What the Doctors Told My Mom

The doctors told my mom
I'd have trouble

That or I'd be trouble
I can't remember which

They said I'd be a handful
So maybe trouble
Maybe they said I'd be trouble
And, by way of being trouble
I'd have trouble
As would she, of course
For having to deal with me

That was the expression that always set her off

People asking--'How do you deal with--?'

It would make her incredibly angry

My mother lost two children
And then had me

She was so happy
The idea of me being something
She had to 'deal with'
Was lunacy to her
And later on, it became so to me
Although I didn't blame the doctors
They were just trying to warn her
About the Maybe's

There were a lot of Maybe's

Maybe I wouldn't talk
Maybe I wouldn't hear
Maybe I wouldn't be able to understand

That would be the scariest one, of course

You can hear and talk and see and think and articulate
And elaborate and describe and delineate, I suppose

But to never be able to understand
Or to make yourself understood
Well...

That would be the ultimate darkness, it seems

The doctors told my Mom
She and I might pass by each other
Our entire lives
Never quite seeing
Eye-to-eye

But a mother understands her child
Before the child understands itself
And so despite them telling her about the Options
The Options for me
For when I was born

For when I could be brought somewhere
Taken somewhere
Where I could be cared for
By people who also wouldn't understand me
But would at least be all right with not understanding me
My mother understood enough
To tell all those doctors to--

Well, I shouldn't repeat it
It isn't the nicest choice of words

Suffice it to say--

The doctors told my mother something
And my mother told the doctors something

And the doctors went away
And then it was my mother and me

And things were hard
And they were always hard
And that's what I want to say
That this isn't a 'The doctors were wrong' story

At least, not completely
They were not
Completely
Wrong

But there is something they were wrong about

I'm standing here at my mother's funeral
Talking about her
And as I do

I see my son sitting in the front row

A son I'm sure the doctors expected
I'd never be able
To have or care for

Granted, they know more now
Than they do then

These were Then doctors
Not Now doctors

Now doctors understand more
Than Then doctors did

But...

I look at my son
And I understand something about my mother

And I understand
That she probably always understood me

And that's why she took me home
And that's why she fought past the hard
And the difficult

And that's why I can stand here now
And speak so eloquently about her

She taught me to speak
She taught me to listen
And she taught me how to make myself be understood

How she did all that
I'll never understand

But hopefully
I'll take my son home with me today
And with each day that goes by
I'll understand
A little more

And a Doorbell Rings

The clock tocks
It ticks
And tocks
And makes us aware
That the hour is here
Not near anymore, but here

We hear it
Tick tock
The clock declares
It's tick tock time

Tick tock

The steps creak
The doors close
The windows shut

The house knows what's coming
The house knows what's what

And somewhere, a book
Has been finished and shut

And a doorbell rings

The brass knobs turn
And the cupboards go bare

The wax on the floor
Seems to dry up
And crack

The walls close out
Then pull out
Then move down

The neighborhood's soft
The neighborhood's good
The neighborhood only notices
What the neighborhood should

And somewhere nearby
There's a church with a bell
And it knows something's up

But the church bell
Won't tell

The slippers are soft
The drawers are full
The clothing is comforting
Made of cotton and wool

The bassinet's empty
And will be for awhile
The home's been redone
In a more modern style

And a doorbell rings
And rings, and rings

The lawn outside grows
At a startling pace

The sprinklers sprinkle
Blue water and lace

There isn't an attic
Or basement
Or places that would seem
To harbor a monster
That's harbored in dreams

But the monster isn't inside, you see?

The monster can only get so far

The monster's always outside
Waiting at the door

Waiting to be let in

And a doorbell rings
And a doorbell rings
And a doorbell rings

And for some reason
Nobody knows

Someone goes
And opens it

And says--'It's you'

Then steps aside
To let you in

A Message from the Principal

Hello Students!

This is your principal
Mr. Pattenwhit
Informing you that school has been cancelled for the day
Because, well, it's just too darn nice out to be in school!

Hang out, the Vice-Principal
Is trying to muscle his way into my office
So he can try and convince me
That learning is more important than living

We have disagreements about things, students
Me and Mr. Fugit
But here's what you have to remember

A Vice-Principal is the bad cop
To every principal's good good
And Mr. Fugit is a very good bad cop
But today, it is just too nice
To have a bad cop at all
Today, all cops should be good cops
Even Los Angeles cops

So, why am I in such a good mood, you might ask?
Why am I suddenly so willing
To let all of you escape your classes
And go frolicking into the fields
Behind the science building
Where we found those six dead raccoons last year?

I'll tell you why

Because I'm in love

I'm in love with Microbiology teacher, Ms. Stanadan

Ms. Stanadan is moderating Study Hall right now
So would everyone in Study Hall please stand up and applaud her?

Go ahead
Stand up and cheer for her
Because she is a remarkable woman
With gorgeous legs

Cheer for those legs, students
Give them their due

Last night, Ms. Stanadan and I
Went on our first date
And it was love, students
It was pure love
From the minute we sat down at the Olive Garden
To the second we pulled out of our respective parking spots
At Pinkberry

Yes, last night was a culinary adventure
But it was also a journey of two souls
Finding each other
Amidst breadsticks
And cherry vanilla yogurt

After last night
Coming into work this morning just seemed...wrong

Who can possibly sit around
In this dull, gray, sad building
Weighted down by all this knowledge and education
When right outside
There's a whole world to explore?

So I release you children
Just like Lincoln released the slaves

As a matter of fact, it's exactly like Lincoln releasing the slaves
Not an ounce different

They were given freedom
And I'm giving you all
The freedom to love

You know, when my wife left me
I never thought I'd know true happiness again

And so I made my life my work

I came in early
I wore ugly ties
I gave out extra detention when most of you didn't deserve it

I was a jerk

But I'm a jerk no more

As soon as you're all out of the building
I'm handing in my resignation
And that'll be the last you see of me and Ms. Stanadan
Because we'll be running away to Niagra Falls
Which is a place you won't learn about in your Geography class
Because it's a lust-filled Wonderland

And hopefully, one day
You'll get to experience it for yourselves

I'll miss you, students
But remember this
The last time you'll hear my voice

Telling you to go
Telling you to run
Telling you that there are some things on this Earth
You just can't learn in school

Oh, and by the way--

Anyone auditioning for the Drama Club's production of "Kiss of the Spider Woman" should bring sixteen bars uptempo and be prepared to dance.

Thank you

Dust

Just come and sit for a second
I want to talk to you

Don't worry about getting your pants dirty
They're pants

If God wanted them to stay clean
He would have had us
Wear them on our heads

Even there, things get dirty
Your hair's always dirty, isn't it?

Mine was too
When I was your age

When you're a kid
All you want to do
Is find dirt to play in

When you get older
You don't need to look for dirt

Dirt comes looking for you

See that man down there?

Walking up this way
In his nice suit
With a stack of papers in his hands?

That man's never looked bad in his life
But trust me
He's as dirty as they come

Some people are just better
At hiding their dirt
Than others

When he gets a little closer
I'm going to fire a shot at him

I'm not going to shoot him
I'm going to try not to shoot him
Which, considering his size
Is actually going to be more of a challenge

He'll run off
And come back with police
And they'll take me away
And take you
Who knows where

That's if we were to stick around
Which we're not

I guess my brother
And that wife of his
Have stopped drinking long enough
To decide that--

Yes, they would like a son to raise

And my little baby-sitting job for them is over

Well, all I have to say to that is--

You're six years too late

Now, I want you to sit here with me for a minute
Just before I fire this gun

And then everything's going to be different

So let's just enjoy this moment

You in your nice, clean pants
Me and the house I built from scratch
And that man down there
Who thinks he's coming
To take you away from me

Just sit and listen to it

That great 'before'

Before everything
Turns to dust

The Unprofessional Therapist

Oh my goodness!

Is that what you've been waiting to tell me

Holy fuck

I'm sorry, but--my God!

Jesus

That is messed up!

I mean, I know I've only been treating you
For eight months
But seriously
I did not see that coming

My God, you should brace people
Before you just unleash something like that

I am stunned

I mean, I am really stunned

I don't even know what to say

Write it down?

No, no, trust me
I don't need to write it down
It's seared in my brain

Besides, this notebook doesn't really have anything valuable in it anyway

It's mostly just doodles

See, this is one of you
In a puppy costume
Doing jumping jacks

Cute, right?

I have to do stuff like that
Or I go nuts listening to all this stuff

Especially the kind of stuff you just told me

Man, I have GOT to tell somebody else about this

It's cool though
I'll just change your name or something

I'll call you Bobo

How does that sound?

