How I Parent When the Cameras Are Off

When the cameras are off

I don’t bother

Trying to teach them

Any grand life lessons

You have to save that stuff

For the camera

I tell the kids

All the time

If the cameras aren’t on

Just try and save your energy

Because we can’t have them come back

Once they’ve packed up

And left for the day

To get you saying something clever

I think it’s healthy, honestly

Kids need to understand

As early as possible

The difference between

Work time and regular time

And when the cameras are here

They’re on work time

Mom and Dad are on work time

And all the people in the house

Are on work time

The rest of the time

Is quiet time

Some nap time

And what my partner and I call--

Savings Time

Where we save our best stuff

For when it’s going to be

Most useful for us

The other day

I caught my son

Singing a little song to himself

That he made up
And I stopped him

I said, ‘Hey bud, why don’t we save that

Until we can film it?

We got a big holiday special coming up

And I bet that would go viral

If we saw you doing it on film.’

He understands

This is how Mom and Dad

Can afford to take him

On vacations

And buy him presents

And things he wants

This kid is going to know

More about economics

By the time he’s in high school

Than most people do

By the time they’re forty!

And I would say, yes,

How I parent is different

When the cameras are on

Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed

But good parenting takes a lot of energy

And so if you’re going to show your best self

You’re going to show it

When people can see it

The rest of the time, you know

Maybe you let them

Watch a little extra tv

More screen time

Maybe you don’t even see each other

All that much

Because you film in all the living spaces

And so once the day is done

You just want to go in your bedroom

And tell the kids to take care of themselves

Until the next morning

When the crew comes back

Who can blame you?

I can’t be expected
To parent at that level

Twenty-four hours a day

Seven days a week

There’s no way to do that

Without being exhausted all the time

And I am the breadwinner

For the family

Well, the entire family

Is the breadwinner

And truthfully, the kids’ brands

Are even more lucrative than mine

But I am the organizer

Of all that

And so, you know

I need to look out for my mental health

Do you know how many vacations

I have to take by myself

Just to keep myself balanced

And in a good mindframe?

It’s a lot

And sometimes I look

Really good on those vacations

And it kills me

Because I can’t have the cameras there

Because people will criticize me

For going on vacation

Without my family

But you know, they just don’t understand

Doing all this

Keeping all this running

And only getting a few hours a night

To unwind

While you wait

For the views to start coming in

Really takes a toll

But, you know

It’s the hardest job

In the world, right?

Good thing I love

My family

So much