Leaving Rhode Island: Television

            (LUCY and WENDY having lunch.)

LUCY:  You’re so lucky to have been on The Bachelor.

WENDY:  Yeah, but it was hard, because I had to turn down Survivor.

LUCY:  Oh my God, but nobody watches Survivor anymore.

WENDY:  I know, but—Well, old people do.

LUCY:  Yeah, old people, but—

WENDY:  But it’s just hard because, it’s like, if you turn down Survivor, you’re turning down Survivor forever, whereas I feel like The Bachelor is, like—they don’t really care if you turn them down the first time.  They’ll let you come back.

LUCY:  Yeah, but you had no way of knowing that for sure.

WENDY:  I’ve talked to some people, so…

            (A beat.)

LUCY:  I heard about Big Brother.

WENDY:  Yeah?

LUCY:  No dice.

WENDY:  Seriously?  That sucks.

LUCY:  It’s cool.  I was in the finals, which means—

WENDY:  Oh, so you’ll be on it next year.

LUCY:  Yeah, probably, right?

WENDY:  I mean, if you make it to the finals of anything, it’s like—just a question of when you’re going to be put on, not if.

LUCY:  So that’s, like, legit?  Because I’ve heard that, but—

WENDY:  It’s absolutely true.  Like, they don’t just drain the talent pool every year.  They go back to the people they were on the fence with the year before, as long as you haven’t, like, murdered anybody or anything, and even then—

LUCY:  Great, because—this is going to sound so stupid, but—I haven’t been in the Projo since—

WENDY:  I know, it’s been a year for me.

LUCY:  Like, a whole year.  Nothing.  It’s—like, it’s really freaking me out.

WENDY:  Especially now that you’re back, right?  I mean, I know how easy it is to get press when you’re an Exile.

LUCY:  Oh my God, I pick up the phone, and it’s like ‘Hey, sure, whatever you want.  Front page?  No problem!’  But now that the whole exile is over—

WENDY:  It’s a nightmare.  I can’t believe they did this to us.

LUCY:  Remember when we first got exiled and I went on Real World?

WENDY:  And I did—Ugh, what was the name of it?  It was on Fox.

LUCY:  Girlz vs. Gayz.

WENDY:  Right!  Spelled with ‘z’s.

LUCY:  Yeah.

WENDY:  I wish that show had lasted.  It was so much fun.  The gays were, like, all my best friends.

LUCY:  It was a fun show to watch.

WENDY:  You watched it?

LUCY:  Um, I’d like half-watch it.

WENDY:  Right.

LUCY:  Like, while I was washing my hair and stuff.

WENDY:  It was a really great show to half-watch.

LUCY:  I mean, I think shows you can half-watch are way better than shows you have to actually pay attention to.  Like, Breaking Bad?  Who has time for that?

WENDY:  Right?  I go to the bathroom during a scene, and like, come back, and suddenly he’s a meth dealer.  Like, when did that happen?

LUCY:  And you can rewind on the DVR, but—

WENDY:  No, sorry.  Once you lose me, you lose me, and I’m going right back to Teen Mom.

LUCY:  I wish they had Teen Mom five years ago.  I mean, I think they did, but, like, it wasn’t what it is now.  If they had had it when I was a teenager, I would have totally gotten pregnant.

WENDY:  You’re kidding, right?

            (A beat.)

LUCY:  Yeah!

            (They both laugh.  LUCY half-laughs.)

WENDY:  I’m just so pissed I got eliminated off The Bachelor so early.  I mean, not because the guy was cute, because he really wasn’t—

LUCY:  He absolutely wasn’t.

WENDY:  But, like, now there aren’t going to be any other shows I can do until the Spring!

LUCY:  Seriously?

WENDY:  Unless I want to do The Amazing Race with my Mom.

LUCY:  Oh my God, you should—your Mom is so funny.

WENDY:  Yeah, but she’s such a famewhore.  Like, she only wants to do it because she hates how much attention I get every time I do one of these shows.

LUCY:  My brother is the same way.  I caught him submitting an application to Naked and Afraid.

WENDY:  Your brother?  Please, he wouldn’t last five seconds.

LUCY:  He’s desperate.  He’s so desperate.

WENDY:  As soon as you’re a celebrity, everybody else around you just has to be one too.

LUCY:  Like, why can’t being famous just be my thing, you know?  Why does it have to be everybody’s thing?

WENDY:  Because people are jealous.

LUCY:  People are so jealous.

            (A beat.)

WENDY:  You and I could Amazing Race.

LUCY:  You think?

WENDY:  Yeah—we’d just have to pretend we hate each other or something.

LUCY:  Oh.

WENDY:  We can’t say we’re friends, because, they have Best Friend pairs lined up for years.  You have to find a unique angle.

LUCY:  Right.  Well, I don’t know if I could pretend to hate you—

WENDY:  Or we could be lesbians?

LUCY:  You know what?  I’ll just hate you.

WENDY:  I’ll call my agent.  He has Amazing Race on, like, speed dial.

LUCY:  Should I call the Projo now?

WENDY:  I mean, yeah—call them now.  If we’re on The Amazing Race—like, the two of us?—that’s, like, easily a series of articles, not just one.

LUCY:  Oh, absolutely.

WENDY:  Like, if they’re just going to give us one?

LUCY:  Forget it.

WENDY:  They’d have to be crazy.

LUCY:  Totally insane.

WENDY:  I think this sounds awesome?

LUCY:  I do too!  Like—we could be really good television.

WENDY:  Lucy, are you kidding?

            (A beat.)

We are television.

            (They smile.  Lights.)