The Choreographer

Okay, everybody
Listen up

When I was asked to choreograph an opera
My first thought was--

Wow, all that singing!

All those voices
Coming together
To create a tapestry of song!

What a SNOOZEFEST!

Then, I said to myself--

'Hey there, are you or are you not a creative genius?'

And I responded with--

'Well, yes, I am.'

That's when it hit me

I could be to opera
What Salk was to polio

--The cure!

That's when I took the job of turning this clunker called 'La Baloney'
Into something worthwhile

First step, no more just standing around and singing

From now on, you singers have to EARN your paychecks

I want constant movement

If you're standing onstage, you should be thinking to yourself
Why aren't I moving somewhere?
Am I capable of moving?
If I'm not, how did I get in this show?
Am I someone's nephew?

Charlie, don't ask yourself that last question
I don't want you getting upset before dinner at Nana's tonight

Don't worry about having a reason to move

People are always complaining
That people in my shows
Move for no reason

You know what I say to that?

If you're not moving, you're dead
And if you want to see a bunch of dead people onstage
I suggest you check out Earth, Wind, and Fire in concert

The entire arena smelled like embalming fluid

We don't need reasons to move in life
Do you know how often I scale large trees
And tap dance on the branches
Just because I can?

Because I can!  There's a reason for you

We want to constantly be distracting the audience
So they don't notice that we're not singing anything in English

You think people want to sit down and listen
To a bunch of people singing gobble-dee-gook?

That would be like paying to go to the DMV

Everybody, I'm going to let you in on a little secret:

All theater is boring

99.999% of theater left to its own devices
Is completely unwatchable

And do you know what that .001% is?

All the shows I've choreographed

I wish I could do more, ladies and gentlemen
I really do
But I'm only one person

Nevertheless, it's our job as performers
To fool the audience
Into thinking
That what they're watching
Is entertaining

Now if that means lighting ourselves on fire
While fuoette-ing until we throw up on ourselves
Then that's what we have to do

Now let's take it from the top of the show
And see if we can slap some paint
On this money pit

Nobody said art was easy, everybody
Except maybe me when I was drunk last night
And that might be the only time
I was wrong