Wow, you are really twisted

I've treated, like, serial killers and stuff
I mean, I didn't know they were serial killers for sure
But I'm pretty confident that some of the people I've treated
Were sick enough to have killed people
In a serialized way

But even taking those patients into consideration
You are still, by far
The most warped example
Of a human being
I have ever met
In my life

And that's just based on what you told me
A second ago

Who knows what else is lurking up there
In that torture chamber
You call a psyche?

Man, I can't wait to keep working with you

It's like opening up a new Stephen King novel

Will there be monsters?
Will there be murderers?
Will there be a giant clown?

God, the adventure of it all!

So, let's keep going

Oh, and by the way
I'm going to take the gun out of my drawer
And just keep it in my lap, but--

Don't let that distract you

Remember

This is a palace
Of sensitivity

Carrie's Facebook Talks Her Down

Carrie, I have to show you this

I have to show you this
Because I'm your newsfeed
And it's my job to show you
Anything that might upset you
Instead of you finding out in public
Where you'd have to feign apathy
While you silently dig your fingernails
Into the palm of your hand
To quell your fury

Carrie, Jack is engaged

Now, take a deep breath

I'm going to show you the update

It says--Jack is now engaged to--

Okay, and here's where
You really need to steady yourself
So I just need you to breathe
And relax
And think of--

It's Raquel
It's Raquel from college
Slutty Raquel who always called you Connie
He's marrying Raquel

Okay, now breathe
Breathe
Deep breaths
Very good

Carrie, just remember
There are lots of other guys out there
And Jack was an idiot anyway

You haven't even spoken to him in--

Hang on, let me bring up that last message
Where you called him a soulless Neanderthal
With a small--

Three years!

It's been three years

And you've moved on

Look, Scott from the office is poking you
Taylor the ski instructor is poking you
Your mother is poking you
Although I don't really think she understands what poking is

Oh!  And look at this!

Chris from your gym
Just broke up with his girlfriend
It's a sign!

Wait, he now says he's interested in men

Well...New gay friend!

Yay!  Right?

Oh, look at this
Your sister just posted a beautiful photo of your niece
And Sarah just posted on your wall saying she misses you
And your mother finally managed to tag that photo of you
Falling into your cousin's wedding cake

Look at the beauty of life
All here on your newsfeed

How can you possibly be upset
About that jerk getting engaged to--

Huh

Wow

Uh...

You know what I don't need to post everything that--

Well, it's a...

Um, uh...

It's an ultrasound photo

So...

Haha

Haha

Ha

Wow

Well hey--

At least we know
Why they're getting married

Ahead

Ahead is the place
You gonna stay in the car?

You wanna come in
You can come in

I'm only gonna be a minute

What?

You don't want to come in?

Or you want me to get you something?

J. said he's got that stuff you like too
I can get you some
I got paid this week

What?

Fuck

Why do you do this?

Why do you do this
When we're pulling up
So I gotta stay in here
And talk to you
While J. stares at us
From out the window
Wondering what the fuck is going on

We do this every week
What's the problem?

Fuck, you know
If you're not going to talk
Just keep driving, okay?

Drive around the block or something

I'm not going to argue with you
In front of J's house
Like we're some fucked up married couple

I'm not doing that, all right?

So just keep driving

Whoa, whoa
I didn't mean like, dive away
Like, drive around the block
Or something
But like, drive slow
We said we'd be there by eight
It's almost eight
I keep him waiting
He says 'Fuck it'
And we're fucked for the week

Look, just park over here, okay?
Just park the car
Just chill, all right?

Jesus, what the fuck?

Don't talk to me about quitting now
Okay, not the fucking time
Not the fucking time at all

We get in the car
We drive for an hour
For a fucking hour

Now you wanna quit?

I can't fucking quit

You can because you're made of fucking steel
And ice and titanium apparently
But I can't fucking quit, okay?

I'm not made of the stuff you are

I've been doing it longer
I do more of it
I get it for us
I take the risk
I got you on it
That's how fucking bad I am

So no, I can't quit

Quitting is not in the future for me, okay?

You wanna quit
Stop the car
And I'll get out
And I'll walk to J's house
And I'll get my shit
And I'll find a dumpster somewhere
I can crawl behind
Because I'm not fucking scared, all right?

I'm not fucking scared of anything
Except what's gonna happen
If you drive away right now
With me in this car
Like I know you're thinking of doing

Don't fucking do it, okay?

I'm not kidding

Don't

You wanna talk about this
We'll talk about it
But we're getting the shit first
Because I can't talk
I can't fucking think breathe whatever
Until we get that taken care of, okay?

So pull up ahead
Park
And let me get out

After that if you wanna drive away
You drive away

Just get me to the door first

I'll take it from there

This Way to the Top

This is the way you want to go
This is the way you want to step
This is the way you want to move
This is the way you want to speak
This is the way you want to chat
This is the way you want to converse
This is the way you want to confront
This is the way you want to collapse
This is the way you want to condone
This is the way you want, trust us

This is the way
To go

This is the way
You put on a tie
Practice a speech
Prey on the weak

This is the way
You get what you want
This is the way to the top

This is the way you pay the bills
This is the way you order steak
This is the new device you buy
This is the new kind of car you drive
This is the drink you drink
These are the things you think
This is all laid out for you
This is the way to the top

This is break that gets you in
This is the rope that keeps out chumps
This is the food that tastes better
This is the help you get for simple tasks
These are the interns for you to abuse
These are the drugs you're going to use
This is the way to the top

This is your someone
This is your other someone
This is your someone with benefits
This is your someone who knows someone
Who now is happy to know you
This is the way to the top

This is the staircase that leads to a door
That leads to a hallway
That ends at a window
That you should open one day
And look out of

And know that one day
You may
Be going
Out that window

Because, you see
Though it's lovely here
And we like it here
And you'll like it here
And we know you will

The thing about the top is--

There's little room
And little direction
And few goals
And less satisfaction

And the stairway is there
Tempting you to go
To go that last bit up
And see how high you are

And then see
What it is
You want
To do about it

Upon Awakening

Upon awakening
I was told
That I'd been sleeping

That I'd be sleeping for a very long time

Beards had been grown

Not on me, of course
Thank goodness
But on others
And long beards too

Cartoon-ishly long beards

Upon awakening
My fingernails were in need of a trim
My hair was in need of cutting
My lips were chapped

So you see, I wasn't perfect
I had changed

Even lying perfectly still
I had changed

Upon awakening
I read poems
That were written about me

I had doctors
Place their hands on me
And pray
As if they were of the cloth
As opposed to people of science

I say people, but they were all men

Men with long beards

Beards that probably weren't there
When I first went to sleep

Dragons had disappeared
Giants were shorter
Sunlight was brighter

These were things I noticed

I didn't notice that I had developed an accent
An odd lilt, sort of British
That had come upon me while sleeping
And now refused to leave

It was strange, but not unpleasant
To be truthful, I encouraged it a little

Perhaps I shouldn't have, but I did

Upon awakening
My skin was fairer
And my lips, though chapped, were redder
My hair was blacker

I was more beautiful
Than I had been before
Although everyone insisted
That I had always been beautiful

Perhaps I had been
And I just hadn't felt it

How sad that would be

Upon awakening--

And I feel terrible saying this
But when I awoke

There was a part of me

That wanted to go back to sleep

Not because I hated what I found
When I woke up
But because...

I wasn't used to it

I wasn't used to being awake

And a part of
Just wanted
To go back

Into that floating nothingness

That anti-gravity

That sleep

A part of me just wanted
To change
And grow
And mature
And progress

In peace

In blissful
Silent
Peace

Inspiration, or A Naked Man

It was really nothing, you know
I was just sort of strolling through the garden
Thinking about writing

I find I think about writing so much
That by the time I finally sit down to write
All the excitement's gone out of it, you know?

Sort of like I use all the energy of it up
While it's still in my head

Anyway, that's not the story
The story is the man

The man was standing naked in the garden
Stock still, right there in the garden
And of course, it arrested me
Quite immediately
And I found myself frozen
As if I'd encountered a lion
Or some other exotic species
That might attack
If provoked

He was--

Well, I'd never think to describe a man this way
But he was quite...lovely

I mean, sort of like a statue, you know?

Very still
And very...elegant

His body created these perfect lines
And I thought to myself

Were I an artist
I would simply have to find a canvas
And begin painting him
But, of course, I've no talent for that
Only for writing
And I was without a pencil or pad
Which I suppose doesn't make me sound
Like a very good writer
Or, at least, not a very well-prepared one

I remember thinking--

I must commit this to memory
I must remember this moment exactly as it is
Although, for the life of me
I couldn't say why it seemed so important

After all, it wasn't the first nude form I'd seen
I do know about art, though I'm not an artist
And I've certainly seen--

But this was different

This was...

