(MARC and CHRIS, dressed as vampires.)
MARC:
What have you come here for today, Voracious?
CHRIS:
You know, my lord.
MARC:
I know that my lips are still waiting for the touch of yours. Will you keep waiting any longer?
CHRIS:
I fear that once my lips touch yours, they will want…other parts of you
as well.
MARC:
Name them.
CHRIS:
What, my lord?
MARC:
The parts.
CHRIS:
Your neck.
MARC:
Ah.
CHRIS:
Your arteries.
Your…throbbing arteries.
MARC:
Voracious, you…excite me.
CHRIS:
Seriously?
MARC:
Well—
CHRIS:
Um, Marc—
MARC: Ugh! You can’t call me Marc.
CHRIS:
Okay. Sorry.
MARC:
If you call me Marc, then it, like, jolts me or something, and the, you
know, mood, or whatever, is like—gone.
CHRIS:
What mood? Like a romantic
mood?
MARC:
No, dude, oh my god.
CHRIS:
Okay, I just—you said ‘mood.’
MARC:
The mood of—like, the atmosphere we’re creating.
CHRIS:
Okay, I need to ask a question.
MARC:
You need to ask a question—what?
CHRIS:
I need to ask a question…my lord.
MARC:
Proceed, Voracious.
CHRIS:
Are you sure all vampires are bisexual?
MARC:
Um, I’m a hundred percent sure of that.
CHRIS:
But, like…how are you sure?
MARC:
You think vampires have time for sexual labels, Chris?
CHRIS:
Hey!
MARC:
Sorry, I mean, Voracious?
CHRIS:
I’m just not sure my girlfriend is going to be comfortable with this.
MARC:
Oh, but she’s comfortable with you coming over here everyday pretending
to be a vampire and licking ketchup off my throat?
CHRIS:
No, I don’t think she’d be comfortable with that either if I told her,
you know, any of that.
MARC: Dude,
are you embarrassed?
CHRIS:
No.
MARC:
Because if you’re embarrassed, I can always have Luke Taylor do vampire
play with me.
CHRIS:
Ew, Luke Taylor? He’d be
the worst vampire ever.
MARC:
Well, at least he wouldn’t be lying about it to his girlfriend.
CHRIS:
Kid, Mackenzie’s just, like, super religious. Her family goes to church like, five times a year. I can’t just spring this on her.
MARC:
Okay, you know what? This
is really ruining my flow right now.
CHRIS:
I’m sorry, just—can we please talk about this after we, you know--?
MARC:
Fine.
(MARC
takes a deep breath, and gets back into it.)
What have you come here for today, Voracious?
CHRIS:
We have to start all over?
MARC:
No, just—do the Second Scenario, okay?
CHRIS:
Fine—uh, is that where I stake you with my—
MARC:
No, that’s the Final Scenario.
The Second Scenario is—
CHRIS:
Right, right, sorry, uh—
MARC:
To offer myself—
CHRIS:
Right! To offer myself to
you, my lord.
MARC:
You offer yourself while wearing such…pedestrian clothing?
CHRIS:
I apologize, my lord.
MARC:
Remove those civilian garments.
They offend my eyes.
CHRIS:
Yes, my lord.
(CHRIS
takes off his clothes leaving nothing on but a pair of very ugly boxers.)
MARC:
Does this please you, my lord?
CHRIS:
Dude, really?
MARC:
What?
CHRIS:
Those boxers, dude. They’re
hideous.
MARC:
So?
CHRIS:
So? You think Voracious,
underling to the Dark Lord, would wear boxers that ugly?
MARC:
Well, what are you wearing?
(CHRIS
strips down to his underwear—a very sexy pair of black briefs.)
CHRIS:
Jesus, Marc.
MARC:
Chris!
CHRIS:
Sorry—Lord—whatever! Look
at those!
MARC:
What?
CHRIS:
Those are, like, wicked slutty, kid.
MARC:
No, they’re not.
CHRIS:
Kid, they look Australian!
MARC:
So?
CHRIS:
So?
MARC:
So, they are Australian! So
what?
CHRIS:
All slutty underwear comes from Australia!
MARC:
So what? Lord Franck wears
slutty underwear!
CHRIS:
He’s a Master of the Dark Forces!
Why would he wear slutty underwear?
MARC:
Because he still wants Voracious to find him attractive, nad he knows
that Voracious has been…playing vampires with some other…dudes.
(A
beat.)
CHRIS:
I don’t know what you’re—
MARC:
If Luke Taylor’s such a bad vampire, how come you were at his house last
night until 2am?
CHRIS:
Uh, I don’t—
MARC:
My girlfriend lives across the street from him, dude. She told me your car was parked outside
his house until wicked late. She
thinks you guys were watching football or something, but I just told her that
you’re a traitor who serves a new master now that you’ve sucked my veins dry.
CHRIS:
Kid, how could you tell her that?
MARC:
She’s not going to say anything.
She does Witch Play with, like, half the debate team.
CHRIS:
Witch play sounds really hot.
MARC:
Oh my god, dude, it’s, like, the hottest thing ever.
CHRIS:
Look, I wasn’t doing vampire play with Luke.
MARC:
Then what the hell were you doing?
CHRIS:
We were making out!
(A
beat.)
MARC:
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
(Short
pause.)
You’re gay?
CHRIS:
Yeah, like—Yeah.
MARC:
But your girlfriend—
CHRIS:
I’m, like—it’s a thing I’m still—you know, dealing with, and…
MARC:
But dude, maybe I, like, shouldn’t be getting naked with you then.
CHRIS:
So you’re not—
MARC:
No, I’m, like, only into this when we’re vampires together.
CHRIS:
Right, sorry.
MARC:
No, don’t be sorry, it’s just—I’m sorry, actually, I didn’t—
CHRIS:
It’s cool, Marc—my lord, I mean…
MARC:
Um, hey look, I mean, we already started, so…If you want to do Final
Scenario—
(A
beat.)
CHRIS:
Really?
MARC:
Yeah, dude, I mean—you can’t just let me get away. I’m your lord and you’re my underling,
and if you want to take my place on the Vampire Throne, you have to—
CHRIS:
Okay, cool.
MARC:
Unless you—
CHRIS:
No, I’m totally down for that.
MARC:
Okay.
(A
beat.)
And just so you know—I think gay vampires are,
like, the best kind of vampire to be.
CHRIS:
Thanks, Marc. That really
means a lot.
MARC:
You’re welcome. Now stake
the shit out of me, all right?
CHRIS:
You got it.
(Lights.)
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