The Villain's Thanksgiving

Okay, everybody gather round

Grandpa, if you could stop torturing that double agent
Until after dinner
I would really appreciate it

This is a day of appreciation
And I think we should all go around the table
And say what we're thankful for this year

I'll start...

...Just as soon as Brother Villain
Stops giggling
Over my outfit

Apparently some of us
Are trusting enough
To BELIEVE our brother
When he tells us
That this year
We're all supposed to dress up
Like Thanksgiving food
To make the event more festive

I should remind him
That if he thinks
I won't behead a family member
While wearing a yam costume
Then he's sorely mistaken

Now, onto the gratitude

I would like to give thanks
For my new swivel chair
Which offers both clockwise
And counterclockwise swiveling

I would also like to give thanks
For my new death gun
Which, although it still fails to actually cause death,
Does manage to render someone unconscious
Long enough for you to kick 'em a few times
Before they wake up and engage you in karate
With which you are totally unfamiliar
Because your mother made you take piano lessons
Instead of SOMETHING USEFUL!

But of course
We don't want to speak ill of the dead
Especially those we strangled
With our own hands
When they refused to die of old age
Like normal people

. . . . .

Annnnnnyway

I'd like to give thanks to little Beth Ann
My adorable niece
Who showed me how to twitter

I hit my 800th post today

'Thanksgiving with the fam fam. Then assassinating a PM in the AM! Yay XOXO!'

I'd like to give thanks that my book of poetry--

'Blood-Thirsty Warmonger: Poems About Self"

--Is finally being published
After a rather testy meeting at Knopf
Which ended with bloodshed
And understanding

Finally, I'd like to give thanks
For all of you
For sticking by me
Even after I tried to kill you
Over and over and over
And over and over
And over again

May I have more success next year
So that I don't have to make as much stuffing
As I did this year

Now, let's eat!