What Your Husband Doesn't Know

Your husband doesn't know
How you make those cookies
Does he?

I mean, does he ask you?
Does he even bother to ask you
What you put in them?

He assumes you bake them
And make them correctly
To his liking, am I right?

I mean, am I right?

Does he know the sort of detergent you use
On his laundry?

Or where you buy his shirts
And his shoes?

Does he know what you do all day
While he's at work
Coming up with designs
For houses
You're never going to live in?

Mine doesn't either

Mine thinks I come over here
And we exchange cake recipes

He thinks we smoke cigarettes
And then he asks me
And I say we don't
And he walks away with a smirk
Thinking that we do smoke cigarettes
And that I think I've pulled one over on him
While all the while, he's onto to my little schemes

And I like letting him think that

What does your husband think you do
That you shouldn't be doing?

Does he think you dip into the Scotch?
Does he think you cheat on your diet?
Does he think you cheat on him?

Maybe yours is worse than mine

You know I used to have a little dog
Back when I was single
Living in the city

I wasn't supposed to have him
But I snuck him by the landlord
And he was a good dog

Never made any noise

I used to go to work
Thinking I could leave him in that little apartment
And come back
To find everything exactly as it was

But he would find so many ways
To make me pay for leaving him
While I was gone

He would piss in a pair of my shoes
Or leave something worse under the couch

He would pull a magazine off the coffee table
Tear it apart
And leave it behind my bed
So I would think that somebody had come in
While I was gone

He never tore up the place
He was too smart for that
He didn't want me to know what he was doing
Until he'd already done it

That was the trick to it, you see

My husband made me get rid of that dog
When we got married

He was deathly allergic
To dogs and bee stings
The same way your husband is allergic to nuts

I missed that dog like crazy
Until I started coming over here
And spending time with you

Now the only thing I miss
Is you when I go home

But I don't plan on going home today

Not with a bedroom full of bees

Now, why don't you see how hot that oven is

I'd do it
But I got my hair done for you
And I don't want the heat
To take it down

I'll tell you what though...

I'll add the nuts to the batter

All you have to do
Is write a note that says

'Enjoy'