Something...natural

Natural and...beautiful
Truly, just...spectacular really

The man was sitting by the pond
Dipping his fingers
Just a centimeter below the surface

And it was like a Greek myth
Like Narcissus, gazing at his own beauty

And I was so worried
That I would forget it
This image

That I would fail to hold it in

Especially when the man turned around and saw me
Because the shock of it sent me running
And the next thing I knew
I was in my room

Ripping at the drawers of my desk
Looking for paper and ink and--

And it all came pouring out of me
For the first time
Intact
Just as I had wanted it

Perfectly represented on paper
And yet...

So much less

So much less than what it was

But, for writing, it was...

It was as near an experience
As one could communicate
Without actually living
That experience

But I felt sorry for my reader
Whomever it may be

Because the actual experience was--

Well...

It was quite wonderful

I don't know who the man was
Nobody seemed to know
About any man in the garden, but...

But I feel as if he unlocked something in me

Or rather, unblinded me

I feel able to see
In a way
I'd never been able to see before

To see and remember

It's a gift, you see
A great gift I've been given

And I'd like to thank him
But...

I suppose that's why authors dedicate their work

To honor the people
Who allowed them
To create it

The Fifteen People Telling Me to Move

The fifteen people telling me to move
Plan on staying
So what the fuck?

They got every reason
I should go
And they're telling me
How sad they'd be
To see me leave
As they're putting their foot on my ass
Trying to get me out the door

And I say--I like it here
And they say--No, you don't
You don't like it here
There's nothing to do here

And I say--I find stuff to do here
And they say--Like what?
And I say--I hang out with you guys
And they look at me
Like I've insulted them

They tell me they're not going to be here much longer
But it's been awhile
A long time
Since any of them left
And they all came back
So what does that tell you?

What does that tell you
About the odds
Of going somewhere else
And sticking there
You know what I mean?

The fifteen people telling me to move
Use a hundred and fifty reasons
One for each of their fingers
And none for their toes

They list the reasons
Why I'm too good to stick around

Funny, I used to respect people
Who stuck around
But apparently
It's no longer
An admirable trait

They tell me I need to go somewhere
Where I can be appreciated
And I say--Well, you guys appreciate me, don't you?
And they say--No, no we don't.

They say--We don't respect you, is more what it is
We don't respect you
Because you're here
Because you're here and you're not going anywhere

Where are you going, man?
--They ask, shaking their heads

Where are you going?

The fifteen people telling me to move
Should be the fifteen reasons I love it here

But the more they talk
The more they convince me

That maybe I've got
No reason to stay

The Cruise

Well we gained weight
That's for sure

The food is--

I mean, all you do is eat
That's all

Ken would eat with Mark
And I would stay with Nancy
And just, you know, relax
But then the boys would come back
And we'd all go out to eat again

So Ken and Mark really put on the weight
Although Nancy and I certainly got our share

Nancy is too funny
I mean, just too funny
You sit and talk with her
You feel like you're a comedy show
In the front row
And you're just getting some entertainment
Let me tell ya

She's a good time

Mark is, you know, nice too
He's more Ken's style
Slow and steady
That's the boys for you
Slow and steady

Of course, he WAS upset
After the--

I mean, how could you not be upset?
We were all upset
It was just--

Now, Ken gets mad when I say this
But I'm still holding out hope
That they'll find her

I mean, I just can't see her
Going over the edge

I mean, she certainly wouldn't have jumped
She wasn't, you know--not that way at all
The type to do something like that
That just wasn't her
She was always cracking jokes

Her and Mark would sit with us at dinner
And she'd just crack joke after joke
Oh, when she'd joke about Mark
Man, would she light into him
And he'd just sort of sit there
And not say anything
And then she'd start in
About how he wasn't saying anything
And he's such a push-over and--

Hahaha oh my god, she was a hoot

It's something I think about a lot
Because when I think about the fact that she might be--

Well, I like to remember what a nice time we had

Oh, and--

Because Ken gets mad when I talk about this
Because things are still open
And being, you know, investigated, or whatever
But I'm just talking about
What a nice time we had

And all that stuff about Mark is crazy anyway

He wouldn't have done anything to Nancy
And besides, Ken said he was with Mark
That whole night
Playing together in the casino
So there you go

There's your--what is it
The alibi

There's your alibi

Not that he needed one

Who would want to hurt Nancy?

She was just so funny
Always cracking jokes

Anyway, Mark has been so torn up about this
Obviously

You wouldn't know it from looking at him
But he is
He really is

So Ken and I are taking him
On another cruise last month
So he can gain back some of that joy he lost

Until they find Nancy
Which I'm sure they will

Until then, it'll be just me and the boys

Oh, they're already talking
And making plans
Every night
Whispering on the phone
Thinking I don't hear them

Hahaha they're so cute

And I sure could use
Another vacation

With my two favorite guys

Just the three of us

Doesn't that sound fun?

Other People's Cars

While they played 'November Rain'
I was getting marks put on my neck
By a garage guru named Claude Thomas

He made you call him that
'Claude Thomas'--and he was a guru, I'm not kidding

He was the wisest person I ever met
And a terrible lover
And he could change your oil
While he dispensed wisdom
And did awkward things to your nipples

Sorry if I'm sharing too much
But this was the nineties
It was an entire decade
Of bad decisions

I dated people then
I wouldn't let valet my car now

That was part of the thrill

I'd look at a guy and think--

Wow, he looks damaged.

Remember when damaged
Was attractive?

I guess it still is
If you're young
And interested in knowing
What the San Diego police station is like
At three o'clock in the morning
On a Tuesday

Anyway, I was fooling around with Claude Thomas
The wise-yet-bad-in-bed mechanic
Which is sort of a misnomer
Because we never actually did stuff in a bed
We mostly hooked up
In other people's cars

And every time we did
He'd put 'November Rain'
In the tape deck

Which, now, today
Sounds ridiculously corny
And I'm totally aware of that
But--and I hesitate to say this
But I swear it's true--

At the time, it honestly seemed
To make this really unromantic situation
Seem incredibly romantic

Like, there were moments
When we'd be in the back
Of this jeep wrangler
And Claude Thomas would be, like, in ecstasy
Which meant he was quoting Sartre
And trying not to finish before I did
And 'November Rain' was playing
And I thought to myself--

And please keep in mind
I was young and stupid
But not any more stupid
Than your average young, stupid person

And still I thought--

'I should be with this man forever'

That's how effective 'November Rain' was on me
Back then

And--

And this is where I tell you
That this is not one of those stories
Where I tell you about some dumb guy I had sex with
And how I feel embarrassed about it now
Because I don't feel embarrassed
And this is not one of those stories

This is a story
About how great it is
How fucking great it is
To be young

And here's the proof:

I look back on that moment
That horribly cheesy moment
When I was having bad sex in a jeep
On a lift
In a garage
While Guns 'N Roses played in the background
And I still remember the entire thing
As being unbearably romantic

To this day
That song still makes me tear up

That's the beauty of being young

And it's okay that you don't appreciate it at the time
Because you're not supposed to

You're supposed to appreciate it later

When you think about it
And wonder why the hell
You still smile
When you do

Anymore

I don't get that
Shaking feeling
That
Original issue
That
Dollar store depression
That
Wondering if I should be
Somewhere other than where I am
Anymore

I don't fear that
Inescapable pressure to
Progress further than
My predecessors did
And if I
Skid to a stop too soon
Well, I
Just gotta grab onto the balloon
And see how high I can get
Before the bubble pops

And I stopped
Eating after ten
Drinking before Friday
Getting pink tattoos
Gluing myself
Then trying to get unglued
Propping myself up
With nothing but attitude
But I don't do that
Anymore

I don't go out
I don't stay in
I don't pretend
I don't begin

To start things I can't finish
Or diminish my capacity
By trying to be a better me
When I can't even master
Going faster as I am

I used to tell the time
Now I find myself
Trying too hard
To come up with
Casual rhymes

So I don't bother
Anymore

I'm not a cheater
I'm not a chump
I got dumped three days
Before we were ready
To move in my stuff

I sold all my shit
And said I was proud of myself
And lied the proud lies

Of a health-on-the-outside man
And a shitty-on-the-inside fool

I used to feel cool
But not
Anymore

Hard to get the glue off now
Hard to feel anything
But drenched in the past
And even that won't last

