Lassie, Rebooted

Oh my god, Mark

It is SO good to see you

How’s Tim?

Is Tim still here?

Oh wow

Good for him

No, you know what?

He needed that

He really did

So happy for him

But anyway

Here we are

You and me

Thank you, yeah,

I just got back

From the groomer

And got the whole work-up

Got the tail done

Got the nails clipped

Got a new bow in my hair

I am ready

And Mark

When I say ‘ready’

I mean that in every way

I am ready

To be rebooted

So, I’m just going to

Dive right in

And you can tell me

If I’m moving too fast for you, okay?

I do not believe

There has ever been

A better time

For a Lassie reboot

But this time around

I’m a dog with a mission

Someone to avenge

Because Timmy

Has been kidnapped

By a drug cartel

And I have to travel

To Mexico

And face down the cartel

To get my owner back

Along the way

I learn combat techniques

From--get this--

Crossover happening here--

Rin-Tin-Tin

But he’s a different Rin-Tin-Tin

He’s see some things

He’s cynical

He’s jaded

He tells me to leave Timmy

Right where he is

And to just look out for myself

But I can’t do it

It’s not how I’m made

I’m a good dog

I wear Rin down

And he agrees to train me

But it becomes clear

Pretty early on

That the cartel is going to require

More than just one dog

To take it down

That’s when we form--

The K9’s

I’m talking Benji

I’m talking Beethoven

I’m talking Turner

Or Hooch

Whichever one

The dog is

We invade the cartel’s compound

We rescue Timmy

Along the way Beethoven gets shot

And makes the ultimate sacrifice

For the team

I get Timmy back to the farm

And I go back

To saving kids from wells

And running through the fields

But even though I promise

I’m done with the wild life

The animal in me

Is never fully suppressed

And a series of sequels

Finds me taking down

Corruption and conspiracy

At every level

Mark, I don’t have to tell you

What I’m describing

Is an untapped goldmine

And I should know

I rescued Timmy from a goldmine

At least sixteen times

During the original series

This is money, Mark

This is the biggest check

Anyone has even written your name on, my friend

And I want you

To cash it

Every dog

Has its day, my friend

And I’m telling you

Today is yours

You want to shake

This newly groomed

Paw of mine?

I’m ready, baby

I’m ready

To get back

In the game