What We Buy at Self-Checkout

We buy condoms

At self-checkout

We buy condoms

And fireworks

And chewing gum

And handguns

And pictures of our enemies

In compromising sexual positions

We buy our 8th grade diaries

And handheld cameras

And a bag full of nickels

We can use to hit our uncle

Right Over the head

When he’s sitting on the couch

Watching ER reruns

We buy a radio that doesn’t work

So we can harvest the parts

To make something that’ll combust

Inside a mailbox

We buy an axe

For chopping wood

And an axe

For chopping--

...Other things

We buy a wooden duck

And a piggy bank

And one of those robot dogs

That barks every three seconds

So our kid will have something to play with

While she waits in the car

We buy red paint

And blue paint

And wood chips

And plastic bags

And tarp

And rope

And handcuffs

And crazy glue

We buy dirty magazines

With men in them

And dirty magazines
With women in them

We buy a hoodie

And a hand grenade

And a bag of cocaine

And a bag of something

That might be cocaine

But might just be something harmless

Because it was on sale

We buy bruised apples

And better apples

And a diamond from Africa

The kind they’re not supposed to sell

Anymore

We buy a frozen breakfast sandwich

And a keychain that says ‘Fuck off’

When you press a button

A pack of playing cards

Some chewing gum--

Did we say chewing gum already?

Well, we bought some more

We buy a thermos for coffee

And one for wine

We buy Chex Mix

And Cheetos

Chips

Dip

Donuts (Powdered)

Dynamite

And this dinosaur t-shirt

That glows in the dark

We buy two cans of tuna

A box of raisins

A coffeepot

A potato peeler

An inspirational coffee table book

And burgundy socks

Oh, and a birthday card

We didn’t forget

The birthday card

We slid everything

Across the scanner

And watched as the numbers went up

And the coupons activated

And we nodded at the manager

Who stands guard

To make sure

Nothing finds its way

Into a pocket

Or a purse

When we’re done

We have the boy at the service desk

Help us bring everything

Out to the car

And we hand our kid

The robot dog

What we buy at self-checkout

Fills up the backseat

And the trunk

And we head home

Feeling a little lighter in the wallet

And a little heavier in our hearts

Not because of what we bought

But how we bought it

Not because we didn’t get what we wanted

But because we did

Not because we checked it out ourselves

But because we wanted somebody to see

What we were buying

And ask us

Why