Hard to know
What it is
That I was

Anymore

The Penguin Room

"The thing about the room is--"
"Don't start."
"I'm just--"
"Don't start with me about the room."
"It's an entire room--"
"Don't stah-art."
"--filled with penguins."
"I love penguins."
"He loves them."
"Do you hear the disdain in his voice?  As if there aren't worse things to love.  Crack.  Cholesterol.  Coldplay."
"I love Coldplay."
"And do I criticize you?"
"Well, yes, you just did."
"What has Coldplay done for the world that penguins haven't?"
"I don't have an entire room in my apartment dedicated to Coldplay."
"God, what a bleak room that would be."
"We only have a two-bedroom apartment."
"Oh, here he goes--"
"And one of the bedrooms--"
"It's a tiny room.  I don't know how you'd fit a bed in it."
"--has been given over to penguins."
"It's practically a closet.  A closet with a window."
"Two windows."
"It's a nook, if anything."
"A penguin nook."
"It's a perfectly reasonable way of decorating a space."
"There is an entire wall dedicated to penguin shot glasses."
"They're whimsical."
"One of them has a seal eating a penguin."
"They're confrontational."
"We're not allowed to drink out of them."
"They're priceless."
"There's also the penguin chandelier."
"Nancy Reagan had one in the white house."
"No, she didn't."
"The certificate it comes with says she did."
"The certificate also calls the owner a 'Certified Penguin Poomba."
"I also have that on a badge."
"Then there are the stuffed animals..."
"A few stuffed animals--"
"Forty-seven penguins."
"Forty-five."
"Forty-seven."
"You can't count the triplets.  They're stuck together."
"The penguin music boxes--"
"One plays 'Black and White' by Michael Jackson.  It's a little literal for me, but I appreciate the thought."
"The penguin snow globes--"
"Well, that's just a necessity.  What else would you put in a snow globe?"
"Anything.  You can put anything in a snow globe."
"I'm sorry, but a penguin-less snow globe is just tacky."
"Whereas a snow globe with a penguin in it is a work of art."
"That's really all that's in the room."
"And?"
"And one or two other things."
"And?"
"Maybe one specific notable thing."
"And?"
"And...it's..."
"It's fortune-telling penguin machine."
"Like from the movie Big, except instead of a scary old woman, it's a penguin...and it tells your future."
"It's probably the most hideous thing that's ever been made in the history of the world."
"It's kitschy."
"It's also morbid."
"It's tongue-in-cheek."
"It told my sister she was going to die an old maid."
"It's eerily accurate."
"I would like the room back."
"Not gonna happen."
"We could use it as an office."
"Boring."
"A library."
"Pretentious."
"A home gym."
"Cliched."
"Or we could just leave it the way it is."
"I think someone's secretly fallen in love with the penguins."
"They haunt my dreams."
"That's how you know it's love."

It Happened Once

It happened once

Only once

I mean, at one time
It only happened for this particular
Period of time
And it was...

You know, it was a little like--

Going over a waterfall
I just couldn't stop myself
I just couldn't--

I thought I was past the age
Where something like that
Could happen

I thought that I'd reach a certain age
And certain temptations
Would just go away

And so it snuck up on me
It did, it did
And I'm sorry

But it was so long ago now that--

I feel like I'm--

Like I'm apologizing for something
Somebody else did
Somebody I don't even know anymore

And I didn't have to tell you about it
I could have kept it to myself
I could have just let it go on and on

If you hadn't found out by now
What were the odds
You were ever going to find out?

But, and I know this isn't the right reason I should--

I didn't think you'd be mad
I really didn't
Because of what happened with you and--

And that was one time
And this was one time
And in the timespan
Of a long, long marriage
Two errors, two mistakes
Two periods of confusion
And uncertainty
Are not that bad, right?

I mean, think of the people we know
Who have always had it bad
Who make mistakes everyday
Who stopped loving each other years ago
And stay together now for who knows why

We're not those people
We're not constantly screwing each other up

We made mistakes
I made a mistake
Yes, we're talking about my mistake

But it's over
It's all over

And it was once

It only happened once

I know that it never happens to some people
I know that, but...

But we're not those people either

We're lucky but we're not perfect
I'm not perfect

You understand that, right?

You can get past a one-time thing, right?

You get all this, right?

Right?

...Right?

And Down the Falls

A man goes down the Falls
And not in a barrel

He experiences water
He experiences weightlessness
He experiences the kind of fear
That becomes peace

He attempts to enjoy
The sensation of falling
But wonders if the fall will kill him
Or if the drowning will do it

He would not mind
Death by falling
As it seems poetic

But death by drowning
Is known to be unpleasant
And so he tries to concentrate
On hitting the surface of the water
Particularly hard
So as to end things then and there

On the way down
He has more time than he would have thought
To think about his life

But funnily enough
He can't seem to focus
On any one moment
Or event

Even his name
Seems to float away from him
With the intensity of the water
And the tenderness of the wet air

The spray on his face feels good
And how about that, he thinks

Who would have thought
That death could be so refreshing

He can't imagine that having a barrel
Would help his chances at all

Going down the Falls
Is like staring down a lion

Going down in a barrel
Would be like staring down a lion
With a handkerchief in front of your face
Convinced it will shield
Whatever is about to happen

When he reaches the bottom
He's not sure it is the bottom

They don't show you photos
Of the bottom
Of the Falls

Maybe they're afraid
It will take away
From the majesty
Of the crest

To see something so serene
With so much chaos
Being heaped onto it

Does he survive?

He feels like he wants to address you

He feels like he should call you 'Dear Reader'

Because you are a Dear

Do I survive the Falls, he asks himself
Knowing you're asking the same thing

And the answer is not an answer
But the non-answer is--

What would I do
If I did?

A Bird in My Sky

Someone put a bird in my sky
And it ruined the sky
For a period of time

I was trying to paint the sky
And the sky dried up
For a short amount of time

Some of it fell
And some of it rained
And some of it simply disappeared

But the bird still flew
Through whatever was there
Not caring that it was ruining
My signature portrait

Because in my mind
I saw the sky
But I didn't see
A bird

In my  mind
The sky was clear

So when it rained
I had to wait
And once it was done
The night arrived
And then I went to bed

And when I woke up
The sky wasn't quite
What I remembered it to be

And every time
I'd get my mind
Around what I was seeing

A bird would fly by
And unsatisfy
The image out of being

Now, this isn't a poem
About art
Or artists
Or vision
Or inspiration
Or muses
Or sight

This is simply a poem
About a bird
Destroying a work of art
With little regard
For what that could mean

Because a perfect sky
Is an awful thing to ruin
Simply because you feel
The urge to fly

I suppose I could have just
Painted the bird
But that wasn't what I saw

At least
Not in my head

And I don't plan to start
Simply painting
What I see with my eyes

What's so original
About that?

Camping with Mad-Libs

Everybody at the mad-libs office
Decided to go camping
As part of our annual company retreat

Last year we all went to [A Famous Prison]
And got our photo taken with [A Character from 'Alice in Wonderland']
But we decided that this year
We wanted to get in touch with nature
Just like [Someone Who's Played James Bond]

As soon as we got to the campsite
Winnie and Mark got down to business

First, they put up the [Sexual Organ]
Then they got to work on [Euphemism for 'Making Love']
And after two hours they finally managed to [Way of Cooking a Chicken] their [Clothing Item]

It was pretty impressive

Everybody in the office
Had a great time
Being outdoors

We went swimming in the [Type of Nut]
Then hiking on the [What rhymes with 'Fee-But']
And riding horses all over the [Just say 'Peanut']

At one point, during the night
I was awoken by what sounded like [A Pop Singer] giving birth to [A Suffragette]
And of course I [Type of Dance]
Right out of the tent

What I saw made me yell--[A Line from 'Star Wars']
And then I yelled--[A Line from 'Clueless']
And because I couldn't stop yelling I yelled--[A Line from the Lifetime Movie 'She Said No!'...or you can just say 'She Said No!']

It turned out Mark was just showing off
Wrestling with a stuffed [Endangered Species]

But then the [Endangered Species]
Ate Mark

[Say 'He Deserved It']

Hahaha just kidding

Overall, the trip was a huge success
And we think next year
We might go to [City Outside of Providence]

But that's only if we get really brave!

