A List of Instagram Filters

A List of Instagram Filters:

English Countryside:  For when you want to look like

You’re vacationing on the English countryside

Weekend in Madrid:  Oh, I just, like, stopped over

in Madrid on my way to--

Week in Rome:  Spending a week in Rome.

You’re saying--I could get used to this ;)

Rainy English Countryside:  For when you’re

spending a weekend in the English countryside,

but, like, a lot is going on with you personally

and you need to reflect on some stuff

What Am I Looking At?:  When you want people

to take that second look, because your photo

looks like there’s a screen door in front of it

Screen Door:  When there actually IS a screen

door in front of your photo

I’m Somewhere Warm and You’re Not:  This is

when you’re being cute about the fact that it’s

cold back home and you’re in Madrid for the

weekend. Works exclusively for photos of feet

in front of pools.

Yoga Expert:  When you’re a yoga expert and

it’s changed your life, but you’re not weird about it

or anything

Peach Cobbler:  For when you’ve made a peach

cobbler and you wanna be like--I’m basically a baker

now even though I was a sculptor last week and a

yoga expert before that, so, like, please follow my

new cobbler page which is actually just my old

yoga memes page

Dublin Screen Door:  When you’re in Rome, but

you want the photo to look like it was taken in Dublin

from behind a screen door

Early 90’s Lifetime Movie:  When you walk to look

like you’re starring in an early 90’s Lifetime movie

Late 90’s Lifetime Movie:  Pretty much the same

lighting, but Judith Light won’t be in the photo

with you, so same lighting, less Light

Judith Light:  This filter is only to be used if you’re Judith

Light.

Judith’s Light:  This filter is only to be used if you’re standing

in Judith’s light, and honestly, god help you if you are.

Sparrow:  This is the filter you use when you’ve

written a poem on your inner thigh using the juice

of a freshly planted strawberry

Wool Sweater You Can’t Afford:  This is the filter

you use when you’re wearing a wool sweater you

can’t afford

Davenport Inc:  This is the filter you use when you’re

at Margola Davenport’s 4th of July party, but under no

circumstances are you allowed to use this photo if

you weren’t invited, and if you weren’t, then, like, how

did this even get on your phone?  I mean, I’m sure

you were invited, but, you probably just shouldn’t have

this lying around on your phone, because, you might use

it by accident when you’re not supposed to...or something

and Margola specifically chose the name Davenport Inc.

so that nobody would think to use it for what they should be

using it for so could you please just not?  Thanks

Roving Carnival:  This is the filter you use if you’re on a

Ferris wheel and you want to kiss the boy you’re with

but he’s really just a mannequin you dragged on the ride

with you so you could get this photo and so what if people

stared at you?  They’re real-life people, they don’t count.

The people seeing these photos are the ones who count

and they don’t know it’s a mannequin, so just take the photo,

use the filter, and stop crying, you’re embarrassing yourself.

Amazon Overnight Delivery:  A problematic filter, but

convenient if you need the photo to look good by

tomorrow 

Sahara:  You can use this filter if you’re in a desert OR

if you named your daughter Sahara OR if you have a

cockatoo named Sahara that you take wherever you go

OR if the house you built in Southern Florida that comes

with its own anti-gravity chamber is referred to as The

Sahara Home of Southern Florida OR if your skin is dry

and you need to tamp that down for your followers

Long Island Expressway:  This is if you’re on a train

and the lighting is good for some reason, but you’re

also on parole

Brian:  This is the filter you use if a guy named Brian

took your photo

Sorry I’m Late:  This is the filter you use if you took the

photo and spent two hours tweaking it which made you

late, which is, like, so understandable.  Do NOT take

any shit for it.

Am I Dead?:  For when the lighting is so bright it drowns

out nearly the entire photo except for a little bit of sand

which might have people thinking you’re at the beach or

something when really you’re in the dressing room at 

Target trying on a Looney Tunes graphic tee

Sitting Down Outside Smoking:  This is when you want

to look like you do not give a flyin f***, but you also spent

way too much on that haircut, gurl. Don’t act like you didn’t

Sepia Exorcism:  This is for when the Dark Lord has taken

control of your body, but also, your pores have never looked

better and you need to document it

Terra Novela:  This is for when you’re being by a dinosaur

AND you’re in a telenovela

Judith:  This is the filter you use when Judith Light finds you

after you got caught standing in her light, and trust us, it is

very forgiving, which, frankly, cannot be said for the woman

it is named after.

Warm But Blue:  This is for when you want to look warm,

but also, blue is your color not orange

Cold But Orange:  Same but reverse it

Skinny But Not Alarming:  You get it

Emotionally Unavailable But Funny:  You get it, right?

Rich But Still Needs A Partner Who Can Contribute:

Yeah, you got it