How to Market a Terrible Show

      (The marketing department of a theater. ROBERTA and MARTA are finishing up a meeting.)

MARTA:  ...And the last one we're getting is The Pelican Brief.

ROBERTA:  They made a musical out of The Pelican Brief?

MARTA:  Yeah, it only ran for about a week on Broadway.

ROBERTA:  And they still did a tour?

MARTA:  Well, you know, New York is such a snooty market. They might have thought it would do better in the heartland.

ROBERTA:  Are we the heartland?

MARTA:  To New York theater producers, anything that isn't Midtown is redneck country.

ROBERTA:  Okay, what do we want to use to promote that one?

MARTA:  Just say 'hit Broadway musical.'

     (A beat.)

ROBERTA:  But you said it only ran a week?

MARTA:  It did.

ROBERTA:  Sooooooo how was it a hit?

MARTA:  Well, it--it's a title everybody knows.

ROBERTA:  Right, but--That doesn't make it a hit, does it?

MARTA:  The movie was a hit.

ROBERTA:  But this isn't the movie.

MARTA:  Uh well--

ROBERTA:  Did it get good reviews?

MARTA:  Ummmmm no.

ROBERTA:  Did the people who saw it like it?

MARTA:  The people who saw one of the handful of performances it did?

ROBERTA:  Yes.

MARTA:  I don't know. I'm sure one of them must have.

ROBERTA:  Should we try to...find that person?

MARTA:  Why?

ROBERTA:  So they can talk about liking it?  Maybe that's the route we could take?

MARTA:  Just make up a poster that says 'hit Broadway musical.'

ROBERTA:  But it doesn't sound like a hit.

MARTA:  For our purposes, it's a hit.

ROBERTA:  What purposes?

MARTA:  Needing it to sell.

ROBERTA:  But do we need to, you know, lie?

MARTA:  We're in marketing. It's not a lie. It's spin.

ROBERTA:  Feels like a lot of spin to call a musical that ran for a week a 'hit.'

MARTA:  A smash?

ROBERTA:  That's even bigger than a hit.

MARTA:  A treasure?

ROBERTA:  Because the American theatergoing public buried it with the expectation it never be discovered again?

MARTA:  Roberta, we have to make this show look attractive.

ROBERTA:  I mean, the actors in the materials they sent us are very good-looking. 

MARTA:  Those aren't going to be the actors in the tour. That's the Broadway cast. Picture the people in the materials they sent us and imagine what their second cousins would look like.

ROBERTA:  Can't we just make people aware that the show is happening?

MARTA:  That might not be enough to make them want to see it.

ROBERTA:  It sounds like the more we tell them about the show, the less they're going to want to see it.

MARTA:  What if we call it 'heart-warming?'

ROBERTA:  It's The Pelican Brief.

MARTA:  'Bold?'

ROBERTA:  It's The Pelican Brief.

MARTA:  'Searing?'

     (A beat.)

ROBERTA:  It's The Pelican Brief.

MARTA:  Wait wait wait--How about 'based on the hit movie?'

     (A moment.)

ROBERTA:  Yeah, that'll work.

MARTA:  Great. Now, we need to talk about Spongebob.

ROBERTA:  I quit.

     End of Play