The Seducer

(An interrogation room with a table and two chairs.  SIMON is in one of the chairs.  LIAM is sitting in the other chair.)

SIMON:  Sorry, I couldn't find a tape recorder.

LIAM:  Do you have one on your phone?

SIMON:  I shouldn't really use my phone.

LIAM:  Oh.

SIMON:  It just doesn't seem--

LIAM:  Okay.

SIMON:  (Over-lapping.)  --Professional.

LIAM:  Right.  Okay.

SIMON:  I can just--(Motions to the notepad in front of him and a pen as if to say 'Write down what you say' even though he doesn't pick up the pen.)--I mean, it won't be that much.

LIAM:  It might be.

SIMON:  It might be?

LIAM:  I mean--you don't know, right?

SIMON:  Uh...I have...an idea?

LIAM:  I don't think you do.

(A beat.)

SIMON:  ...Okay.

LIAM:  I know it seems simple, because you just want to know about my power.

SIMON:  We don't call it, uh, 'power.'

LIAM:  When you say 'we'--

SIMON:  The agency.  Everyone here at--the agency.  We don't call it 'power.'  Marvel recently purchased the term, so we're not allowed to use it.  We call it 'enhanced ability.'  You have an 'enhanced ability' or an EA.

LIAM:  Okay.

SIMON:  So your enhanced ability is--

LIAM:  People want to have sex with me.

(A beat.)

SIMON:  Uh...

LIAM:  I mean--I can make people want to have sex with me.

SIMON:  Well...that's not, uh...

LIAM:  No, it's not like--I mean, I know I'm attractive--

SIMON:  This--

LIAM:  But I can actually, like, make a decision, to, uh, uh--

SIMON:  You're saying you can make someone, uh--

LIAM:  Lust!--after me, I mean.

SIMON:  Lust after you?

LIAM:  Yes.

SIMON:  That's not really the sort of, um, enhanced abilities that we're, uh, looking for.

LIAM:  To fight the aliens, you mean?

SIMON:  We can't really call them, uh, aliens.  They're--

LIAM:  They're not?

SIMON:  No, they are, but Fox owns the rights to the term 'aliens' so we're calling them 'outer enemies' or OE's.

LIAM:  Okay, so you're looking for people with AE's to fight the OE's?

SIMON:  Correct.  But I'm not sure seducing people is going to, uh, help--with that.

LIAM:  I disagree.

SIMON:  We don't want to have sex with the OE's, Mr., uh--

LIAM:  Liam.  Just call me Liam.

SIMON:  Liam--we needs to fight these things.  Not seduce them.

LIAM:  You don't think seduction could be a useful form of combat?

SIMON:  I don't know what sort of, uh, activities you're interested in, but where I'm from--No.

LIAM:  Where are you from?

SIMON:  I'm--uh, I'm not even sure you can, uh, do what it is you say you can do.

LIAM:  Really?

SIMON:  Really.  But if you'd like me to go get a female agent so you could--

LIAM:  It doesn't need to be a woman.

(A beat.)

SIMON:  All right, well--

LIAM:  It doesn't even need to be a human.  I was at the zoo the other day and I stared too long at a panda.  Before I knew it, she was trying to climb over the barrier.  It was very scary.  I don't always know my own strength.

SIMON:  That's fascinating--and awful, but still not helpful.

LIAM:  The female panda attacked everybody who got between me and her.  You don't think that could be helpful?

SIMON:  I don't--

LIAM:  Slap yourself.

SIMON:  What?

LIAM:  You don't realize it, but I've actually been seducing you this entire time.

SIMON:  No, you haven't.

LIAM:  Yes, I have.

SIMON:  No, you haven't.

LIAM:  Slap yourself.

(SIMON slaps himself.  A beat.)

SIMON:  What the--

LIAM:  Tell me your biggest fear.

SIMON:  Spiders.

(A beat.)

I hate spiders.

LIAM:  Thank you for telling me that.

SIMON:  How did you--?

LIAM:  I seduced you.

SIMON:  Oh my God.

LIAM:  It wasn't even that hard.

SIMON:  Oh my GOD.

LIAM:  You don't, uh, like women, right?

