The Problem with the Throne

Hey, you know
I hate to be like this
I really do
I mean, being the new king and all
I really just want to say I'm happy with everything
And don't go to any trouble on my account
And I'll just the old china
And the old bed
And the old bejeweled scepter
That the old king used

But uh...

The throne?

I think I'm going to need a new throne

Well, first of all
It's just too small

I don't mean, like
For a king

I mean, like
For a human being

How big was the old king?

I mean, I know his name was Edward the Mighty
But that throne is barely two feet off the ground

Is there any chance
He was a leprechaun?

And the color--

I mean, I can't entertain dignitaries
And decide matters of state
While I'm sitting on a pink throne

Oh, well, I'm sure visitors do giggle at it
But, you see, I'm not really going for giggles here

I don't want to be giggled at
It's actually sort of crucial to the kingdom's safety
That I don't inspire giggle fits
In our enemies

And why is there all that drapery
Hanging all over it?

I feel like I'm trapped in a genie's bottle
Whenever I sit on it

All those pillows
And that quilt

I mean, it's just unnecessary

And I don't mind the legs
But do they have to have monkey feet
At the end of them?

I'm sorry
But that is just creepy

That throne looks like a human stomach
With a fabric shop inside of it
And monkey feet

I get ill just looking at it
Let alone sitting on it

I'm sorry
But I really have to insist
That you replace it

I don't know what sort of perverse, effeminate dwarf
You had as king before
But I'm not going to be
That sort of king

So please
Do away with it
And bring me something suitable

Thank you

Now, let me ask you something

Do I have to wear the wig
That's attached to the crown?