Peeing

Burping

Teeth brushing

I mean, you should absolutely brush your teeth

Just not in front of me

I basically don’t want to know

That you have a functioning

Human body

Or there’s a chance

I’ll never want

To have sex with you again

I know this seems weird

And kind of

Shallow

Or something

Maybe

But you know, we all have our--

Quirks

You, for instance, only like your eggs scrambled

And I, for example, want to punch you in the face

Whenever you sneeze

So you see

It’s a little of this

A little of that

You know, it’s really about romance

As soon as the romance dies

I mean, really

What do you have?

Honestly

Chaos, basically

Chaos and sneezing

And peeing

And sex is just—

Oh God, I hate that word

Try not to say that word in front of me

And if I start to say it

Stop me

Because even hearing me say it

Just really freaks me out

All of a sudden

There’s this pressure to be—

You know, it’s like—

SEX

Ah!

Haha

No, but really

Try to stop me next time

And don’t eat ribs in front of me

Or pickles

Oysters

Anything in a shell

And I think we’ll be fine

Really

I think we’ll have a nice, long

Fulfilling

Life