This Came From the Psychic

The psychic said I should leave you, Ronald
She looked right at me
And said 'You should leave your husband'

She didn't even have to consult a ball or anything
To be honest with you, I didn't even see a ball
That's how you know she's good

The fakes use cards
And crystal balls
And burnt tea leaves
But the real psychics don't need it

This woman was a pro, Ronald
And she said she doesn't think we're going to make it

Don't feel bad
She told me to stop talking to my mother too
And my boss

I said--Don't be ridiculous
I love my boss!

But she insisted

So now I have to figure out
How to work with Todd
Without talking to him

I mean, it helps that he's deaf
I suppose I can just move my lips at him
But still, it feels so dishonest

You, on the other hand
I can NOT move my lips at

You simply have to go

She told me not to make a big deal out of it
Just pack all your things into boxes
And then burn the boxes
So that's what I did

Oh, except that your Mickey Mouse tie
I love that tie
I couldn't burn that

But everything else went up in flames

Oh, and she told me to slap you
She said you'd know why
I can slap your arm if you like
That might not hurt as much

I want to be fair about this, Ronald

I know this may all come as a shock to you
But certain things are destined to be

The psychic told me
The only way I'm going to win the Nobel Prize
And become an ambassador to Equador
Is if I shuck you off of me
Like the barnacle that you are

(She called you a barnacle, not me
As you can probably tell
She was very direct--and a little insensitive)

She also said I should quit smoking

But you know

You can't put too much stock
In what those people say