(Ringing. A SERVICE REP picks up.)
REP
Hi, this is Metro Cable, who am I
speaking with today?
(Sound of HAIR BRUSHING.)
Hello?
(Soft breathing for a beat.)
I--hello?
(The CUSTOMER comes on the
line. The CUSTOMER uses ASMR
throughout the call, including a
very soothing tone.)
CUSTOMER
Hello.
REP
Uh, hi--Hello. Who am I
speaking with today?
CUSTOMER
One moment. I need to
take a drink of water.
REP
Of course, I’ll just--
(Sound of someone
DRINKING a glass of
water, then ‘Ahhh.’)
Uh, can I--
CUSTOMER
My name is...Dana Baltshoren.
REP
Thank you and can I get
your customer number?
CUSTOMER
4...3...7...1...1...2.
REP
(Yawns.)
Oh, I apologize I--you
have a very, uh, lovely
voice if you don’t mind
me saying so.
CUSTOMER
I have...no idea what
you’re...talking about.
REP
Oh, all right, well--
CUSTOMER
I’d like...to cancel...my cable.
REP
All right, well, uh, are you
unhappy with--
CUSTOMER
One moment. I need...to hum.
(CUSTOMER hums for a
beat or two.)
REP
Uh, Dana, I’m just wondering if
there’s something I can do to,
uh, assist you in having a better
cable experience?
CUSTOMER
You’re...a cog...in the...
capitalist...machine. So...no.
REP
What if we, uh, lowered
your monthly bill?
CUSTOMER
By...how...much?
REP
Well, I can take it down
by, uh, let me see here--
thirty-seven cents?
CUSTOMER
Cut...the cord.
REP
Maybe I could--
CUSTOMER
I’m going to pour myself
another glass of water.
REP
I’d rather you didn’t?
(Nevertheless, sound of
WATER POURING.)
CUSTOMER
Now...I...demand...justice.
REP
Ma’am, you sound angry
and yet..very calm?
CUSTOMER
I’m...furious.
REP
What if we added Toboggan
to your current plan?
CUSTOMER
What’s...Toboggan?
REP
I think it’s a channel for
people who like toboggans,
but I can’t be sure.
CUSTOMER
Blow it...out your…
REP
Ma’am, please don’t
finish that sentence.
CUSTOMER
I’m going...to crinkle...
some paper.
REP
You’re--what?
(Sound of CRINKLING
PAPER.)
Ma’am, what if I add Tobbogan
and a free t-shirt that says
‘I Love Metro Cable?’
(More CRINKLED PAPER.)
Two free t-shirts?
(Sound of FINGERNAILS
TAPPING.)
Two free t-shirts and a
half-priced bumper sticker?
CUSTOMER
Let...me speak...
to your manager?
REP
I--okay, fine. Please hold.
(BEEP. SUPERVISOR comes
on the line.)
SUPERVISOR
Yes?
REP
It’s another ASMR.
SUPERVISOR
You’re kidding.
REP
I’m losing it. If she pours
one more glass of water,
I’m going to pass out in
my cubicle.
SUPERVISOR
Just do what the blue
binder says.
REP
I did.
SUPERVISOR
She didn’t want the t-shirt?
REP
No.
SUPERVISOR
Dammit.
REP
She doesn’t want
Toboggan either.
SUPERVISOR
Well, nobody wants
Toboggan. I’m not even
sure what’s on that channel.
REP
So what do we do?
Cut the cord?
SUPERVISOR
We never cut the cord.
If we just keep her on
the phone long enough,
she’ll break.
REP
How do we keep her on
the phone?
SUPERVISOR
You have to fight fire with fire.
Do you have any paper there?
REP
I’m sitting in a cubicle.
I’m surrounded by paper.
And half-empty cans of
Diet Coke.
SUPERVISOR
Great. Let’s get on the
line together.
(BEEP.)
Hi ma’am, I’m a supervisor
here at Metro Cable.
REP
One moment. I’m giving
my dog a haircut.
(BUZZING sound.)
SUPERVISOR
That’s all right, ma’am.
I have to play my oboe
for a bit anyway.
(OBOE playing on top
of buzzing.)
REP
Uh, should I--
SUPERVISOR
Don’t you have
some...paper to rip?
REP
Uh, yes. Yes, I do.
(PAPER RIPPING on top
of BUZZING and OBOE.
The SUPERVISOR begins
talking over all this.)
SUPERVISOR
Ma’am, I would love to be
able to offer you two full
hours of free cable six
months from now if you
change your mind about
cancelling your cable plan
and stay with our family
here at Metro Cable where
we love and value you.
(BUZZING stops, as does
other SOUNDS.)
CUSTOMER
Eat...my…
SUPERVISOR
One moment.
(Sound of VIOLIN.)
REP
What is happening?
SUPERVISOR
Are you done ripping
your paper?
REP
I can--rip more--?
SUPERVISOR
Do it.
(PAPER RIPPING.)
CUSTOMER
You...monsters.
SUPERVISOR
We really want to keep
you as a customer, ma’am.
If that makes us monsters,
then call me Frankenstein.
REP
Frankenstein was the
doctor not the--
(VIOLIN stops.)
SUPERVISOR
I will come out of my office
and smash this violin over
your head if you tell me he’s
the doctor not the monster.
CUSTOMER
Cut...my cord...or I’ll...
go...nuclear.
REP
What does that mean?
CUSTOMER
I have...a theremin.
SUPERVISOR
Ma’am, let’s calm down.
CUSTOMER
I...will end you.
REP
What’s a theremin?
SUPERVISOR
It’s a frequency oscillator.
REP
I still don’t--
(Sound of THEREMIN playing.)
SUPERVISOR
I was afraid of this.
(CUSTOMER speaks
over the THEREMIN.)
CUSTOMER
You...will bend...to my...will.
SUPERVISOR
Ma’am, I can’t let you cancel
your cable.
CUSTOMER
I...will rain...fire...upon…
REP
Um.
CUSTOMER
...You.
REP
Should we just let her go?
SUPERVISOR
You shut your mouth. We
do not let our customers go.
Do we let them down? Constantly.
But we do not let them go. We
make them sign fifty-year contracts
that stipulate we get to take at
least one of their children and
they love us for it.
CUSTOMER
I’m going...to pour...water...
on...my theremin.
REP
Please stop this.
SUPERVISOR
Ma’am, there must be
something you want that
I can promise to give you
three years from now?
CUSTOMER
Cut...the...cord.
REP
Please just cut her cord.
SUPERVISOR
Okay, you forced me hand.
(A beat.)
Free HBO.
(Another beat.)
CUSTOMER
You...lie.
SUPERVISOR
One year. Free HBO.
REP
Do people still like HBO?
There’s not that much--
SUPERVISOR
I will rip you in half like
a piece of cubicle paper.
CUSTOMER
Two...years.
SUPERVISOR
A year and a half and an
hour of Showtime. You can
watch that one good episode
of Billions.
(A beat.)
CUSTOMER
Deal.
SUPERVISOR
And we kept another one!
REP
Ma’am, before we let
you off the line, could you
pour some more water?
I’m a little anxious right now
and I could use--
(WATER POURING.)
Oh, thank you.
SUPERVISOR
It is nice, isn’t it?
(VIOLIN starts playing.)
REP
I’m never going to
leave this job.
(VIOLIN and WATER
POURING join together
to create an oddly beautiful
melody.)
End of Play
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