How to Kiss a Purple Man

If you want to kiss a purple man
You have to forget that he's purple

Or at least act like you have

'Oh, are you purple?  I hadn't noticed.'

Act very blahs-ay about it
Blahs-ay is when you act like you don’t care
When you actually care quite a bit

‘Oh, are you purple?  Yes, I suppose you are.  Well, I hardly ever notice that sort of thing.  Now, shall we kiss perhaps?  How enchanting it shall be.  Blah-say, blah-say, blah-say.’

Sometimes people don’t know
That you’re being blahs-ay
So I like to point it out to them

When you kiss a purple man
You have to do it with your eyes open
Because if you close your eyes
He’ll think it’s because you don’t like seeing
How purple he is

Which is not the case

So whatever you do
Don’t close your eyes
And if he has his eyes closed
Slap him on the arm so he’ll open his eyes
And see that you have yours open
Because you don’t care how purple he is

Purple men often kiss you
When you're least expecting it

Like when you're standing underneath a sign
That says--

'Don't worry.  Nobody is going to kiss you here.'

That's when they strike

And what makes it fun
Is that you don't expect it
And the kisses are like kisses from a Prince
Expect sometimes Prince kisses feel like a frog is kissing you
Because the last part of a Prince to become a Prince
Is his lips

Purple men don't have that problem
Their lips aren't froggy at all
Although they can jump very high

They often buy dinner for you
Even if you order fish sticks
Even if you order two orders of fish sticks
And the fancy milkshake

They have a card that is so big
It can carry all that stuff

And they just say--

'Put it on my card.'

And then the waitress
Brings it all out on the card
And that means the Purple man
Paid for it

And then you have to kiss him
But only on the cheek
Because you don't want to give him
The 'wrong idea'

My mom always tells my sister
About 'the wrong idea'
About giving boys 'the wrong idea'

'The wrong idea' is when a boy thinks
He doesn't have to buy your movie ticket
Just because he bought you the fancy milkshake
Because you'll kiss him for real anyway

THAT is 'the wrong idea'

He only gets fake kisses
Until after the movie
And then he gets a real one
And that's only if he's nice

But purple men usually are

I'm telling you
If you haven't kissed a purple man
You simply must--

Oh...

Well...no...

I haven't ever exactly met a purple man...

But at least when I get to meet a purple man
And he falls madly in love with me
And demands to kiss me
I'll know exactly
What to do