What I Want SaladWorks to Put on My Salad

I want SaladWorks to put

Shaved crab

On my salad

I am willing to pay an upcharge

But I would like

The most decadent salad

Imaginable

I want caviar

I want truffles

I want pieces of that mushroom

That you can only find

In the Amazon rainforest

I just inherited

A fortune

And I am going to spend it

In the most insane ways imaginable

All two thousand dollars of it

We’re talking extra croutons on the salad

Extra guacamole

Extra avocado

Or as I call it--

Baby-Guac

I want the good lettuce

Not the one that tastes

Like plant water

But the one that tastes like

Plant chocolate

I want all the fancy greens

Arugula

Watercress

Green lemon leaf

I don’t know

If that last one is a thing

But the nice part is

When you’re rich

They make whatever you want

One time

I went out to dinner

With my uncle

The one who died

And left me the two thousand

And he was so wealthy

He didn’t even look at the menu

He just said ‘Spaghetti’

And they brought him spaghetti

And we were at a Chipotle

They don’t even HAVE spaghetti

At Chipotle

And they made it for him

Because he slapped down a fifty

Next thing you know

There’s spaghetti coming out

Like we’re at Mama Tortellini’s

I don’t want money to change me

But I would like

To change my salads

I want champagne

Poured over

The whole thing

And then shaken

So the whole salad

Tastes like an anniversary party

I want the bowl

They serve it to me in

To be made out of gold

And I want that silver cover over it

So that the guy at SaladWorks

Has to unveil my salad to me

As if to be like--

‘Is this to your satisfaction?’

And I’ll be like--

‘Yes, my good man’

And I’ll tip him really well

Because I’m always going to remember

To be a good person

Because that was how my uncle was

And it’s what I’ll miss the most about him

That and we’d go get salads a lot

And he’d let me tell him

About all my goals

And how I wanted to be rich like him

And he’d laugh

And tell me that money isn’t everything

But that’s kind of easy for him to say

Because he HAD money

He had so much money

And that’s why when we’d go out

He’d tell me

To get whatever I wanted

And I’d get a salad

But I’d keep it simple

Just the basics

And I always dreamed

Of getting more

Of just--totally losing my mind

Putting everything on it

All the extras

Double the extras

Triple them

And then take it all home

And spend the rest of the night

Just leisurely noshing

On my unheard of salad

It’s amazing what you can dream of

When you feel like

There’s no reason not to