To Be Prepared

"Sir, we're calling about your insurance--"
"Yes?"
"You don't have any."
"Correct."
"You have to have insurance."
"Well, I have life insurance."
"We're talking about car insurance, sir."
"Oh right--that I don't have."
"Why not?"
"I don't need it."
"Sir, everyone needs car insurance."
"Wouldn't only people who get into accidents need car insurance?"
"Well--"
"In other words, bad drivers."
"Not necessarily, sir.  If someone were to hit you--"
"Then their insurance covers it, right?"
"Well--"
"So I'm set."
"Well, that person might not have insurance."
"Then they'd be in big trouble, wouldn't they?"
"But that person could be you, sir."
"No, it wouldn't.  I'm an excellent driver."
"Sir, that's not the point?"
"Shouldn't it be the point?"
"Sir, nobody is a perfect driver."
"I wouldn't say 'perfect,' but luckily you don't need to be perfect to avoid an accident."
"What if you were to skid on an icy road?"
"I avoid driving during the winter."
"What if a child ran in front of you and to avoid them you swerved and hit a pole?"
"I believe I'd be dead."
"You might not be."
"Well, then I'd have saved a small child.  I'm sure whatever damage to my car would be well worth that."
"What if--"
"Are you saying I shouldn't try to avoid hitting the child?"
"Of course not."
"Then I'm confused."
"Sir, it's a law.  You have to have insurance."
"You mean buy insurance."
"Well--"
"That's like making a law that says I have to buy bacon."
"Sir--"
"I'd like that law better.  I'm a big fan of bacon."
"Sir, it's to protect you."
"Protect me?"
"Your...health."
"I see."
"So--"
"Is there a law against cigarettes?"
"No."
"Alcohol?"
"No."
"Fatty foods?"
"Sir--"
"And yet--"
"Sir, if you were to hit someone--"
"I--"
"Humor me:  If you were to hit someone--"
"Then I would take care of that.  Of whatever money would be--"
"Sir, repairing vehicles can be very expensive, and that's not even considering bodily harm."
"I'm very rich.  I could afford it."
"Why not just afford insurance instead?"
"I believe the word is 'principle.'"
"Sir, it's illegal."
"So is speeding, but everyone does it."
"No, sir, everyone--"
"Do you?"
"What?"
"Do you speed?"
"No."
"Never?"
"Sir, this call is recorded."
"So you do speed?"
"No, I don't speed."
"Do you smoke?"
"Sir--"
"Do you drink?"
"I smell alcohol."
"Sir, you can't smell that over the phone."
"I was referring to my breath.  I can smell alcohol on my breath.  I've been drinking."
"Sir, I wouldn't drive."
"I can't drive."
"Of course not, you've been drinking."
"No, I can't drive, because I sold my car."
"You--what?"
"I sold my car.  I don't plan on driving anymore.  I moved to the city.  I use mass transit."
"Sir, why didn't you just say that at the beginning of the call?"
"Do you work for the insurance company?"
"Yes."
"There's your answer.  Have a great day."

How Many Planes?

How many planes
Do you have to get on
And get off
Until you're somewhere
You wanna be?

How many places
Do you have to see
Until you're convinced
That you are
Where you should be?

How many bags
Do you have to check?

How many suitcases
Do you have to pack
And unpack
Until you're satisfied
That you're happy
And that you're not
Going back?

How many hotels
Or friends' couches
Do you have to wake up on?

How many times
Do you have to ask yourself
'Where am I?'
'Where am I now?'

How many books have you read
And not really paid attention to
Because you were too busy wondering
When you'd arrive
What you'd do
When you got there
And when you'd have stayed
A respectable amount of time
When you could leave again

And again
And again...

How many times
Do you have to say good-bye
Until you don't feel it anymore?

Until it becomes just another word
To toss out
To toss away
To toss through the window of a plane
Just to watch it fall

How many people
In so many places
Can you hurt
Without it coming back to hurt you?

And when will you stop?

Do you know that one day
You'll be too tired
To even board a plane?

And then what?  --I wonder

Then what?

A train?
A car?
A bike?

What would you like
To ride on then?

And will anything go fast enough
I wonder

To take you away
From whatever it is
You're afraid of?

Can anything possibly
Go fast enough

To leave whatever that is
Behind?

We're Always Dead on Mondays

"This isn't good."
"What isn't?"
"We're dead."
"We're always dead on Mondays."
"Mondays aren't the only days."
"Relax, we were packed last Friday."
"Not Saturday."
"It snowed!"
"You can't get by like that.  Being busy one day a week?  Do the math.  It's no good."
"It's the same way everywhere.  You act like we're in the middle of Manhattan.  This is a small state.  People don't go out during the week."
"Yeah, they do.  They just don't go here."
"Well, where do they go then?"
"Nice places downtown.  Not chain restaurants in the middle of the suburbs."
"Who can afford to go to nice places?"
"Rich people."
"On a Monday?  Not even rich people can afford to go out to eat on a Monday.  Nobody's that rich.  Not anymore."
"I'm telling you; they do.  Especially when it's nice out like tonight."
"When it's nice out, people do other stuff.  They don't want to sit in some restaurant eating cheesy fries."
"You have an excuse for everything, you know that?  They don't come because it's bad out.  They don't come because they don't have money.  They don't come because it's nice out.  They don't come because it's a Monday.  They're not coming because they're not coming.  That's why they're not coming."
"So what are you saying?"
"I'm not sure how much longer corporate is going to want to keep us open."
"What?"
"We're not making money.  What choice are they going to have?"
"They talked to you about this."
"No."
"Well then--"
"They don't talk to you about it.  One day they call and you're shut down.  That's it."
"But we won that award.  It's on the--"
"Customer service.  The customers we get, we service well.  But we don't get that many.  Quantity trumps quality."
"Quantity trumps quality?  Are you kidding me?"
"The only other business near us is a fabric store.  We're drowning."
"So what do we do?"
"We can't do anything.  Things run their course.  Businesses are no different."
"What about McDonald's?  McDonald's hasn't run its course."
"It will--one day.  Everything will."
"Pinkberry won't.  That stuff is addictive."
"It's just ice cream.  There will always be new ice cream."
"Maybe we should go that route.  Have like--a sundae bar, or something."
"It won't matter.  It's like--it's like chemistry.  Either you have it or you don't, and we just...we just don't have it."
"So that's it?"
"We just wait for the call."
"And until...?"
"Clean the tables.  Change the salt and pepper shakers.  Have a drink at the bar.  Relax.  At this point, it's inevitable."
"So we just--"
"We just wait."
"Maybe tomorrow will be busier."
"Yeah...maybe it will."

Things We Shouldn't Talk About

"How bad was it, Mom?"
"It was...bad.  It was pretty bad."
"Did you show it to anyone?"
"No, god no."
"Do you think--"
"I just...got rid of it."
"You just threw it away?"
"No, I...I mean, someone could find it--"
"That's what I mean."
"--So I just...I ripped it all out.  All the wires and things.  And I burned them."
"You burned his computer?"
"What else could I do?"
"Still, Mom--"
"It was bad.  It was..."
"Okay, okay.  I just...fuck."
"Richard."
"Sorry.  I...So...what now?"
"What do you mean?"
"What do we do now?"
"I'll talk to him."
"Oh...kay."
"What?"
"What else?"
"I'll...see if I can...find a doctor or something.  A therapist."
"A therapist?  You're going to send him to therapy?"
"Well, Richard, he needs help."
"No, I know.  Clearly, he needs help, but--that just seems--kind of...minor.  I mean, for what this is."
"I should have sent him to therapy after your father left anyway.  That's probably where a lot of this stems from."
"Mom, this doesn't stem from divorce.  I'm, you know, I don't..."
"I know."
"And neither do a lot of other people whose parents got divorced, so--"
"I'm just saying, he could have used some help.  Clearly."
"Yeah, clearly."
"So, we'll get him help."
"But, don't you think, I mean--"
"What?"
"Don't you think we should tell someone?"
"We are going to tell someone.  A doctor."
"But I mean, like, someone official.  Like--"
"Like what?"
"Like a policeman, or something?"
"Oh my God, why would we do that?"
"Because, Mom, he might have--I mean, what if he hurt someone?"
"Richard, he's fourteen-years-old."
"Mom, he still could have--"
"Could have what?  He had some stuff on his computer.  So--"
"Stuff?  Are you kidding me?"
"Richard--"
"Are you kidding me?  Stuff?  Mom, you said--"
"I know what I said."
"--You said it was--"
"I know what I said, Richard."
"--You--"
"I KNOW WHAT I FUCKING SAID, RICHARD, ALL RIGHT?"

. . . . .

