Mary Won't Use the Phone

I’m sorry, Mae

But you can’t teach an old dog

New tricks

And this twenty-eight years old dog
Is no exception

I’ve learned everything
I’m going to learn in my life

Except for how to put in false teeth

And how to die beatifically

And I’ll tell you something else--

I am not going to be made

To feel ashamed

For being phone illiterate

Ever since they came out with that contraption

Two years ago

All anybody wants to do

Is ask you

If you know how to use it

Can I ask you something?

What was wrong with the telegram?
What was wrong with writing letters?
What was wrong with smoke signals?

Kids today are going to have no idea

How to make a proper smoke signal

And that’s sad, Mae

That’s a true shame

My sister got a phone at her house

And now you can’t get her

Out of the bathtub

Well, the bathtub is in the kitchen

So that’s where they put the phone

You didn’t expect them

To put it in the bedroom, did you?

Heavens above, Mae

The things you come up with

A phone in the bedroom!

Why not just invite the whole neighborhood

To sit by the window and listen

While you tend to your husband?

What is this world coming to?

As it stands, my sister spends five whole minutes

Every single day

Gossiping with her friend June

Mind you, June lives right up the road

Just fifteen short miles

And there my sister is

Yakking away on the phone

Laziness is pervading

The collective consciousness, Mae

It’s corrupting

Our souls

By way of our ears

Mother always said

That was how

The devil would get in

I had a look at this device

When I went to drop off

My sister’s Wednesday corset

And sure enough

It seemed as foreign to me

As a Swedish hand towel

You talk into one end

You listen with the other

There’s a circle

There’s a cord

It’s all too much for me

No, thank you

That’s what I said

Nooooooo, thank you

Besides, you should hear my sister now

Mentioning all the things she knows about

Because of that phone

So-and-so is having a birthday party

For their son

This one is celebrating an anniversary

That one is opening their second saloon

Why, if I knew about all those occasions

I might actually be expected

To attend them

Can you imagine?

Me parading myself around town

Going to every little event

And party

No, thank you
Very much

I much prefer sitting at home

In blissful ignorance

Not knowing what’s going on

In the lives of anyone

That’s important to me

If I want to attend an event

I’m sure I’ll find out about it

And if I don’t find out about it

It’s probably because

I have no interest in it

Because it doesn’t have

Anything to do with me

That system has worked

For hundreds of years

And I see no reason

To disrupt it now

As soon as you start connecting people to each other

They start depending on each other

Expecting support from each other

And pretty soon

You have anarchy

It’s a short road

From connection

To corruption, Mae

A very short road

A lot shorter than the time it would take

To walk fifteen miles

And say ‘Hi, June, how are you?’

Honestly, Mae

This world we live in

It’s getting smaller all the time