The Dorm Room of Lust

Well, hello

I'm so glad you could make it
To my little soiree

Can I offer some wine
Mixed with mountain dew
Poured into a Porky Pig coffee mug?

I smuggled in the liq-uer
While my R.A. was helping some girl
Puke into a wastebasket

One girl's tragedy
Is another man's spirits
Am I right?

Have a seat on my sleeping place

I'd sit with you
But...there really isn't room

Perhaps later we can both fit
If we...cling to each other
The way the dust
Clings to my Star Wars lamp

Do you like that I stapled red tissue paper to it
To create a sense of ambiance?

I thought you would

Perhaps we should put something in our gullies
Before we move onto more carnal activities

Would you care for some Ritz crackers wrapped in Ramen noodles?
Maybe some cool Ranch Doritos dipped in assorted condiments
That I've mixed together to create various sauces?

I call this one 'mayoketstard'

I only have one request, my darling

My lovemaking has been known to incite
Boisterous response
From any girl lucky enough to experience it

But I must ask you, beseech you, really
To try and stifle your cries of ecstasy

You see these brick walls
Are not real brick
But merely asbestos and Dip 'N Stick powder
Caked together and shaped to look like brick

My neighbors are able to hear
Everything that goes on in this room
And I've already been written up twice
For playing Sade too loudly
During one of my...sessions

If you need something to scream into
Please feel free to use the various sweatshirts
I keep scattered around the room

The Oxford sweatshirt is the one that was washed most recently
So that might be your best bet

Oh ho ho ho, no I never went to Harvard
I just refuse to wear the sweatshirt of the school I actually go to
Ha ha ha how silly that would be!

Now, if you'll please remove your clothing
We can begin

If you like, you can deposit all of your attire
On top of my 'Pirates of the Caribbean' trash basket

Ahoy matey

Ahoy