The Hypnotist's First Date

The hypnotist orders the salmon

And so does her date

She tells him he’d probably prefer the duck

But he swears he wants the salmon

Even though a minute ago

He was saying he didn’t like fish

This happens

It happens all the time

She tells him she hates her boss

And he offers to kill him

‘It’s a her,’ the hypnotist says

‘Her,’ he says, ‘I’ll kill her’

She tells him to go to sleep

And he goes to sleep

Right there at the table

Right in his Caesar salad

The poor schmuck

When he wakes up

She asks him

If he’d like to go for a walk

After dinner

To help him wake up

He says he loves walks

He’s dying to walk

He could walk forever

She says maybe they should stay put

And now all of a sudden
He wouldn’t dream of moving

From his chair

Wouldn’t hear of it

What a stupid idea that was

My idea, he says, My idea to go for a walk

What a dumb notion that was
Gosh, I'm a moron

This is her first date

This is every first date

This is about what she expects

She’s still very new

To hypnotism
And so her sense of control

Is…

...Not great

She’ll suggest something

--A movie

And the guy can’t wait to see it

Even if he’s seen it

A hundred times
He wants to go again
With her
Because she suggested it

She’ll ask if he likes rock climbing

And all they can think about

Is scaling the nearest cliff

She could tell them to jump off the cliff

And they’d probably be happy to

They’d probably jump

With a smile on their face

And a song in their heart

Do you like jazz?

I love jazz

Do you like jazz?

I’m obsessed with jazz

Do you like jazz?

I invented jazz

Sometimes she has a little fun with them

She has to have a little fun

Or she’ll go mad

She keeps working at controlling her abilities

But no matter what

She always seems to overpower

Even the strongest of personalities

When she told one prospective boyfriend

That she was a hypnotist

He told her that he was, quote—

‘Immune to parlor tricks’

She paid her portion of the check and left

But not before making him think

He was a talking sofa cushion

Her last first date was with a lovely woman

Who took her to a lovely place on the water

They ate lobster

And toasted with club soda

Because it turned out
Neither of them felt like drinking

This woman seemed like fun

And so the hypnotist was worried

About what would happen

Once her abilities kicked in

Little did she know

That the woman sitting across from her

Was also a skilled suggestion expert

And soon their conversation

Went something like this—

I love strawberry desserts

I love strawberry desserts too

I love strawberry desserts too

Me too

Me too

You’re beautiful

So are you

And nobody could really tell

Who was affecting to

Although, between you and me,

A lot of good relationships are like that

One person likes the other so much

That a little part of them changes

Into the person

Sitting across from them

Provided both feel the same way

A little goes one way

And a little goes another way

And it isn’t the most individualistic way of living

But it’s not half bad either

Love isn’t perfect

And neither is falling in love

So this was as good a first date

As any this hypnotist
Or any other hypnotist

Could hope to have

But, of course, if you can think

Of a better way to eat lobster

And toast club soda
On the water
While someone tells you
You're beautiful

We’d love to hear

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