(SHIRLEY's house.)
SHIRLEY: I just wish I had one more day to clean before you all--
DAVID: Mom, stop. You're being crazy.
SUSAN: We're just so happy to be home having Christmas dinner with you.
DANNY: Besides, the house is spotless. You could eat off the floor.
SHIRLEY: I barely touched that space between the fridge and the oven--
DAVID/SUSAN/DANNY: Come on, really?/Mom, that's ridiculous./Ooooh, the horror.
SHIRLEY: You kids are so sweet. Let me go check on the food.
(She goes into the kitchen.)
DAVID: This place is a pigsty.
SUSAN: Thank god somebody said it.
DANNY: Did she even bother to scrub the walls this year?
DAVID: Or wash the curtains?
SUSAN: I know for a fact she didn't dust that china we're not allowed to use.
DAVID: I saw a smudge right at the top of the bathroom window.
DANNY: The main window or the little one above the shower.
DAVID: The little one.
SUSAN: She didn't bother to clean that? What if one of us had wanted to stand on a ladder while we're taking a shower and look out at whatever it is you can see from that window?
DAVID: I bet she didn't clean the garage.
DANNY: Or the attic.
SUSAN: Or the furnace room.
DAVID: What has gotten into her this year?
DANNY: To be fair, she did apologize.
DAVID: Danny, I don't need her to apologize, I need her to get down on her eight-one year-old hands and knees and scrub the floor until I can see my face in it. I mean, Jesus, this is supposed to be Christmas, isn't it?
SUSAN: Did you see the trash barrels outside? Filled with trash.
DANNY: We could offer to help.
DAVID/SUSAN: We're guests, Danny./I'm a guest, Daniel.
DAVID: We'll just have to suffer through it.
SUSAN: I knew this was going to happen. Did you see her baseboards at Thanksgiving? I nearly lost my appetite.
(SHIRLEY reenters.)
SHIRLEY: The food's almost done. I'm sorry I didn't get a turkey to go with the ham this year.
DAVID: Mom, we don't need ham AND turkey.
SUSAN: There's always so much food left over anyway.
DANNY: I barely finish what you put on my plate.
SHIRLEY: It's just nice to have options.
DAVID: You go to too much trouble.
SUSAN: I wish you'd sit down and relax for a second.
DANNY: Yeah, Mom, don't worry about us. We'd eat dog food if that's what you served.
SHIRLEY: I'm so lucky I raised such easy-going kids.
(SHIRLEY goes back in the kitchen.)
DAVID: No turkey? Are you kidding me?
SUSAN: I guess we're going to starve this year. That's cool.
DANNY: If there's no turkey, I'm guessing she forgot that I like a sliver of duck to go with my meal.
DAVID: We'll be lucky if she remembered the pea puree.
SUSAN: So help me god, if she forgot the pea puree, I am walking right of here.
DANNY: You know, you can probably hear it my voice, but...I'm not even angry. I'm just so let down by her.
SUSAN: That's exactly how I feel. Imagine being on this earth for eight decades, raising three kids, and still thinking it's fine to serve only ham for Christmas.
DAVID: And on Thanksgiving, we had turkey and no ham.
SUSAN: What part of 'There needs to be ham and turkey for every holiday' is so difficult for her to understand.
DANNY: It's just two or three entrees. We're not asking her butcher a lamb.
SUSAN: I would ask her to do that. It's just a lamb. How long could it take?
DAVID: Does she really expect us to keep coming back for Christmas if we're going to be fed like orphans in a Dickens novel?
SUSAN: I'm already looking up 'Nearby Turkey Farms' on my phone.
DANNY: I guess at some point, the children really do become the parents.
DAVID: Should we call someone? Maybe this is a sign of mental deterioration.
SUSAN: I knew something was up when she told me she only bought one bottle of wine for all four of us.
DAVID/DANNY: One bottle?/When did this happen?
SUSAN: Don't worry. I snuck a few more in my suitcase.
DAVID/DANNY: Thank god./Bless you.
(SHIRLEY enters from the kitchen.)
SHIRLEY: Should be ready in a minute. Are you sure you kids are okay with the little gifts I got you? I know they're not much, but I'm on a budget now, and I have to be careful.
DAVID: Oh yeah, Mom, we're so mad that you didn't shower us with gifts.
SUSAN: We'll never forgive you.
DANNY: I thought I was getting a car!
(They ALL laugh.)
SHIRLEY: I just wanted to make sure.
(She goes back in the kitchen.)
DAVID: How could she not shower us with gifts?
SUSAN: I'll never forgive her.
DANNY: I thought I was getting a car.
DAVID: Did you see the size of the presents under the tree? What did she put in there? Two Almond Joy's and a pack of cigs?
SUSAN: I know she got me a gift card. I can just feel it.
DAVID: It could be to a spa.
SUSAN: Look at this disgusting house we're sitting in, David. We're about to eat a sad old ham. Do you really think a spa is in my future? I mean, it should be, but do you think Mom knows that?
DANNY: Do you think she got me...the keys to a car? And like, the little box is just a psych-out?
SUSAN: She got you a necktie. I helped her pick it out.
DANNY: Brutus!
SUSAN: It was going to be a necktie no matter what. At least I found a halfway decent one.
DANNY: This isn't just the worst Christmas. This is no kind of Christmas at all.
DAVID: Susan, do you know what I got?
SUSAN: You don't want to know.
DAVID: Dammit, Susan, tell me what I got.
SUSAN: A donation was made in your name to--
DAVID: Noooooooooo!
SUSAN: And I got a gift card. Probably to Macy's. As if I would ever--
DANNY: If I return the necktie--
SUSAN: Just be grateful it's a cute necktie.
DANNY: You're telling me to be grateful as we sit here in hell?
(SHIRLEY enters.)
SHIRLEY: I have to tell you, I just love having you all back.
DAVID: And we love being back, Mom.
SUSAN: We feel so lucky to be here.
DANNY: It's the perfect time of year.
SHIRLEY: Well, I wouldn't say 'perfect.'
DAVID: Oh. Because Dad's gone?
SHIRLEY: That, and the fact that only two of you have jobs, none of you are married, and Danny's moving back in at the beginning of next year.
DAVID: What?
SHIRLEY: It's all right. I don't mind having disappointing children. Some people don't have children at all. Like your Aunt Teresa who gets to go to Bermuda for Christmas every year because she doesn't have to cook a ham for a bunch of unemployed, over-educated, free-loading crybabies.
DAVID/SUSAN/DANNY: Mom, we didn't--/That's not--/I don't--
SHIRLEY: There you go with all the yap, yap, yapping. So nice to have that sound around the house again. I was beginning to get used to the blissful silence, so I'm thankful you're all here to shatter it. Let me go get the ham none of you are going to eat so we can sit around and watch a movie none of us like. Sound good?
DAVID/SUSAN/DANNY: Yes./Sure./Sounds nice, Mom.
SHIRLEY: Wonderful. You know, we should really do this more often.
(She goes back in the kitchen.)
DANNY: So there's definitely no duck?
End of Scene
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