I Should Have Slept Around

I should have slept around

I loved your father

But let’s be honest

He wasn’t going anywhere

I could have had my cake

And eaten it too

I never should have listened

To your grandmother

She was so worried

About me getting married

Because your Aunt Agatha

Became an old maid

I should have said—

‘Don’t worry, Mother, I don’t have Agatha’s chin’

But I didn’t

I got married

And I was nineteen

Nineteen

I’m seventy-four now

And the thought of nineteen

And what I could have done with it is—

It’s enough to send me

Off my deathbed

And out into the world

Looking for men to ride

Don’t look so shocked

You’re in the presence of death

And sex is shocking you?

Sex compared to death

Is nothing

If you knew

What my body was doing to me right now

You wouldn’t blush one bit

At the thought of anybody doing anything

To anyone

Consensually, of course

When your father and I first got married

There was a man who fixed the pipes

A plumber, I suppose

But he always worse a suit and tie

And his name was Oliver

And that seemed like such a strange name

For a plumber

He’d come by

And I’d fantasize about him

And then he’d leave

And I’d wait four days

Before clogging up the kitchen sink

Or flushing a brick down the toilet

Just so he’d come by again

One time he made eyes at me

And I acted flattered-but-not-interested

When really I was very interested

And your father was away for six days

At one of his philanthropic conventions

Something about orphans and lupus

I would never have stepped out on your father

Stepped on him, maybe

But only per his request

And only on our anniversary

Again, the blushing

I don’t know how you think you were conceived

Magic?

The Lord?

The night I became pregnant with you

I practically did a tap dancing routine

On your father

And he was so worked up he—

Lord, who wants to think about it?
I certainly don’t

I hope I’m dead soon

The waiting is going to kill me

But the plumber—Oliver

He made a gesture

And then a move

And I responded in a way

That let him know

I was not interested

And I’ve regretted it ever since

I’m going to tell you something

And I want you to listen

Do everything you want to do in this life

Because when you’re about to die

The things you didn’t do

Are going to make you hate

The people who stopped you from doing them

Even if they’re people you love

I don’t care if you want to murder somebody

Go ahead and do it

It’s none of my business

As long as it’s not me

You haven’t been putting anything

In that IV bag, have you?

Well then, you can keep the fortune

When I die

Just don’t let your father

Marry anyone else

All I ever had was him

So why should he get somebody

Other than me?

Besides, he’s an old man now

With his luck

He’ll pick the wrong woman

With heavy feet

And he’ll wind up

Snapped in half

Like a candy bar

Then again, maybe he’d like that

You never know, you know

You never know

What anybody really wants

Because it takes so long

For them to figure it out themselves

And that’s life, darling

That’s the tragedy of life