Your Password

Your password

Needs to be three letters

Then a number

Then two more letters

Then an exclamation point

Then a capital letter

Then three numbers that are all even numbers

Then three numbers that are all odd numbers

Then your mother’s maiden name

Then your mother’s mother’s maiden name

Then your father’s favorite color

Then your mother’s favorite thing about your father

Then your father’s least favorite thing about your mother

Then what the name of your sister would be if you had a sister

Then--if you have a sister--your sister’s maiden name

Then--if your sister isn’t married--

Wait

Your sister’s maiden name would be your last name, right?

Okay, never mind

This is where you put your last name

And then five more numbers

All of them have to be in sequence

According to the Fibonacci code

Then the password to your dead grandfather’s safe

Where he left all his treasure

Then three capital letters

Then the nuclear codes

Then two more letters

Then the name of your favorite teacher in elementary school

Then the most inspirational thing anyone has ever said to you

No spaces

No capital letters

Don’t worry about grammar

Then a period

Then a semicolon

Then an explanation for how to use

A semicolon

Then the name of your ex’s new phone number

That they never gave you

Because that’s mature?

It’s not

Whatever

Who cares about them?
We don’t

But we do need that number

Call your friend and see

If they have the new number

And then ask them

What their mother’s maiden name is

Because you’re going to need to put that

After your ex’s new phone number

And then their ATM password

Which they probably haven’t changed

Since you both were dating so--

Oh, you never had that?

They never gave you

Their ATM code?

How long were you together?

No, I mean, it’s fine

It’s just--

You know, it’s sort of a trust thing

That most couples are comfortable--

No, it’s cool

No judgment

It’s fine

But, um, get the ATM code

Then add six more numbers

Then an ampersand

Then an asterisk

Then the pound sign

Then a capital J

Then a lowercase m

Then your great-uncle’s cause of death

Then, if the death was suspicious,

Put your theories

About what might have happened

Including possible suspects

And their alibis

If they have them

Then the lyrics to ‘Let the River Run’

By Carly Simon

Then Carly Simon’s ATM code and--

You don’t have THAT either?

I--I am just so confused

By you and your relationships

To people

First your ex

Now Carly Simon

It’s--

Okay, well get that

Call Carly

And, um, add three ‘P’s

Two of them have to be capitalized

But we can’t tell you which ones

Then the first name

Of your favorite pet

And if you never had a pet

Pretend you had a pet
And then put down

What its name

And favorite color

Would have been

Oh, and it’s ATM code

You know, the ATM code

Your cat gave you

When you adopted it

...Okay, well--

You might want to start

Writing this down