I Don't Believe in the Gym

Here's the thing:

I don't believe in the gym

I realize the gym exists
But I think of it like...

Well, the way atheists
Might think of church

I realize it's good for some people
But it's just not for me

Personally, I think the gym
Might, in fact, be a cult

Or the headquarters of a cult

An awful, time-consuming cult
Made up of sweat
And misplaced determination

I don't believe in lots of things
That I'm supposed to

I don't believe in lettuce
It's pointless
It's totally pointless

And some people love it
Some people love lettuce
Just think about that for a second

It's mystifying

Some people love vanilla ice cream too
But at least that has sugar in it

Lettuce is the vanilla ice cream
Of the vegetable family

No matter what you do to it
It's still lettuce

It's still utterly disappointing

I don't believe in protein shakes

Protein should be in steak
And pork chops

Not in shakes

Shakes should be made up of milk
Or fruit or well--

Pretty much anything
That doesn't have protein in it

And as for meat
You know I don't even really like meat

I could probably be a vegetarian
But the thing is
I like seafood
And people who say they're vegetarians
But that they eat fish
And it doesn't count--

That'd be like being a serial killer
And saying--

'No, it's okay!  I only killed old Russian women!  I avoided everybody else'

Like, yes
It's nice that you spared most people
But the old Russian women
Still count

I don't believe in that
In any of that

I believe in Oreos
And nice couches that I can sit on
For hours at a time
And marathons of shows
I'm ashamed to even say the name of

That's what I believe in

And luckily enough
We live in a country
Where I'm allowed to believe
Whatever I like

...Which is probably why we're all fat

Fat and free, however

Fat and free