The Third Lead

Hey Paul, can I talk to you for a second?

Great
Thanks
Thanks so much

Um, first of all, let me just tell you
That I am so glad
The show is doing so well
And I'm so happy
To be a part of it

Truly, I am thrilled

But uh, I just had a question
About the, uh, the show's
Opening credits

Remember, how I used to be
Third in the credits?

After Marana and Ted?

Well, I noticed
That this season
I'm no longer third

Now I'm after Marana and Ted and Colin
So I was just sort of wondering
What
That
Was
About
And
Stuff

I mean, I realize he's sort of the break-out star of the show
And that, ultimately, helps the show
So that's great
But, uh, this is his first show
And the only thing he's ever really done, really
And I've done movies, and two other t.v. shows
One of which was a huge success
And I played Cody the Detective on it
And the only reason I left that show
Was because A) It was cancelled
And B) I was supposed to be the third lead

And now I'm the fourth lead
And there really isn't even such a thing as a fourth lead
So basically, I'm a nothing

So, I was thinking
Maybe you could just bump Colin back to fourth lead
And by fourth lead I mean nothing
Bump him back to nothing, okay?

Great
Thanks
So happy
Grateful

Huh?

Yes, I realize he was nominated for an Emmy
And a Golden Globe
And a SAG Award and--

Okay, I get that a few people like him

But he's not the third lead
I'm the third lead
My lawyers had to argue with your lawyers
For months
So that I could be third lead
And now just because some other guy is more talented than me
He gets bumped up
Just like that?

No

I'm sorry, but no

This is not about talent
This is about business
This is television


We don't just randomly alter our opening credits!

What if they did that in theater?

What if in some production of The Sound of Music
Leisel was better than Maria
So they let Leisel or Elka or whoever the hell
Bow last?

That would be anarchy

Just like this is

Now, I demand you put me back in third place
Where I rightfully belong

Got it?

Thank you

...Unless you want to put me at the end of the opening credits

With the words 'Very Special Guest Star' in front of my name
Because that would be--

Okay, I'm leaving

Go, third place!

I gotta tell you

It feels good to be back