Cynthia Calls the Weatherman

     (Two Phone Calls)

CYNTHIA:  Hello?

WEATHERMAN:  Hi, can I help you?

CYNTHIA:  Is this the weatherman?

WEATHERMAN:  Yes.

CYNTHIA:  This is Cynthia.

WEATHERMAN:  Uh...who is Cynthia?

CYNTHIA:  Me.

WEATHERMAN:  No, I understand that, but--

CYNTHIA:  Sorry to call you at home.

WEATHERMAN:  Yes, how did you get this number?

CYNTHIA:  Well, I called your mother first, and strangely enough, she didn't know your number, but she put me in touch with your ex-wife, and she gave it to me.

WEATHERMAN:  I--

CYNTHIA:  Boy, does she have some problems with you.

WEATHERMAN:  Can I help you with something, Cynthia?

CYNTHIA:  Yes.  You said it was going to snow tomorrow, but I was watching the news just now and all of a sudden you went from saying it was going to snow to saying it's going to be beautiful out.

WEATHERMAN:  I know, isn't that great news?

CYNTHIA:  No, it's terrible news.  I don't want to do anything tomorrow.

WEATHERMAN:  Oh.  Well then...don't?

CYNTHIA:  You don't understand.  Franny is having people over.

WEATHERMAN:  Who's Franny?

CYNTHIA:  You don't know Franny?

WEATHERMAN:  I don't even know you.

CYNTHIA:  Franny is my sister.

WEATHERMAN:  Okay.

CYNTHIA:  And she's having people over and I don't want to go.

WEATHERMAN:  So don't go.

CYNTHIA:  I have to go.  She's making shepherd's pie.

WEATHERMAN:  Do you like shepherd's pie?

CYNTHIA:  No, I hate it.

WEATHERMAN:  I'm very confused.

CYNTHIA:  I don't like the way she makes it, but I don't want to tell her that, because it would hurt her feelings.

WEATHERMAN:  Oh.

CYNTHIA:  And if I go over there, I'm going to have to eat it, or she'll know I don't like it.  That's why I was so happy when you said it would snow, because she knows I don't drive in the snow.

WEATHERMAN:  Well, it's not going to snow.

CYNTHIA:  How do you know that?

WEATHERMAN:  Because...I'm a weatherman?

CYNTHIA:  Can't you just say it's going to snow?

WEATHERMAN:  No, that would be unethical.

CYNTHIA:  You said it yesterday.

WEATHERMAN:  Yesterday it was going to snow tomorrow.

CYNTHIA:  Are you listening to yourself?

WEATHERMAN:  The forecast changed.

CYNTHIA:  Can it change again?

WEATHERMAN:  I guess it could change again, but I can't say it's changed if it hasn't.

CYNTHIA:  But this is all your way of looking at it anyway, isn't it?  It's all subjective.  Just like the rest of the news.

WEATHERMAN:  The news is not--

CYNTHIA:  It's all in how you report it.  Just say it could snow.  That's not not true, is it?  It still could snow.

WEATHERMAN:  It could do anything.  There could be a tornado.

CYNTHIA:  Oh, that's good!  Say that.  She definitely won't expect me to come over if there's going to be a tornado.

WEATHERMAN:  I have to say what's likely to happen.  I can't stir up fear over nothing.

CYNTHIA:  Oh yeah?  Is that why your report on that thunderstorm last year said 'We're All Going to Die!' in that scary font with the curled 'e's dripping with blood?

WEATHERMAN:  That was marketing's call.

CYNTHIA:  Listen, I'm not asking you to say there's going to be a lunar eclipse.  Just say it could snow so I can stay home.

WEATHERMAN:  But it looks very unlikely that it's going to snow.

CYNTHIA:  What about rain?  Could you give me some rain?  Some of that thunder you love?  I can work with that.  It won't be easy, but if I sound feeble enough--

WEATHERMAN:  It is not going to rain.  It is going to be gorgeous out.

CYNTHIA:  How gorgeous?

WEATHERMAN:  What?

CYNTHIA:  Is it going to be hot?  Could I get heatstroke?

WEATHERMAN:  No, it's going to temperate.

CYNTHIA:  For the first time in New England the weather is going to be just perfect and it's on the same day my sister is making her lousy shepherd's pie.

WEATHERMAN:  I'm sorry, Cynthia, I don't know what else to tell you.

CYNTHIA:  I suppose it's not your fault.  Although it wouldn't have killed you to at least say the word 'hail' a few times.

WEATHERMAN:  Looks like you're going to be eating that shepherd's pie.

CYNTHIA:  Let's not get ahead of ourselves.  Do you know the number for the Health reporter?  Connie What's-Her-Name?  I have a few illnesses I want to run by her.

WEATHERMAN:  I, uh--

CYNTHIA:  If you don't have her number, I can call her mother.  It's really no trouble.

WEATHERMAN:  It--

CYNTHIA:  No trouble at all.

(The End)