A Junkie

I mean, I’m not going to win

Any awards for this

Not this year

This year, that girl

Who played the nurse

In the wheelchair

Is going to win

And I saw the movie

And she’s great

So I’m fine with it

I’m fine with it

To be upfront with you
To be honest
To get really real with you about it?

I was just really excited

To play a junkie

I mean, I’ve never played one before

And, you know, it’s a rite of passage

For an actress

I think

To

You know

Do that

So I was pretty--

Yeah, I was pretty excited

And I studied a little bit

I watched some movies

I went to this clinic

And kind of hung out

Until somebody asked me to leave

And that was fine

I had a feeling

That would happen
So it was fine

The junkies there

Were really nice

And I got some good stuff to, uh

You know

Work with

Things I could bring to the table

I felt like--

I don’t know if I should be saying this

But this is, you know

I want to be truthful

About this, so--

Regarding how this process went

So I’ll just say it

I didn’t think we took the performance

Far enough

In terms of like--

You don’t have a single scene

Where I’m slapping my son
Where I'm stealing anything to pay for my drugs

Where I’m getting violent with anybody
Like, not at all
No violence
Which I thought--

I was just disappointed about that

The physicality wasn't--

I was ready to go there
To really explore it
And the director just didn't--

You know, they wouldn't let me wear fake teeth
Like, really bad teeth
Or let my hair go all scraggly

I barely scratch myself

And I tried--

I really tried to insert all that--

That whole itchiness thing

That junkies have

In all the movies

And the director told me to stop

And I, okay so--

I respect this director

But I didn’t respect

That particular

Decision

I also didn’t like

That I wasn’t allowed to show the character

Prostituting herself, you know?

Because I thought that was real

I thought that was sort of--

The reality of what

The situation would be

And I think--

You know, it’s a crapshoot

Awards and whatever

But I think if we had showed that

And showed me getting violent
And showed me really deteriorating

You would have seen my performance

Getting a lot more, uh, accolades or whatever

And that would have been better for the movie overall

So I’m a little, you know, not bitter, but something about it

I’m something about it

There were no ratty wardrobe choices

There were no shots of me actually, you know

Shooting up

Doing the drugs

I mean, they left that all off-screen
And they implied it
Don't get me wrong
They obviously implied it

But film is so visual

It’s a visual medium

So to not show something is like--

It’s like it’s not even there, you know?

I mean, there might have been people

Who didn’t even realize

That I was playing a junkie

And those people would be dumb
But movies are for everybody, right? Even dumb people

Maybe they thought my character
Was just out of her mind or something

And that would be okay

Because, you know, playing someone

Mentally ill

Can get you attention as well

But when you’re not specific

About what you’re doing

I just think you’re hurting

The thing--the film--itself

You know?

But it was great

It was a great project

And I’m glad I did it

I just think

If we’re talking about

What I brought to it

What I contributed--

To the conversation

About junkies

About, you know

Being a junkie

I think--

I just don’t think

I added anything to that

To that overall

Uh

Conversation

I just think

It was pretty much

What you’d expect

And that’s--

I mean, that’s not going to get you

Anywhere