The Shot is Going to Hurt

Billy, I'm not going to lie to you

You're going to the doctor's today
And you're going to get a shot
And it's going to hurt

It's going to hurt a lot
Like, a whole lot

I mean, it might not
Because sometimes it doesn't
For certain kids

But most of the time
It hurts
And it's not fun

It's definitely not fun

Now, some kids like getting shots
But I doubt you're one of those kids
Because those kids are weird
And later on in life
They grow up and they turn into weird people
Who like doing...weird things with...other people
So I'd actually prefer it
If you freak out a little about getting a shot
Because that is a totally normal response
To having somebody you only see once a year
Puncture your skin with something

This is not going to be pleasant for you
And, depending on how much you cry
It's going to be even worse for me
Which probably doesn't seem possible
Seeing as how you're the one getting the shot
But trust me, the embarrassment of dealing with a screaming child in a public place
Mixed with the sadness you feel watching your kid feel pain you can do nothing about
Is way worse than the awful pain you're going to feel when that needle goes deep into your arm
Looking for something it may never find

All that being said
I am going to use
What every parent since the dawn of time has used
In order to get a child to do something
Their kid doesn't want to do

Bribery

You tell me what you want
And I will give it to you
Provided it isn't something insane
Like that game console I know you've been eyeing
That is worth even more than the obscene amount of agony
You're about to experience

All in exchange for you not punching the doctor in the face
Or losing your shit in front of the other parents in the waiting room

We can negotiate about crying and sniveling
And hypventilating
But only if you agree that all of that is done in private
Away from the judging eyes of the other parents
Who are going to go through the same damn thing
As soon as their kids get their shots

If I teach you nothing else as a parent
I will teach you to suppress your suffering
So that it's only visible to those
You absolutely can't hide it from
Because that is a vital life lesson
Maybe the most important one of all

Billy, this shot may be the most painful moment of your life
It may become the thing that you compare all other pain to from now until your death
It may even change who you become as a person
But it has to happen to you
The same way it happened to me
And every other person who wasn't raised on a commune
Or off the grid somewhere
And if you think I'm going to take my chances on you getting the Chilean measles
Just so you don't have to suffer through one excruciating shot
You're dead wrong, pal
Dead wrong

But think about what you want to be bribed with
And then we'll get in the car
And go get this thing over with

After that, we need to have a nice long talk about Santa Claus

Because we might as well rip all the band-aids off at once