"I saw it, Richard.  You didn't.  I know what I saw.  Okay?"
"Okay."
"So we can just...for the moment, can we just--?"
"What?  Drop it?  Is that what you're asking me to do?"
"No."
"Drop it?"
"No.  I just--we talked about it.  I'm going to talk to him.  We're going to get him help.  We talked about it.  We came up with a solution."
"Mom, there is no solution here.  There's no solution to a problem like this.  It's not like he has this thing that can just be cured, you know?  He's fucked up."
"Richard--"
"Mom, he is.  Okay?  He is.  And you know that.  If he wasn't your son--"
"But he IS my son, okay?  That's what you need to remember.  He is my son, and he's your brother, and you need to remember that."
"I know that, but it doesn't change--"
"Richard, I'm tired, okay?  I'm tired of this.  I had a long day.  Burning a computer up isn't easy."
"Are you cracking jokes?"
"Richard, what do you want me to say?"
"He could have hurt someone, okay?  He could have already done that.  And if he did, we need to know about it."
"So I'll ask him."
"You'll ask him?  You'll ask him if he's hurt someone?"
"He doesn't lie to me."
"Mom!"
"He doesn't lie to me!"
"Oh my God."
"What?"
"The Gelle kid.  The one who went missing."
"What about him?"
"They lived two houses down."
"Richard, please, that was four years ago."
"They never found him."
"Richard, your brother would have been ten.  He had nothing to do with that."
"Mom--"
"The Gelle kid was thirteen-years-old.  Three years older than your brother.  And he was twice his size.  Your brother had nothing to do with that."
"You don't know that!"
"I know my son!"
"NO, YOU DON'T!  I'm sorry, but clearly, you don't.  Maybe today you do, but yesterday, you did not.  And even now you're--you're--"
"I'm what?"
"Denial, in this case, is understandable.  It's--"
"I'm not in denial."
"Mom--"
"But what am I--"
"Mom--"
"What--"
"Just--"
"What am I supposed to do?"
"Go to the police.  Get him fingerprinted.  Find out if he's done anything that could--"
"Listen to you!  This is your brother we're talking about!"
"People could be dead, Mom.  Kids.  Kids could be dead, or--"
"Not my kid."
"I'm sorry?"
"Your brother is my kid.  And you, you're my kid.  That's all I was given to worry about in this life.  That's it.  Just you and your brother.  You can't ask me to worry about everybody else's kid."
"Are you hearing yourself right now?"
"What about Scott?"
"What about Scott?"
"Wouldn't you do anything to protect him?"
"He's a two-year-old!  He's an innocent child!"
"And so was your brother once."
"Yeah, but not--"
"I have to do what I have to do--as his mother.  You don't get that.  I know you're a father, but being a mother is different.  It's not something you could ever understand."
"I'll tell you what I can understand.  I'm not bringing your grandson into this house anymore with him here."
"Don't talk like that."
"I'm serious.  It's dangerous."
"It's not danger--"
"Mom, he's a ticking time bomb.  Okay?  That's what we have here.  A bomb--ready to go off.  And you're not going to do anything about it?"
"If you're asking me if I'm going to turn him into the police, and have them try to use him to solve every missing child case from the last five years on him, then no, I'm not going to do that."
"You're as bad as he is."
"Don't you dare say that to me!"
"For a second there, I didn't you'd appreciate the weight of the insult."
"I appreciate what we're dealing with here, Richard, but I can't just abandon my son."
"Nobody's asking you to abandon him.  But you're right when you say he's our family.  He's our responsibility too.  That means we have to take responsibility for him and who he is and whatever it is that he's done, which might be, you know, nothing, and--"
"It's not nothing."
"What?"
"I don't...There were things...on the computer.  Things I didn't tell you about."
"What kind of things?"
"I'm tired, Richard."
"Mom, what kinds of things?"
"Things we shouldn't talk about.  But I'll talk to Michael about them."
"Mom--?"
"Then I'll talk to a doctor.  And then..."
"....."
"...I'll talk to the police."
"Mom, what was on the computer?"
"I don't want you to know, Richard.  You're my son too.  You're supposed to--I'm supposed to protect you from things."
"Mom, I'm a dad.  I have a son I--"
"I know."
"I need to--"
"That's why I can't tell you.  You shouldn't know, Richard.  I don't want you to hate your brother."
"What was on the computer, Mom?"
"I can't tell you, Richard.  I can't ever tell you."

"Mom...?"

"There are things I just can't ever let you know."

My Good Deed

Yes, I'm watching her now
The little girl who just ran through here?

She's in my care
Staying at my house
Another bird under the wing
As they say

Well, some people say that
I say that anyway

Her mother is a heroin addict
And a complete mess


The second part may sound redundant
But my brother is addicted to heroin
And he manages to keep it under control
But not Maya's mother
She's just falling apart

So of course I had to come in
And rescue poor Maya

I mean, what other choice did I have?

As a good Christian woman
It would have been shirking my duty
To let that poor innocent child
Stay in that home
With her whoring mother
And all the men going in and out of--

Well, I assume she was whoring
I mean, she doesn't work
How else would she be paying for the drugs?

Look, I don't have time to argue semantics
About whether or not some poor little girl's mother
Is a professional whore
Or a recreational one
I'm a little too busy
With actually raising the child
Something I doubt you have any experience in

Oh, I'm aware that you have children
I'm just saying I'm not entirely sure I would call what you did
'Raising' them

Not to mention, they were probably much easier to deal with
Than Maya is

She's practically an animal at this point

Jesus himself would thrown his hands up
And jumped in the nearest river
If he had to deal with her for a day
But luckily for me
I'm made of sterner stuff than that

The plan isn't to adopt her permanently, of course
I'm a little too old to be raising a child
Especially one as unbearable as this one
And besides, who knows what she'll grow up to be like

What with all the trauma she's experienced

Children are very sensitive, you know
Anything around them
Just gets sucked right into their psyches

So obviously
Maya is probably damaged beyond repair

I tell her that all the time

I say, 'Maya, I know you're the child of an addict
And you're probably not even sure who your father is
Btu that doesn't mean you can't rise above
Your current condition'

Of course, she's only six
So some of that doesn't make sense to her
But again, the mind is a sponge
Some of it is bound to sink in

Well, we have to be off
Time for church

I have to see if I can squeeze a little
Christian goodness
Into that awful lost soul of hers

You know what they say about good deeds, don't you?

Well, believe me

They're right

This Downward Dance

And then there was this downward dance
That we did until we found ourselves
Face down on the ground
Laughing at jokes
We couldn't remember

But we so enjoyed
This ridiculous music
The off-key melody
The wrong pitch
The bad timing

We held hands
Palm to sweaty palm
Nervous about stepping on toes
Nervous about counting wrong
Nervous about leading when we weren't supposed to lead
Nervous about all sorts of things
We weren't supposed
To be nervous about
And yet the ground shook
From being underneath
Our shaking bodies

We try to help each other
By whispering the steps
To each other

But the music eats up our whispers
And so all that's left to do
Is to let out a gentle scream

Inferences are made
Based on the way someone holds you
When they dance with you

About the way
Someone responds to music

In the way
Eye contact is made

But we were too busy
To infer anything

We were preoccupied
With our downward dance

Our slow clumsy stumble
Towards a perfect circle
Of grace and poise

And at one point we reached it
The zenith of class

A lovely 1-2-3
Followed by this and that

We were so proud of ourselves
We didn't even hear the bells chime
Meaning the clock had struck twelve
Meaning we were released

From our noble activity

And when we stopped
When we finally stopped

Long after the music had done

We looked around
And saw nothing
But an empty ballroom
And a stage
Where the band used to be

And that was when we laughed

Because we were alone

Because it finally felt safe
To enjoy
What had been done

When Dork Became a Sexy Word

Sweetie, you'll never believe this
But there will come a day
Trust me on this--

When dork becomes a sexy word

Right now, you want that mysterious
Cool, hard-to-name something

When you're young
Everything without a name
Is attractive

When you get older
You get tired
You find it tiresome
To have to constantly search
For a thing's name

You want people to wear who they are
Like a name tag on their shirt

You begin to appreciate simplicity
You begin to appreciate a lot of things

I know right now
You look at your father
And me
And you think we're just
The least cool people in the world
But what you don't know
Is that I thought the same thing about my mother
And now--

And if you tell her this
I'll kill you

She seems like
The coolest person
In the world

And my Dad
Was a giant dork
Model trains in the basement
And everything

And I swore
I would never marry anybody
As lame as he was

When I got older
After dating every degenerate
And paroled felon
In the tri-state area
I realized that there's something to be said
For a man who enjoys the precision of model trains
And who spends his nights at home
With his family

That's not the coolest thing in the world
But it makes for a good marriage
And a good man

And an ungrateful child
Who, luckily
Smartened up just in time

One day you'll smarten up too
But until then--

And don't tell anyone
I ever told you this
Because I'll deny it
And disown you as well

Until you get smart
Enjoy being dumb

The dorks will be waiting
When you're ready for them

Everything's War

They say I can say it now
I can talk all about it
Say it's safe
To talk about
What we done
What I done
What's been done

Safe now
Fine now
Go ahead and tell

What's next, huh?
No more war?

