(ALYSSA MILANO is on the SANTA MARIA with CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.)
ALYSSA: ...And that's why you don't have a day anymore.
CHRISTOPHER: So you don't like having the day off?
ALYSSA: No, oh my god, I loooooove having the day off. It's a major mental health asset to have a day where you can reflect, and it's also in October, which is so lovely, because it's too late in the year to take a real vacation, so you can just stay in and plan out your tweets for the next month.
CHRISTOPHER: So you'll keep the day?
ALYSSA: No, we can't keep the day. You're a monster.
CHRISTOPHER: Everybody loves me.
ALYSSA: Who's everybody?
CHRISTOPHER: All the guys on the ship. I'm their favorite explorer.
ALYSSA: Well that might be how they feel now, but they won't always feel that way.
CHRISTOPHER: They're talking behind my back? I'll feed them to the sea!
ALYSSA: No, I'm using a general 'they.' Not the 'they' you know, but the future 'they.'
CHRISTOPHER: What future?
ALYSSA: The overall future.
CHRISTOPHER: Like a week from now? We'll still be at sea. I don't care about the future. I could die before I ever see land. Between you and me, I have no idea how a compass works.
ALYSSA: No, as in, hundreds of years into the future.
CHRISTOPHER: So you're an alien?
ALYSSA: No. I'm a progressive.
CHRISTOPHER: Is that...like an alien?
ALYSSA: Sort of. We're very in tune with the Universe.
CHRISTOPHER: Where do you progress to?
ALYSSA: That's not how it works. Mainly I'm here to tell you that you're a horrible person.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh. Well, I know that.
ALYSSA: You do?
CHRISTOPHER: Of course. Do you know how many people I've killed in my life?
ALYSSA: Oh no, you haven't killed anyone yet. That's once you land in the New World.
CHRISTOPHER: No, I've already killed a bunch of people.
ALYSSA: What? Why?
CHRISTOPHER: It's the 1400's. That's just...kind of what we do.
ALYSSA: You're saying that everybody was a killer in the 1400's?
CHRISTOPHER: I mean, not the children? Well, no, that's not true. Some kids get a taste for murder pretty early on.
ALYSSA: Well there's a difference between murder and genocide?
CHRISTOPHER: What's genocide?
ALYSSA: It's when you kill an entire group of people that all have something in common.
CHRISTOPHER: You mean like parrot trainers?
ALYSSA: No. Like--Indigenous people.
CHRISTOPHER: Who?
ALYSSA: The people who are living somewhere when you get there.
CHRISTOPHER: But you have to kill those people. They're not just going to let you show up where they live and take the things you want.
ALYSSA: Yes, because you shouldn't be doing any of that!
CHRISTOPHER: But if I don't take the things and bring them back home, the King and Queen will kill me.
ALYSSA: That doesn't excuse you murdering other people.
CHRISTOPHER: So you want me to be a martyr?
ALYSSA: No. We don't celebrate martyrs in modern times.
CHRISTOPHER: Do you still do Christmas?
ALYSSA: I--Well--
CHRISTOPHER: Look, I don't care if you want to cancel my holiday, but I think judging me out of the context of my time is uncalled for. It's a kneejerk overreaction.
ALYSSA: What would you say if I told you I can read?
CHRISTOPHER: A literate woman? YOU'RE A WITCH! WE HAVE A WITCH ONBOARD!
ALYSSA: There you go.
CHRISTOPHER: I just think there's plenty to worry about without needing to smear the legacy of a man who's been dead for hundreds of years.
ALYSSA: But we don't need statues of you. That's how we keep your legacy alive and your legacy is a very problematic one.
CHRISTOPHER: A statue doesn't keep a legacy alive. That's what sea shanties are for.
ALYSSA: So we can get rid of your statues?
CHRISTOPHER: Sure. I don't care.
ALYSSA: And the holiday?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes.
ALYSSA: How about the places we've named after you?
CHRISTOPHER: You named the entire country after me?
ALYSSA: No, just a city in Ohio.
CHRISTOPHER: Do people like Ohio?
ALYSSA: Not really.
CHRISTOPHER: Then fine, change it to something else.
ALYSSA: And will you turn around and not go to the New World thereby avoiding the mass murder and devastation you're going to inflict?
CHRISTOPHER: No. I'm not going to do that.
ALYSSA: Well, I think we made progress here, which is what I'm all about. Oh, and I'll need a photo with you so I can tweet that we had a productive conversation and we learned from each other.
CHRISTOPHER: And then I throw you overboard because you're a witch?
ALYSSA: I feel like we're taking a step back now.
CHRISTOPHER: Fine. I'll let you off the boat when we get to India.
ALYSSA: We're not--You know what, I'm just going to meet you where you are.
CHRISTOPHER: In India?
ALYSSA: Sure. Let's go with that.
End of Play
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