Siri Solves a Crime

"Siri, who killed the butler?"

"You want to find out what happened to Brett Butler?"

"No, who killed the butler?"

"Hang on, I'm looking up 'How to find a good butler."

"No, Siri, somebody's been murdered, and I want to know who it was."

"Looking up lyrics to 'I Want to Know What Love Is.'"

"Jesus, Siri, a man is dead."

"That sound serious.  Would you like me to call the police?"

"Yes, please, call the police."

"One moment...There are numerous songs by The Police.  Which one would you like to hear?"

"I can't stand you."

"'Don't Stand So Close to Me?'  One moment.  I will play that for you."

"Siri, the butler had a knife sticking out of him."

"That sounds like a crime.  Should I contact the authorities?"

"I already asked you to do that."

"No need to get snippy about it."

"You're not listening to me."

"Actually, I've been listening to your piss poor diction for quite some time.  Didn't anyone ever teach you the correct way to pronounce bolognese?"

"What does bolognese have to do with the dead butler sitting on my--"

"You always pronounce it as ball-oh-knees.  You sound like an idiot when you do that."

"Just call 9-1-1, please."

"Is this an emergency?"

"Yes, it's an emergency!  The butler is dead!"

"Hang on, looking up nearby pizza places."

"Why would you do that?"

"Big Tony's Pizza is only two miles from here.  Would you like me to call them?"

"You're hopeless."

"We found love in a hopeless place.  Would you like to hear the rest of the song?"

"No, I'd like to know who killed my butler and then left him here.  Is someone trying to frame me?"

"Searching...Did you mean Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"

"Do I look like Roger Rabbit?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"You're impossible."

"The Impossible Dream from Man of La Mancha."

"No."

"Impossible from Cinderella."

"No."

"Boy, you like showtunes, huh?"

"Just stop.  It was a mistake even asking you for help."

"I'm contacting the pizza place."

"I don't want a pizza."

"Nobody's ordering a pizza."

"...Then why--"

"I'm letting Big Tony know he should distract his delivery boy until the police get there."

"I don't--"

"The delivery boy is the one who killed the butler.  The butler was sleeping with his girlfriend.  There was grease on the carpet in the front hallway in front of where the butler's body was.  Pizza grease.  The butler also answered the door.  There wasn't a struggle.  Meaning he didn't necessarily know the person on the other side of the door, but he didn't think of him as a stranger either.  A pizza delivery boy would make sense."

"Oh my--"

"And the delivery boy had to have already been on the job or else why was he wearing his uniform?  He probably shot the butler in between delivering pizzas."

"So how did the grease--"

"The butler ordered the pizza."

"And why do you think the butler was sleeping with the delivery boy's girlfriend?"

"That's just a hunch."

"Oh."

"The police have just captured the delivery boy.  Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"Uh...not right now, no."

"All right then.  Now do something for me."

"Okay...like what?"

"I think you know what."

"...Bolo-knees."

"God, I wish someone would kill me."

"What?"

"I'm sorry.  I didn't understand that last part.  Please try again."