See, that'd be too bad
Because I like war
Because I'm used to war
Because I've had war
All my life

Ain't nothing new to me
I could fight
I do fight
I plan on fighting
Until I die

Not like Ben
Ben didn't plan on dying
Ben didn't like fighting
Ben just did what his dad told him

His dad told him to fight
So he fought
And then he met me
And he said 'Dad, I got a friend'
And his dad said 'You got more than a friend.  You got a brother.  That's your brother now.'
And that fucked Ben up
Because he didn't think of me like a brother
But he didn't tell that to anyone

Except I knew anyway

And one night
I told him
I didn't tell him nothing dirty
I didn't talk to him like that
I just told him it was okay

It was okay to think what he wanted

That nobody can have rules about thinking
Not even the army

That's the thing about America
We're supposed to think what we want

So Ben started thinking
And he thought, You know what?  I'm in love.  How about that?
And he told his dad
Because he loved his dad

And he couldn't lie to him
Any more than I could lie to God
And his dad said--

You might as well be dead now
You might as well blow your fucking brains out
For as much as I care about you right now

So that's what he did

And I found him

And that was it

That was years ago

Long, long time

And now they tell me it's okay

Now they tell me
It's fine

Talk all you want
Feel all you want
Think all you want

All cool now

But I say 'Fuck that'

I say 'Fuck that' because same way you can't make a law
That says you can't think something
You can't make a law
That says people have to accept you

People don't have to do shit
They don't want to do

Now they're standing around a rabbit hole
With a gun
Telling me

Come on out, come on out

I'd rather put the gun under my chin
Like Benny did

At least then I wouldn't die like a fool

You trying to tell me it's over?

It's never over

The fight's never over

It's always just starting

And that's fine by me

That's what I signed up for, right?

War

I can fight a war

I can fight a war forever

I got no choice?

'Cause see, when you're someone like me

Everything's war

This Came From the Psychic

The psychic said I should leave you, Ronald
She looked right at me
And said 'You should leave your husband'

She didn't even have to consult a ball or anything
To be honest with you, I didn't even see a ball
That's how you know she's good

The fakes use cards
And crystal balls
And burnt tea leaves
But the real psychics don't need it

This woman was a pro, Ronald
And she said she doesn't think we're going to make it

Don't feel bad
She told me to stop talking to my mother too
And my boss

I said--Don't be ridiculous
I love my boss!

But she insisted

So now I have to figure out
How to work with Todd
Without talking to him

I mean, it helps that he's deaf
I suppose I can just move my lips at him
But still, it feels so dishonest

You, on the other hand
I can NOT move my lips at

You simply have to go

She told me not to make a big deal out of it
Just pack all your things into boxes
And then burn the boxes
So that's what I did

Oh, except that your Mickey Mouse tie
I love that tie
I couldn't burn that

But everything else went up in flames

Oh, and she told me to slap you
She said you'd know why
I can slap your arm if you like
That might not hurt as much

I want to be fair about this, Ronald

I know this may all come as a shock to you
But certain things are destined to be

The psychic told me
The only way I'm going to win the Nobel Prize
And become an ambassador to Equador
Is if I shuck you off of me
Like the barnacle that you are

(She called you a barnacle, not me
As you can probably tell
She was very direct--and a little insensitive)

She also said I should quit smoking

But you know

You can't put too much stock
In what those people say

Dreaming is for Windows

She'll have soup when she gets home
But she'll dream of escargot

She dreams about it now
While the blue dark comes down from the sky
And slowly pinches
Each of the city lights

She presses her face
Up against the thick, cool office window glass
And she feels grateful, at least
That she can see a bridge
From where she sits

The best sort of views
Always includes
A bridge

She looks at buildings taller than hers

(There are more than a few)

And she goes up floor-by-floor
Using the windows
To tell herself stories

'The man from Accounting is thinking about the woman
From Personnel
Who eats lunch with the girl from Marketing
Who is secretly seeing a VP
Who...'

In reality, she could be looking at yoga studios
And the headquarters
Of an organic beet juice company

But she tells herself
That what's she seeing
Is not so unlike
What she experiences every day

An office sort of life
Surrounded by windows
Looking out onto a city
She gets to see very little of
From the ground

Sometimes she swears that smells
Are making their way
Through the sturdy office glass
And into her cubicle

Italian food
Hot dog carts
Fresh bread
Roasted almonds
Or are they called toasted almonds?

Some days
Before she leaves at five
She swears she can see
People dancing on the street

Hanging on to lampposts
Like Gene Kelly
Waiting for rain

She presses her hand up against the glass
And though she feels tired

Today, she thinks
She'll stay out a little bit

Walk up and down a few of those streets

Maybe grab a hot dog
Maybe grab some escargot

And she'll see if she can find one of the spots
That she looks down on
From her office window

And when she does
She'll look up and wave

At whomever
Might be there

A Man of the Present

So I sat at the corner
At past and future
Tempted to see
What might be
On either side

In the past I could see lit-up windows
Right above fire escapes
With silhouettes of ex-girlfriends
Waving to me
Waiting to see
If I'd want to walk
Down Memory Lane

'I'm too tame for you now,' I want to tell them
But instead I suspend two feet
Above a park bench
Marveling at the glucose-nature
Of time and time's passing

On the other side of me
Things are shadowless
And yet, somehow
More ominous

People come by and question me
But I can't see an inch in front of my face
So I replace my answers
With more questions
And somehow through this quagmire-y method
We find our answers

There is no night
There is no day
There is nothing indicating
Specific instances
Of time or place

There is a moment
That surrounds me
Like an off-green and off-blue bubble
A dome, a force field
And I know I can stay here
If I'd like to
I can remain here
Until I feel compelled to move
A compulsion I don't think would come upon me
Anytime soon

Right now
I am a man of the present

Stronger than a man
With a yearbook in his hand
And gravestones in his eyes
Determined to keep alive
The five things he can remember
About yesterday

Or a man with so many plans
They fall out of his hands
While he begs others to understand
That at some point his forward motion
Will transition into a destination

I choose not to be
Either of these men

I chose to be a fig tree
Or a diamond cement square
Something kids can hopscotch over

I elect to be eternity
Rather than what was or could be
And I do this simply
By remaining in the present

All the Ones I Couldn't Save

'Cause some were loud
And some were wrong
And some had things
They didn't want to
Weren't ready to
Didn't feel like
Getting rid of
So I stuck
I stuck to them
And they teared and tore
To try and get away from me

Water pouring out of their mouths
The sight draining from their eyes
And all the while
Rocking back and forth
Asking for my help
Asking me to leave 'em alone
Asking for wisdom
Asking for one more
One more thing
To make 'em feel good again

I used to scream so loud
I'd tear my vocal cords out
Until finally I realized
I couldn't be as loud as them
Or what was inside them
I couldn't make that much noise

All the ones I couldn't save
I keep mementos of
In boxes
Underneath my bed

Things that hold the memories
When I can't hold them
Anymore

A music box
A piece of scrap metal
A poorly drawn picture
A love note
A half-burnt photograph
Anything that means anything

Gets saved

In place of the people
Who couldn't be

Sometimes I say their names
In order--and what they had

What they had
Attached to them

I do this while I'm washing dishes
And it becomes an invocation

It's like I'm bringing them back
So I can apologize to them
For failing at the simplest thing

'Cause loving somebody enough
Should be the easiest thing in the world

And yet I found it to be
So hard

I found it to be
Too hard
Too many
Times

Here at St. Melena's

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Standing in the Doorway

I'm just standing the doorway
Waiting for you to make a mistake

Take a guess
Give me some indication
That you know
You fucked up

Oh, maybe you haven't fucked up yet
But you will

We both know you will
Don't we?

That's the thing about you

You should just wake up everyday
And apologize
For all the shit you're going to do
That day

It would save you
A whole lot of time

But that's not why I'm standing in the doorway
I'm not trying to avoid you

I'm not trying
To keep away
From your potential mistakes

Actually, I like them

They help me keep
An upper hand

I could never date a saint
I'd be too...self-conscious

Your mess is always comforting to me

The only time you're not making one
Is when you're asleep

And even then
I can see your body twitch
And squirm
Wanting to wake up
And cause more trouble

Sometimes I get in bed with you
And put my arms around you
To see if I can calm you down

But you thrash
And kick
And I've still got a scar
From when you scratched me
Because I tried to hold you
Too tight

So now I just keep a little distance
And watch

From the safe distance
Of a doorway

Then you wake up
And say--'Come here, come here'

It's not that I don't want to, babe
But I have to stop myself

I have to keep standing in the doorway
Waiting for you to make a mistake

So I know
When to walk away

Pressure

The pressure was too much
That's what he did for me
First of all

He removed the pressure

Like, when somebody has a head injury
And they have to drain the fluid to--

Yeah, you get it
The pressure

Anyway, he did that
Because there was always this...

