Books from Ex-Boyfriends

When I was cleaning out

My bookcase

I found so many books

From ex-boyfriends

I had one--

There was this one guy, I should say

Who used to love to inscribe things to me

On the inside covers

Of all the books

He would give me to read

At first, I thought it was obnoxious of him

To hand me books
As though he were assigning them to me

But then it turned out

That he never read any of the books

He just thought they looked good

And he wanted me to read them

So I could tell him

Whether they were good or not

Which I guess was still

A kind of assignment

But it meant that he trusted me

And my taste

And so that was flattering at first

But then it felt like a burden

And the inscriptions always said

Something like--

‘I love how blue the cover

Of this one is

What do you think?’

And I couldn’t wrap my head

Around that

Using someone as a kind of
Literary taster for you

It seemed--

I felt like I was an intern

But to tell you the truth

That’s how I often felt

With the men I was dating

Because I liked dating men

Older than me

And very professional men

Men with offices

And the offices had to have windows

And I got to know their secretaries

And it was very important to me

That I endear myself

To the secretaries

And anyone else that worked for them

The strangest things

Were important to me

Back when I thought

Satisfaction was something

You stood next to

In the hopes

That it would wear off on you

When I thought that the best I could do

Was close

Close to a good relationship

Close to a career

Close to a man

That never let anybody

Get all that close

I have a bookcase in my house

And my husband said to me

Last month--

‘Have you ever read

Any of those books?’

I didn’t realize it

Until he said that

But those books

Were all given to me

By other people

And it made me think

Of this quote I love, which is--

‘Fame is something

Other people give you

Success is something
You give yourself’

When my first book came out

A man stood in front of me

At a signing

And he told

He loved the color

Of the cover

I looked up but it wasn’t

The ex who used to give me

Reading assignments

Just an interesting coincidence

I signed his book

With some warm message

Of thanks for his purchase

And then that was it

This week we’re having a yard sale

And I’m telling myself

That I’m going to put all the books

From ex-boyfriends on a table

And give whatever doesn’t sell

To the local library

But as soon as I touch

One of the spines

I feel the callback

To Chicago

And my first pair

Of expensive shoes

And buying gifts for secretaries

And fancy restaurants with fancy dinners

Paid for by men

Who were probably secretly married

Without my even knowing it

I think of the tokens

I’ve managed to tuck away

So I don’t forget

What it is I’m not forgetting

I don’t really know

But I’d like to keep it anyway

Sometimes you feel satisfied

And sometimes you stand next

To satisfaction

And hope that that’s

Enough