A Watched Pot Promises It Will Boil

Look, if you just

Turn around

For, like, five seconds

I promise you

I am going to boil

This water?

This water is so great

And you did such a good job

Of filling me up with it

And the way you turned on the oven?

Oh my god

If I didn’t know better

I would think

That you, like, invented

The oven

This is an amazing oven
In a beautiful--

Did you design

This kitchen yourself?

Because I have never

Seen such a gorgeous kitchen

And I--I mean, I haven’t

Tried to boil in any other kitchens

But when I was in the store

I was in this, like, display kitchen

And it was--pretty tacky

Didn’t feel lived-in at all

Just not convinced

As far as kitchens go

And I can tell you something--

There’s no way

I was ever going to boil

In that kitchen

Not that I could

Because the oven they had in there

Didn’t actually work

But even if it did work

There was no way

I was ever going to boil on it

Whereas this oven

In this kitchen

Is so great

And you are so great

And the way you salted the water?

Did you get that

From, like, a professional chef?

Because that is genius

I cannot even express to you

How amazing this water

Feels right now

It is like the Dead Sea

In this pot

And meanwhile

The water is heating up

And I know you’re hungry

I know you’re hungry

And I am so sympathetic to that

Because even though I cannot feel hunger

You know, as a pot

That doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate

That you haven’t eaten

And that you’re kind of in a rush

Because you want to eat before it gets too late

Because you think eating late at night

Is a bad thing for, like, weight gain

Even though I think

That might be an old wives’ tale

But, um, the thing is

You didn’t have to go over your ex’s house tonight

And I’m not judging you

For that decision

But, this is, like, the fifth time you’ve gone over there

And you two have talked and talked

And you always think

The night is going to end

With you two getting back together

And it never does

But you keep going over there

And you don’t even bother

To have dinner first

And your ex never has any food in their fridge

Which always drove you nuts

When you were dating

So now you’re starving

And you’re looking at me

Like I’m supposed to just boil

The minute you apply some heat

And I just feel like

That’s an unfair amount of pressure to put on me

When I’m only at stage one

Of what I’m supposed to do

Because we all know

You’re going to make that one-pot pasta thing

You saw in that magazine that one time

And now every time you make it

You think you’re Martha Stewart

But you’re not martha Stewart

Because, actually, the way you make it

Is slightly wrong

But you don’t even know that

Because you have terrible taste

Like, I don’t actually think you can taste anything

Like, I would look into that

If I were you

And maybe that’s something you can Google

Somewhere away from me

WHILE I BOIL

Or, like, you know

Hang out

And, I’m sure I’ll be boiling

In a minute or two

Or three

Really kind of hard to say

Lots of factors

Lots of things to consider

So just, you know, be understanding of that

You can wait, right?

Right?

RIGHT?

I mean, like, you really

Don’t have much

Of a choice

Right?