Leaving Rhode Island: Sugar

                (JOANNE and LESLIE at the bakery.)

JOANNE:  I’m gone five years and you drive my bakery into the ground.

LESLIE:  Ma—

JOANNE:  You and your brothers.

LESLIE:  Nobody drove—

JOANNE:  I bet you haven’t even been using the right kind of sugar.

LESLIE:  There are different kinds of sugar?

JOANNE:  Oh my God, just kill me.

LESLIE:  Ma—

JOANNE:  Just let me die, it’ll be easier that way.

LESLIE:  It’s not like the place is boarded up!

JOANNE:  It might as well be!  You see any customers here?

LESLIE:  All the businesses in the area are taking a hit.

JOANNE:  We weren’t a business.  We were an institution!

LESLIE:  If you had let us turn this into a cupcakerie—

JOANNE:  Listen, I don’t have any problem with the gays—

LESLIE:  Here we go.

JOANNE:  --But this cupcake nonsense was started by them and I’m not feeding into it.

LESLIE:  Cupcakeries are trendy.  Bakeries are not.

JOANNE:  You don’t need to be trendy as long as you’re delicious.

LESLIE:  Look, I’ll agree with you about one thing.  The boys have not done a good job with this place.

JOANNE:  And you have?

LESLIE:  Me?  I haven’t done anything.  They haven’t let me anywhere near the place.

JOANNE:  So at least they did one thing right.

LESLIE:  Oh that’s real nice to say to your daughter.

JOANNE:  Leslie, I love you more than my own life, but everything you touch turns to death.

LESLIE:  You know I keep wondering where this deep-seated insecurity I have comes from—

JOANNE:  You can’t run a business.

LESLIE:  Neither can the boys.

JOANNE:  The boys at least know which sugar to use.

LESLIE:  Oh please!  Johnny doesn’t know his mouth from his asshole—

JOANNE:  Leslie!

LESLIE:  --And Mikey hasn’t set foot in this place in months.

JOANNE:  Where’s he been?

LESLIE:  With a girl.

JOANNE:  What girl?

LESLIE:  Lisa Mazzetta.

JOANNE:  Connie Mazzetta’s kid?

LESLIE:  He’s even going to Hawaii with her to visit her grandmother.

JOANNE:  Your brother’s been running around with sluts, and you’ve just been sitting here twiddling your thumbs?

LESLIE:  Trust me, Ma, Lisa’s the one doing the twiddling.

JOANNE:  This is a disaster.  If I were a quitter, I’d quit.

LESLIE:  Well, that’s sort of…

JOANNE:  But I’m no quitter!

LESLIE:  So let me help.

JOANNE:  I don’t need your help.  Mama’s back now.  I can fix this.  I’ll have this place back in shape in a month.  Maybe less.

LESLIE:  You’re not listening to me, Ma.  The neighborhood’s changed.

JOANNE:  It hasn’t changed that much.  Stone’s Diner is still open.

LESLIE:  Yeah, well, nobody’s ever in there.

JOANNE:  You don’t need customers to keep a business going.

LESLIE:  Actually, that’s all you need.

JOANNE:  You also need love.  That’s the problem.  You kids have been out of love for the last five years.  That’s why it’s a good thing they let me come back.

LESLIE:  Ma, do we want to do this?

                (A beat.)

JOANNE:  What?  Do we want to do what?

LESLIE:  I looked at the books.

JOANNE:  What books?

LESLIE:  The books for the bakery.

JOANNE:  So you—

LESLIE:  The old books.

                (A moment.)

JOANNE:  Still a snoop, huh?  Always were.

LESLIE:  Ma—

JOANNE:  You always were—

LESLIE:  This place has barely ever made money.  I don’t know how you managed to keep it open—

JOANNE:  Watch yourself, Leslie.

LESLIE:  --Was it Daddy?

JOANNE:  Your father knew how much this place meant to me.  This was in my family for four generations.

LESLIE:  Really?

JOANNE:  Yes.

LESLIE:  Grandpa owned it then he gave it to you, that’s not four generations.

JOANNE:  We’ve owned it for forty years!

LESLIE:  Those are decades not generations!

JOANNE:  You’re a hateful child!

                (She starts to cry.)

LESLIE:  Oh God, Ma.

JOANNE:  I thought I had something to come back to.

LESLIE:  You do.  Your family.  Your kids and your…

                (A beat.)

JOANNE:  And my what?

LESLIE:  Nothing.

JOANNE:  Oh my God, are you pregnant?

LESLIE:  No.

JOANNE:  Thank God.

LESLIE:  Lisa Mazzetta is.

JOANNE:  OH MY GOD.

LESLIE:  You’re going to be a grandmother.

JOANNE:  Kill me now!  Just kill me now!

LESLIE:  Don’t tell Mikey I told you.

JOANNE:  I won’t.

LESLIE:  Don’t tell Johnny either.

JOANNE:  Why can’t I tell Johnny?

LESLIE:  Because the baby might not be Mikey’s.

JOANNE:  FIND ME A BUS I CAN THROW MYSELF IN FRONT OF!

LESLIE:  You’re right, Ma, we do need you, but not to run this place, we need you to be a mom.  I can take over.  I can get this place back in business, and better than it was before, but not if you’re trying to make it something it never was in the first place.

JOANNE:  You really think you can do this?

LESLIE:  I think I’m the best shot this place has.

                (A beat.)

JOANNE:  Okay.

LESLIE:  Okay?

JOANNE:  I said ‘Okay’ so okay.

LESLIE:  I love you.

JOANNE:  That’s nice, but you still need to use the right sugar.

LESLIE:  What I don’t know, I’ll learn.

JOANNE:  I know.  You were always my smart girl.

                (A beat.)

You sure you’re not pregnant?

LESLIE:  Ma!

JOANNE:  Just asking.  You know I love you unconditionally.

LESLIE:  Yes.

JOANNE:  But if you get pregnant before you’re married I’ll disown you.

                (She exits.)

LESLIE:  Some things never change.