The Beauty Box

I was having a cigarette
When the clerk asked me

Check the box, she says

Check the box

Beauty or Other

I heard about the box
But part of me thought
It might be a celestial myth

The Beauty Box

The boogeyman of souls
In processing

I'd been waiting seventy-three years to be born
Small in the grand scheme of things
I have a friend who's been waiting eight hundred years
But they want him to give up drinking first
And he won't do it

Anyway, I got the letter saying I'm in

And so I go to the office
At around 5am China time
Because I guess I was going to China
And that's when they have me fill out the form
And that's when I see the Beauty Box

Now here's the thing

The Beauty Box is the box you check
If you want to be beautiful
But nothing else

Strictly beautiful

And that's all you get

Now, if you check 'Other'
You might still be beautiful
But it's not a guarantee

What IS a gaurantee is that you'll be something
Other than beautiful

Maybe smart, maybe talented
Maybe exceptionally kind
Who the fuck knows?

Point is, you'll be something
But it isn't necessarily going to be smoking hot

Got it?

Okay

So I'm looking at this box
And I don't have much time
Because down on Earth
My mom's going into labor

But I can't...

I mean, it seems like a no-brainer, right?

Or maybe it doesn't
Depending on who you are

Maybe some people might say
If you get the chance to be beautiful
You take it and run
And don't worry about that other stuff
Because beautiful people have it easier

Then maybe some other people might say
That by checking 'Other' you might end up
Being the guy to cure cancer
Or be a world-famous oboe player
Or something

And who cares if you're beautiful
When you can do shit like that?

Point is I didn't know what I was gonna do

I didn't know what to prefer, as you might say

So I'm just sitting there
In the processing office
My cigarette turning into ash
Falling into these nice little ashtrays they have there
Shaped like angels

Ash goes right through the halo
Into this hollowed-out harp

Ain't that cute?

I don't know where they get 'em
But they're cute

Anyway, I look across from me
And there's this little old guy sitting there
With his hat in his hands
Like a regular little cartoon guy or something

And I knew he was just getting back
Because he still had that nice pink color
That only babies and dead souls have

Soon as he looked at me
He knew what I was going to say

'Beauty box, right?' he says

'Yeah,' I say, 'Mind me asking what you picked?'

He licks his lips a little bit
Then he looks down at his hat
Like he's ashamed or something

'I checked the Beauty Box' he says

I can kinda tell
Even for a dead guy
He looks pretty good

And they usually don't get to Processing
Until around the third week
So that's saying something

'How'd it work out for you,' I ask him

He kinda shakes his head a little
Then says--

'I was always given kindness but I could never give it to others because I wasn't kind.  I was always paid attention to but I could never offer anything because I was incapable of making conversation or making others laugh or think or feel anything.  I was always offered opportunities but I couldn't take them because I had no ambition and no talent to speak of.  There was always something wrong with me but I could never figure out what it was because I had no self-awareness.  I was always loved but I could never love back.  My whole life I felt like I was missing something, but I never knew what it was because everybody treated me like I had it all.  If I were you, and I'm not you, but if I were--I wouldn't check that box.'

Then he said--

'Excuse me'

And got up to go

When it was time for me to be born
I went down to Earth
As a little girl
To a nice family in London
Not China
As I had originally thought

Geography has never been my strong suit
Which is ironic
Considering I'm going to grow up
To be a travel writer
Who still enjoys a cigarette
Every now and again

I didn't check the Beauty Box
But when my mother held me for the first time
And my dad looked down at me
You'd never know it

You'd never know
I didn't check it