Leaving Rhode Island: Any Questions?

I watch the Miss Exile pageant on tv

It’s pretty entertaining

Aside from how debilitatingly depressing it is

The girls line up

They talk about being exiles

Sometimes they tap dance

It’s awful, they air it on TBS

Like, right after a rerun of Big Bang Theory

I cry every time they do it

But I’m going to miss it

Now that we’re all going back, you know?

There aren’t a lot of things about being an exile that I love

Being called a ‘goner’ for one thing

That’s what the conspiracy theorists call us

Goners—sensitive, huh?

Remember on 9/11 when those people in Providence

Made a train stop

Because there was a Muslim guy on it

And they thought he was going to blow them up?

I always think of that

When I think about going back

You know, Rhode Islanders

They like to think they’re so much better

Than everybody else

They hate their state

But they love themselves

They’re not hicks like the Southerners

Or brain-dead Conservatives like the Texans

And the Midwesterners

They’re smarter than the Californians

Not weird like the Floridians

And they’re not as cranky as the Bostonians

And yet, somehow

Not the greatest place to live, is it?

So how does that work?

Anybody know the answer?

Hey, guy in the back?

Bring up the house lights

No, seriously

I’m being serious

Bring up the fucking house lights

I’m not playing around

Bring ‘em up

…………………….

I don’t miss it

I got the shit beat out of me one night walking back to a car that had already been broken into the night before and a bunch of guys—from liberal, blue, Rhode Island—people descended from Roger Williams who believed in tolerance and love, beat the shit out of me as they were calling me a faggot

That’s Rhode Island

Eight months before I got exiled, I still couldn’t find a job

That’s Rhode Island

Sixteen girls standing in a line competing for a title that means nothing just so they can be on television for an hour

That’s Rhode Island

You asked me if I wanted to come back?

I’d rather be an exile

Until I die

Okay?

That’s my answer

Now—

Anything else you want to know?