He's Not in the Mafia

Ma, he's not in the mafia

Well, Tori's a liar

Well, she is
I don't care if she's my sister
She's a lying sister then

What?  Sisters can't lie?

Daughters can lie
Why can't sisters?

How do I know daughters can lie?

Because I'm your daughter
And I lie to you
That's how I know

No, I'm not lying about this
He's not in the mafia

Because he says he is
That's how I know he's not

Ma, no Italian guy
That says he's in the mafia
Is in the mafia

Especially not on the first date
When he doesn't even know
What the girl he's dating does for a living

What if I were a policewoman?

I was wearing flats
And I had my hair pulled back
How's he gonna know?

I only told Tori he was in the mafia
Because she was bragging about Vinny
Making fireman

Ma, they make you slide down a pole
And aim a hose
Who's flunking that test?

So I said, 'Tori, that guy I went out on a date with is in the mafia'

Then she shut up
'Cause she loves Ray Liotta in 'Goodfellas'
And probably went and bitched at Vinny
For being an upstandin' citizen
'Cause she's always gotta ruin everything

Ma, trust me I'm sure
You should have seen the tie this guy was wearing

No self-respecting mobster
Wears a tie like that

Then he doesn't tip the valet
Or the waitress

Ma, I worked at Mickey's restaurant for six years

Say what you want about the mafia
But don't ever say they're bad tippers

The nail that sunk the camel
Was the dessert

We got dessert
And he ordered the cheesecake

Mafia guys don't eat cheesecake

I don't know why
Maybe there's a code about it or something

All I know is
They don't eat cheesecake

So he's probably an accountant
Or a kindergarten teacher
Or something like that

I'm glad you're relieved, Ma

Nah, I don't think I'm ever gonna see him again

There's guy that I see out all the time
Who says his job is 'pigeon extermination'

Now that sounds like my kinda guy