SIMON:  JESUS.

LIAM:  That might have been why it was so easy.

SIMON:  Undo it.

LIAM:  What?

SIMON:  What you did.  Undo it.

LIAM:  I can't.

SIMON:  What do you mean you can't?

LIAM:  I can't  I'm sorry.  It's sort of my, uh, flaw?  I guess?  I can't un-seduce somebody once I've, you know, seduced them.

SIMON:  But--

LIAM:  Once you're seduce, you're seduced.

SIMON:  I'm a government agent.  I'm Level 9.  I can't be smitten with somebody with an AE.  It's a conflict of interest.

LIAM:  You're not recording this, right?

SIMON:  I--

LIAM:  Is the room bugged?

SIMON:  No, we don't bug the rooms with--No.

LIAM:  So nobody knows about--this?

SIMON:  Well...No.

LIAM:  There you go.  Look, uh--Agent--

SIMON:  Simon.

LIAM:  Is Simon your first name or last name?

SIMON:  It's--I'm Simon.

LIAM:  Simon, okay.  Simon--look, I'm a good guy.  I'm one of the good guys, and I want to help.  I want to, you know, help the cause.

SIMON:  Okay.

LIAM:  So let me.  Let me help.

SIMON:  I...I'll put in my recommendation.

(A beat.)

LIAM:  And then?

SIMON:  And then it gets reviewed and--they'll call you in a week.

LIAM:  Great.  GREAT!  I want to...I want to be useful, you know?  I don't want to just have this thing that gets me laid.  I want to believe there's some--bigger purpose, you know?  That can actually make a difference.

(A beat.)

SIMON:  But I don't want you to go.

LIAM:  What?

SIMON:  I mean, a minute ago, I wouldn't have cared, but now--

LIAM:  Wait--

SIMON:  I...I can't let you go.  You could be killed.

LIAM:  Simon--

SIMON:  I'm in love with you, Liam.  I can't let you go.  I can't let you fight.

LIAM:  I'm telling you to let me do this.

SIMON:  Well, ironically, now that I'm in love with you, allowing you to get killed is the one thing I won't do for you.

LIAM:  But you'd let me lead a meaningless life?

SIMON:  Is it really meaningless when it can be filled with so much love?

(SIMON moves towards LIAM.  LIAM jumps up and moves away from him.)

LIAM:  I'll go over your head.  You've got to have a superior, right?

SIMON:  You could do that, but if I write on my form that you don't have any enhanced abilities, then nobody else will believe anything you say.

LIAM:  Then I'll show them.

SIMON:  Then you'll be right back where you started, right?

LIAM:  Oh.

SIMON:  Nobody who you use your power on is going to let you go to war with these OE's, Liam.

LIAM:  But if I make it out of the war alive--

SIMON:  Nobody's making it out of the war alive.

(A beat.)

That's not public knowledge.  Please keep that between us.

LIAM:  So...everyone you find who's...like me--the people you're recruiting--you're basically sending them off to die?

SIMON:  We don't, uh...we don't really have a choice.

LIAM:  Jesus.

SIMON:  That's why I can't let you go.  I need you to stay here.  With me.

LIAM:  I don't love you, Simon.

SIMON:  Don't say that.

LIAM:  I don't.

SIMON:  So you like girls?

LIAM:  I don't like anyone.  I don't love anyone.  That's the second flaw.  I can make anybody love me, but I can't love anybody.  I don't know if it's meant to be the hole in my armor or the armor itself.  I can't feel love.  For anyone.

(A beat.)

SIMON:  Well that's...

(A moment.)

Then you should go.

LIAM:  Please, don't just send me away.  I can--

SIMON:  No.  I mean--Go.  Like--go and I'll write up the appropriate forms and in a week, you'll...Just go.

(A beat.)

LIAM:  Thank you.

(LIAM turns to go.)

SIMON:  Does it even--I mean, uh--does it even fade, like, a little bit, or--

LIAM:  I don't...Not that I'm aware of.

(A beat.)

SIMON:  Thank you for your...anticipated service.

(LIAM nods and exits.  SIMON picks up his pencil, stares at the blank paper, and thinks about what to write.)