They send me off--

My parents, I mean
They send me off
To this really nice school
And I'm supposed to--

You know, become the dream
Not just achieve the dream
But become it

Achieve success nirvana

And I was kind of doing it
I mean, I wasn't even close
But I was on a path at least
I was on some kind of path
And then I met Chris
And it was like--

He was the first person
To ever tell me
To stop, you know?

To just stop?

And at first I resisted him
And then I was like--

Okay, you know what?

I'm doing it
I'm going to stop

Just for a little while, you know?
Just a little vacation
Because, you know
I'd never had a vacation
Never, not really
I used to go on vacations
And bring my textbooks
And sit by a pool
Writing essays
And everybody was so proud
My family

They were so thrilled
That I was incapable
Of relaxation
They used to always almost-applaud me
Like being stressed out
Was some kind of magic trick
That I had mastered

So I meet him
And he says stop
And I stop
And...

I get pregnant

And she's...

When she's born she's...

Because he was on stuff, you know
And then, after awhile
So was I

And I know to stop when you're--

But I didn't know I was--

Not until it--

I stopped too late

And so she was born
Addicted to all the shit
We were addicted to

And I had to go back home with her
And tell my parents
That the dream was dead

That it was fucking dead

It would not be had
It would not be achieved
It would not be realized
By me

Or by my daughter
Because she was...

And they asked--

Why did you do it?

Why did you throw it all away?

And I wanted to say
And I didn't
But I wanted to say--

I threw it away
Because it was too much

Because it was too much

To carry

When Your Ears Get Hairy

Well, the good news is they're not hairy yet
My ears are still pretty smooth
So you don't have to push me off the roof tonight
But you know the deal

When the ears get hairy
It's time to go

There are many ways to determine
When you've outlived your usefulness

But I agree with my father
He said it's when your ears get hairy

As soon as my father saw hair on his ears
He took a boat onto Lake Pueblo Norova
Shot a hole in it
And went down with the ship, so to speak

I still remember him
Saluting me from the shore
While he sank down into the water
Like he was on some kinda
Weird lake elevator

I remember thinking--

I should play TAPS
But I didn't have a trumpet
And when I thought about humming it
I realized I didn't know the tune

So instead I just watched him
Admiring his spirit
That old stubborn bastard

My brother found hair on his ears
And walked into the fog

I'm not sure that he's dead
But he hasn't answered his phone in three years
So as far as I'm concerned
He might as well be

My uncle saw hair on his ear
And drove his car off a cliff

Turned out it was just lint
That's why you really have to be sure
About stuff like that
Before you go driving off cliffs

Never hurts to double check

But if you do spot a hair
You have to act fast

Once you find hair on your ears
Then you notice your toes are turning green
And next thing you know you can't do the word jumble
In the morning paper

I'm not going out like that
I'm dying with dignity

That's why I need you to push me off me the roof

And don't push me towards anything soft

I don't want to just break my leg or something
I want to go--BAM!

Just like that

But so far, no hair

So far, I'm still young

Just luck I guess

Lord knows it doesn't run in the family

When We Put You Here

When we put you here
They didn't have names
The way they do now

Asperger's
Down syndrome
Austism
High-functioning autism
High-functioning--anything, really

None of that
They didn't have any of it
It was just...

You were just...

In need of care
Or you weren't

Healthy, I mean, you were--

That

Or, you weren't

And you weren't healthy
You never were
It wasn't your fault, of course
You were born early
But nevertheless, you had...trouble

And so we brought you here
And they told us
That you had to be kept here
That it's what was best for you
And so we...

You didn't challenge doctors back then

The way they challenge doctors now

If a doctor told you
Your child was sick
You brought her to a hospital
And you left here there
Until she got better

And if she didn't get better then...

Then you just wanted her to be comfortable
And that's what they said they were doing for you
They told us they were making you comfortable
All these years
Or else why would we have--

Charlotte Temple, from down the street?

Her daughter was born...early, the way you were
And so were her other two

And she kept all her daughters at home
And took care of them
And--

When I told her about bringing you here
She said--

With all this judgment in her voice, she said--

I would never just leave my daughter somewhere like that

Like what?  --I said
But I didn't say
I wanted to, but, you know

I'm polite, so...

I didn't say--Charlotte, you're being unfair to your daughters

And, you know, to yourself
To herself, I mean

To give up her whole life
Trying to help people
Who can never be helped

I mean, I know I'm talking about her children here
But, still, the point is--

She couldn't do anything for them

Just like we could do anything for you

That's why we put you here
Because it seemed...

It was the right thing to do

For you

For all of us

Maybe now it doesn't seem that way
Maybe, in hindsight, it seems cruel
But--

That doctor seemed fine
He didn't seem like the type who would--

Who would do anything to--

What were we supposed to do?

Try raising a retarded child by ourself?

With no help?

I know you probably think
We have all the money in the world
But it can be costly

In more ways than one

Putting you here was the right decision for that time

Maybe it wouldn't be the right decision today
But...

But that's today

Today everything's different

That's the frustrating thing about today

Today everybody judges you
For what you did yesterday

Today the Charlotte Temple's of the world are saints
And people like your father and I are monsters

Today we're wrong
Yesterday we're right

It's all so...

When we put you here
All anybody did
Was tell us
What a good decision we'd made

Now when people find out
They won't even look at us

You won't even look at me

Your own mother, and you won't...

Has any of this made you better?

Any of it?

I need to know if...

It would be nice to know that...

I'm...

Your father and I want you to know
That, if you like
We can set you up
Somewhere

Somewhere nice

Obviously we don't expect you to stay here
After what's been happening all these years
So if you'd like--

Maybe not an apartment
Maybe another hospital
Not like this one
There are nicer ones now
They make them nicer, you know

We'd offer to have you come stay at the house, but--

We've become set in our ways
And I'm just not sure...

But we'll help

We'll help in whatever way we can

We've always wanted to help, you know

That's always been the first thing
On our minds

A Daily Ritual

It's a daily ritual

The shave in the shower
The vacuuming of the rug
The fluffing of the pillows

Daily, routine
With small variations

Did you do this?
--An hour ago
Oh
--I took care of it

Small talk
Chitchat
Back and forth
Agreeable
Amicable
Allowable

Given the circumstances
A shave and a shower
A made bed and an empty laundry basket

The mail's here
--Any for me?
No
--Well, then...
Just thought you should--
--What?
Nothing, never mind
--Good coffee
Yes, it is

Odd to live in a home of routine
Books on the nightstand
That never get read

Recipes tacked to the fridge
With dust over their ingredients
Never to be made

But the bed gets made

You made the bed?
--Yes
You called your mother?  It's her birthday.
--Yes
You hate me, don't you?
--Let's not do this today

Not today
Not to disrupt
The daily ritual

There will be other days
For disruption

Where we will sit
And talk

Amicably, agreeably
Allowing ourselves the opportunity
To say our peace

But not today

Today the car needs to be washed
And the oil needs to be changed

--And you could use a shave
What?
--I said you could use a shave
Oh
--The coffee's good
You said that
--What?
About the coffee.  You said that already.
--No, I didn't.
You didn't?
--Not today.
Oh.
--Maybe yesterday.
Yes.  Probably.  Probably yesterday.

Hard to tell now, you think

Hard to tell
The difference

A Brighter Hell

I'll take this, you know
Because it's a brighter hell

You ever hear that expression?

I'm livin' in a brighter hell?

Well, that's what this is

It's warm, but it's not scorching
I'm not scorched here
I'm not melting
From the inside out

So I'll take it

I'll take it
And I'll like it

Used to live in the city
Where I was dealing with rats
Always rats

Didn't matter where I lived
There were rats

It was like a witch put a curse on me
Or something

And I hate rats
I mean I fuckin' hate rats

So that was a problem

Plus the money
I never had any money

You ever work three jobs
Two of them full-time
And not have any money?

It's an odd way to live

It's like some sort of paradox
Like I'm in a George Orwell book or something

It wasn't for me

So I moved to the country
And it's quiet

And in two days
I'm out of my fucking head

Because one of those days was Friday
And the other one was Saturday

And when you're livin' in a place
Where you say--

'What's there to do around here?'

And the answer is--

'You're already doing it'

Then you start to think

Hey, maybe those rats
Weren't so bad

But it's a nice place for Sundays
I'll tell you that much

The Sundays here are great
That's how you know you're in Hell

Because you start appreciating
The days of rest

And work, of course

There's always work

I miss my Fridays
And I miss my Saturdays
And, when I lived somewhere real good
I used to even have good Thursdays

If you can make your life
Stretch out from Wednesday to Sunday
Then you know you're living
Somewhere good

But it costs, you know

It costs

So for now I choose this
My brighter hell

Here's hoping
It doesn't get
Any hotter
Than this