Two Showers

I shower before I go to bed at night
And I shower when I wake up in the morning

Scott thinks this is weird
This morning at breakfast he asked me why
I shower before bed and then in the morning
When all that happens in between is me sleeping

I took off my glasses
I put down my coffee
I immediately regretted not spiking it

I said, 'Scott'
And then I paused
So he can take a moment to sit back
And prepare himself
For the logic
That will invariably
Give him a headache
For the rest of the day

'Scott,' I said, pause
'I take a shower before bed
And then in the morning
Because during the night
Any number of disgusting things
Could be happening to my body

Bugs could be crawling over it
All night--and I wouldn't know
Such is the Catch-22 of being a sound sleeper

You don't wake up for anything
But you also don't wake up...for anything

Dust could be collecting on me
After all, I don't move during the night--'

Not like Scott
Who does an entire aerobics routine
In his sleep

'--I could be sweating
I could be drooling
I could be weeping
Which, considering the nightmares I have
About all the ways I've wasted my life
Wouldn't be all that surprising

I could be a sleepwalker

I could be walking out the door every night
Rolling around in the garden
And then casually wiping myself down with a damp facecloth
Just so my waking self won't notice

Microscopic organisms could be jumping off your body during the night, Scott
And right onto mine
Since, as we both know, one of us pays far more attention to our persona hygiene
Than the other one does

The dog could be creeping into our room every night
To lick me and then walk away

You could also be licking me, Scott
But since your favorite team hasn't won in awhile
I seriously doubt it

Scott, while we were are sleeping
Hair is growing
Skin is stretching
Dead cells are falling off my body
And being replaced by new ones

And you expect me to just get up
Get dressed
And start my day
As if everything is fine and dandy?

Nothing is fine and dandy, Scott
Nothing

And don't ask me why I don't just shower in the morning then
And then skip my nightly shower
Because if you think what potentially happens to me when I'm sleeping is bad
You can't imagine the barrage of germs and filth
I'm exposed to on a daily basis
Just by interacting with other people

So I take two showers
And I spike my coffee
And I've been ordering prescription anti-anxiety medication from Canada
Because I don't feel like telling a doctor
That thinking about going to the supermarket
Makes me want to pull out my eyelashes
And lay them out on the kitchen counter
So you can find them when you get home

Now eat your damn eggs
And shut the hell up'

And he does

Because Scott and I?

We understand each other