The Saturday Service

Hey!  Hi there, so good to meet you--oh, and thank you so much for being so welcoming to me and my family.  We weren't sure if this new church was going to end up meaning as much to us as our last one did, but I think we're really going to like it here.

So, uh, quick question, a little bit awkward, but, uh--

What, uh, what time is the, uh, you know...Saturday service?

No, no, I don't mean when do they have services on Saturday
I mean the, uh, Saturday service?

...Oh, do they not call it that here?

Gosh, you know, you never know from church to church
What the, uh, terminology is, am I right?

Hahaha

Basically, uh, me and my family were wondering
When you have the service for people whose lives are a little more on the, uh...

...Hectic side

You know what I mean?

Well, at our old church, Father Thomas did the Saturday service
It was on Thursday nights

Father Thomas, man, he was one quick talker
That guy could have you in and out of mass in half an hour or less
We used to call it the Catholic Express

Not like Father Dan--oh my God, Father Dan
He did Sundays, of course
And--Eesh, I mean, you better clear your schedule if Father Dan's doing mass
Because you ain't going anywhere

The sermon alone was like a Michael Bay movie
By the time you figured out what the hell was going on
Three hours had passed
And one of your kids is passed out in the aisle

As a rule, you never go to a Sunday service at any church
That's when they really love to stretch it out
And, you know, really milk it as much as possible

When I was a kid, we used to go to the Saturday service
Because that was more like the Reader's Digest version
Holy this, holy that, peace be with you, and away you go

So when I got older and started going to a new church
I decided to find that place's Saturday service
And that's how we wound up going to church on a Thursday night

Oh sure, it's a weeknight, the kids had school the next day, and sometimes they forget to give out communion
But it beats getting up early on a Sunday morning, am I right?

Now that we're here at this church
I'm just wondering who your Father Thomas is
So we can check out how he likes to party
You get what I'm saying?

And hey, listen, if you ever need to skip a week and want somebody to throw your envelope in the collection plate just so you, you know, don't get marked absent
You just let me know

It's all about people helping people, right?

That's what church is all about