Lesbians

I have a theory
Regarding why
You seem to keep winding up
With lesbians

Now, it's difficult to share this theory
Without making sweeping generalizations
About lesbians
And, in some respects
Women in general

But, because you're my friend
I'm willing to risk
Sounding like a total jerk
If it means it might prevent you
From getting your heart broken again
By a girl who's only dating you
Because you, yourself
Look mildly lesbionic

Again, I didn't say this would be pleasant

For one thing
Start dating women with long hair

It's not that all women with short hair
Are lesbians

It's that certain haircuts
Do seem to appeal more to lesbians
Than to straight women

For example, the haircut that Mia Farrow had
In Rosemary's Baby?

That's pretty much become
A lesbian haircut

You want to try and date a girl
Who has more hair than you do
Just as a rule of thumb

You also want to try avoiding women
Who hate their breasts

I'm not talking about women
Who wish they had smaller breasts
Or bigger breasts

I'm talking about women
Who actively try
To hide their breasts

Those women might not even be lesbians
But you should avoid them anyway

Breasts are wonderful things
You should be with women
Who want to celebrate them

Don't go for girls
Who are bisexual

It may seem hot
But you're playing with fire

And if your girlfriend
Suggests a threeway
Make a run for it

By the way
You're sure you're not gay, right?

Just checking

Again--

Just being a friend