The Wives of the Barbarians

Goddamn warriors

All they wanna do all day is 
Eat, kill and fuck


YEAH, YOU HEARD ME, YOU BASTARDS!
EAT, KILL AND FUCK!


And more of one than the other
If you know what I mean, Uga


Remember when we were younger?


You'd marry the men
You'd send them to war
They'd die
And you'd live happily ever after


The dream is gone, Uga
The dream is gone


Now they take us with them
With then go conquering


If I have to clean peasant blood
Out of a yak saddle
One more time
I'm going to spill some blood of my own


GOBERT!  STOP STICKING YOUR HAND IN THAT HOLE!
HOW'S IT GOING TO HEAL IF YOU KEEP STICKING YOUR FUCKING HAND IN IT?
I HOPE IT TURNS GREEN LIKE THE ONE WHERE YOUR FINGER USED TO BE!
THAT'S WHAT I'M HOPING FOR, YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!


You know, I hate to say this, Uga
But I think the romance may be gone


It's just not like it used to be
When Gobert was Vice-Conquerer


Back then, we could at least have an evening to ourselves
To tan leather or guess which one of our teeth was going to fall out next


Now that he's Head Conquerer
It's like I don't even know him anymore


Last night he asked when I was going to make him a goat sandwich


'Since when do you like goat,' I ask
'I've always liked goat,' he says
'You're a fucking liar,' I say


Then he says I need to mind him
Or he'll strike me the way Zurda strikes his wife


I told him that Zurda is going to wake up one of these days
With a few of his favorite parts missing
But he didn't hear that from me

I knew it wasn't going to be easy being the wife of a barbarian
But I at least thought there'd be some excitement


Oh Uga, the pillaging is all the same now


If you've seen one burning hut
You've seen them all


Sometimes I lay awake at night
Staring at Gobert
Partly to make sure that the herds from the North
Don't attack us by surprise again


(I'm a better watchman, but god forbid a woman be in charge of anything in this fucking tribe)


I lay awake and watch him
Wondering what happened


What happened to my sweet, thoughtful
Tender marauding murderer?


Then he rolls over
And starts to frigate me
And I think--


Welllllll, at least he took a bath last year


Some women don't even have that