The Opening Speech

I can still do the speech
The opening speech

Please, no talking
Here are the exits
Enjoy the show

Some of the other actors
When they'd do the speech
They'd elaborate
Or add things
Jokes, stuff like that

And they would always get a laugh
Because nobody expects the opening speech
To be funny
Because it's not supposed to be
Because it's an opening speech
It's not a part of the play
It's the last bit of reality
The audience experiences
Before the play begins

Some of my fellow actors
Usually the ones
With small roles
In the show they were introducing
Used to try and take that opening speech
And make something out of it
To compensate for the fact
That they weren't going to be doing much
In the production itself

It was as if they thought--

'Maybe I'll win the audience over
As I'm telling them where the fire exits are
And then they'll wonder
Why I don't have a bigger role in the play'

I never did that

Oh, I did a lot of other things
A lot of bad things
That I shouldn't have done
Because I was an actor
And that's all I was
And when actors only have to act
They become lazy, egotistical
Troublemakers

A papercut becomes the real-world equivalent
Of an axe in the head

So no, I was no saint
None of us were

But I never used the opening speech

I never had it do anything
But what it was meant to do

Introduce the play

Please, no talking
Here are the exits
Enjoy the show

I always remember
That last part

The beauty of that request

Enjoy the show

Nothing's better than saying that

And feeling that wave rush over you from the audience

As if they're saying--

Okay

We're ready