So Afraid

I put a memory in my mind

Of a summer by a lake

A summer where

The concerns are of

Young love

And rainstorms

The lake was blue

In a way that no lake

Has ever really been blue

I sit on a raft

In the middle

Of all that water

And I create the sound

Of birds flying overhead

And kids playing

On the shore

And a car pulling up

Loaded to the top

With suitcases

And supplies

For a few months

Away from home

And I don’t know

What home is

Or what it looks like

But I know that

As nice as it is

It’s also nice

To take a break from

For a while

I create the smells

Of hamburgers on the grill

And fresh linen

Hanging on the line

And so much I couldn’t bear

To lose

That it makes me fearful

I build something

I would hate to see

Taken away

And then I wait

To see if

Anyone will

Sitting in the middle

Of the lake

On a raft

I wait to see

If the storm will come

And take it all away

A cloud comes

But it’s my cloud

I ask for it

And at first

I think I hear thunder

But it’s just someone

Banging pots around

In a kitchen

Looking for a pan

They haven’t used

Since last summer

What might be lightning

Is only the flash of a camera

As someone in my memory

Takes a moment

To make a memory

Of their own

I wait for destruction

And while I wait

The summer goes by

I rewind the memory

But the second time

It all goes by

Even faster

The people I’ve created

In the memory

Call to me

They want me

To paddle my way in
For a birthday party

And a barbecue

And volleyball

And outdoor dinners

And romance

And a memory of time

That anyone

Who cares to remember

Would want to commit

To memory

But I’m so afraid

Because if I let up

If I look away

From the sky

The tempest might arrive

And wash it all away

Better to stay prepared

And alert

Where I can be ready

To stop the unstoppable

If it comes to that

But each time

I rewind and go back

And try to enjoy myself

Knowing that the last time

And the time before that

There was no storm

And nothing

To be afraid of

But what about this time?

I hear my name

And the memory

Restarts

But each time

I’m unable

To go anywhere

But where I am

Things go on

All around me

And I enjoy

Being on their perimeter

But closer than that?

I’m not sure

I’m not sure when I’ll be

Any less

Afraid